Endless Summer.

.05

i was seriously beginning to rethink my decisions-my last conversation with cane was haunting me. this isn't your thing, lonny. his voice seemed to echo in my mind as i filled up the gas tank.

everyone came running out of the convenient store with bags of different sodas and candies; they were like happy children, skipping along the playground during recess. i didn't understand why they were so happy and i was so on edge-why couldn't i just live in the moment like everyone else? isn't that what teens do? they were so carefree, even a twenty year old nasir with everything to lose seemed to worry less than me.

"babe, you won't believe what they had." nasir smiled and grabbed my waist. the action pulled me closer to him so he could peck my lips. i barely kissed the excited man back.

"what?" i pulled away and offered him a smile.

"dots." he said happily. he seemed proud at the fact that he remembered my favorite candy-he held up the box with a look of triumph. you would think he slayed a dragon in order to retrieve the dusty box of gum drops.

i simply laughed in response before june spoiled the sweet moment. "the guy said it's a motel up the road. want to check in for the night?" june looked up from her new disposable camera after snapping a few candids of everyone.

"what if he's trying to set us up to get murdered like one of those horror movie creeps?" kelsi looked over at us with her round sunglasses hanging from her nose. she raised a worried eyebrow at the girl, looking at june as if she said the most outlandish thing in the world.

"good point. we'll just drive a little longer." nasir nodded, mimicking a shiver. "sleep at the truck stop if we need to." i hated sleeping at the truck stop.

"i'm going to go pee." i pointed to the store. when i entered, i started to wonder around. truth was, i lied-i didn't have to pee. i just needed a moment to myself; it was starting to drive me crazy that no one seemed to be rationally thinking. we just ran away! we didn't tell a soul where we were going. my mother could've been in a hospital bed from how high her blood pressure must've been by now.

when i neared the door, i glanced at the wall of disposable phones. i thought for a moment before grabbing one. what they won't know won't hurt them.

"gas?"

"check."

"snacks?"

"check."

"how much money do you guys have left?" nasir questioned before he pulled a map from his back pocket. i sat in the passenger seat, staring at our surroundings as we prepared to take off again-the weight of the flip phone felt heavy in my pocket now. it felt weird to be keeping a secret from them but i needed it. it didn't feel safe to be traveling so far without a way of contacting someone.

"i have six hundred." mesi said, flipping through his wallet. everyone murmured their agreements then looked at me expectedly. i cleared my throat.

"three hundred." i swallowed. i had three thousand stuffed in my backpack but i wasn't ready to share that-i'd been saving my allowance since i was around 7. it was nearly my life savings.

"sounds like we're good then." mesi exhaled. i didn't understand. what was the plan? what were we going to do with this pocket change when we got to our destination? six hundred each wouldn't be enough to hold us over for long.

"i thought you said we're going wherever the wind takes us?" i looked over at nasir with a teasing smirk growing on my face.

"don't want the wind gettin' us lost, do ya?" he chuckled.

after a few naps and never ending conversations, we were fully awake as nasir drove. the sky was tar black as we rode through what appeared to be the country side-i noticed sleeping cows and horses fenced on the side of the road.

"look," i pointed to the sky. nasir looked up, sending me a smile. "i think that's the big dipper." i said, turning my own head to the side. i didn't know what i was looking at but i knew it was a cluster of stars. that's how it always was. back home, when night rolled around and i was still laid up with nasir on a beach or at a park, i would murmur names of constellations, and point to random clusters of stars. he would simply smile and nod his head as if he was fascinated with my faux cosmic knowledge.

i always had this desperate desire for some great aptitude for life even when i was empty with meaning.

nights like this i missed yellow springs. it was all i knew and i was starting to be homesick. "what happiness are you guys looking for out here?" mesi asked aloud. june's feet were resting on his lap as he tore through a box of jujubes.

"i just wanted a whole, new beginning." i murmured. "without the pressure and the fighting and the judgment...just a breath of fresh air."

"i want to try new things instead of seeing the same old shit." mesi chimed in as his head rested in kelsi's lap.

"i think i'm gonna piggyback off of lonny for this one." june cracked a smile.

"i've already found my happiness." nasir chuckled. "it's right here, all crammed up in this raggedy van."

"i've always wanted a hamster." kelsi recalled fondly. "that's the happiness i'm in search of. the happiness of having a life that depends on me instead vice versa."

"are we going back?" june asked. her face genuinely looked worried at what we were going to say. i hope so, I wanted to say.

"what's the point of running away if we're just going to go back?" nasir raised his eyebrow.

(A/N)

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