Lost In Our Desires

Runaway

Neither.

"He ruined everything. She was the perfect choice. Only she can fit the part and you had her. She played right into your hands and then he came and ruined everything. You had her. He needs to go. With him gone, you can finish what was meant to happen. What you were meant for. I will finally be proud. I will love you. I will accept you. I want you to carry it on for me. Prove you are my son and not a worthless piece of shit like your whore for a mother. Rid the world of sin."

"No. No, no, no. I like her. She is nice and treats me like I am somebody. She didn't judge me. She is understanding and understands me. She isn't like the others. I will not. I cannot. At least not her. Please someone else."

"You will and you can. If you don't get your fucking head out of the clouds I'll throw you in the chest again. Longer this time. Is that what you want?"

"No, I understand Father."

___

Him.

I didn't really know what I was expecting. Maybe a 'Dylan you can't leave us. You are only our son. We love you.' But they didn't even bother asking where it was I was going. It was better they didn't know anyways. To be honest, I'm surprised they didn't kick me out the day I turned eighteen. I had enough money saved to last me a few months on the road. That was plenty of time to find some place to start fresh. Maybe even get a job. It was better that I continue my life as if nothing was happening. Well at least for as long as I could before humanity decides its best they keep me away from society. You know, when they see it unhealthy for me to be around people.

Where did I want to go? California? New York City? Los Vegas? Maybe I could just stay in Pennsylvania. I had no idea. I felt like an idiot sitting here in my car without a clue of where I was heading. But then I looked where the trees parted behind my house and smiled. The last time I wanted to leave this place I wanted it to be with Jasmine by my side. I remembered that night like it happened yesterday. It was the first time I ever cried in front of her. My dad told me that he wished Mum-Mum never died so that he wouldn't have to see my face every day. Then he took it back because seeing my face after she passed brought him joy. The only place I could think to go that night was the same place that was on my mind. Even if it was by myself I needed to go there one more time.

The walk to the tree house took longer than I remembered. It could be because it might be the last time I ever visited the place again. That, or because I felt like something was watching me. It could've been anything; a bear, a fox, a coyote, a mountain lion, a deer.

A deer. I smiled again. The first time I ever met Jasmine was when I followed a deer. Maybe the deer came back and is following me, hoping to find itself just as I was that day. Then there it was up head on the tracks. A deer. Jasmine and I named it Jeremy. It's a silly name for a deer but we liked it. Every time we saw one we were convinced, like I was in that moment, that it was the same one as that day. There I saw myself as a child watching the beautiful creature, unaware that I was not alone.

I heard someone chambering a round behind me before I slowly turned around. I wasn't fazed at first. I mean I was going insane. But then I put it into thought. Either this wasn't real or it was. He was too far for me to tell. I was afraid if I moved he'd pull the trigger either sending me out of my trance or out of my consciousness, permanently.

Something wasn't right though. Yes, of course Dylan something isn't right if someone had a gun pointing at your face but something was really wrong with him. The hand he was holding the gun with was shaking violently. His face was wet, probably from crying and the right side of his face kept twitching. This guy was more gone than I was. I held up my hands in surrender. Another moment of déjà vu. Again, I'm the scared child, hands raised in surrender towards the Northern Copperhead on the railroad tracks. And again, I forget about the deer. For a slight second I forget about my surroundings as well, lost in my head until he spoke.

"You upset him." He whispered. I'm surprised I even heard him.

"Who? Who have I upset?" I had no idea what he was talking about. I didn't even know he knew I existed.

"My father. He wants me. He wants me to hur-hurt you." He twitched again.

"Nick. Nick look at me. You don't know what you're doing. Just put the gun down okay? I know you don't want to hurt me-" I wasn't even able to finish my sentence. He stopped shaking. He stopped twitching. He stood still as if he was all of a sudden calm. He didn't look scared or upset anymore. His face was filled with rage.

"You're a disappointment to me. You're a worthless piece of shit like your mother. You can't do a simple task. You can't do anything yourself. " Nick said spitting at the ground. He spoke in an entirely different voice as if he was an entirely different person. "What kind of son can't listen to his father? You aren't my son. You never were."

"I'm sorry," I hesitated. I understood what was happening but I wasn't not sure if Nick did. When I found out I had Huntington's Disease I quickly became aware of other similar diseases and disorders. I didn't think Nick would let himself believe his father passed away eight months ago so he found a way to keep him alive. "Father." And somehow he sees himself in me. Multiple Personality Disorder.

The few fractions of a second between me standing there and me on the ground bleeding was all I needed to understand. It wasn't until right then I realized that I'm not my Grandmother. She couldn't handle it. She gave up. That doesn't mean I had to. Sure I would forever suffer the difficulty of thinking sometimes, poor coordination, fidgeting, weight loss, depression, hallucinations, paranoia, anxiety, temper. But that doesn't mean I'll give up too. I was still me and I always will be just like Mum-Mum was always herself, she just couldn't take it anymore, the hallucinations of her dead husband. I may sometimes see things but they didn't upset me. They made me feel better. I wasn't running away from Jasmine. I was running away from myself.