Lost In Our Desires

Heartbreak

Nick opened the door as he dried his hair with a towel. I tried  keeping eye contact with him but I couldn't help myself. He must've just been getting out of the shower when I rang his doorbell because he stood in front of me in just a towel hanging very, very low off his hips. His chest was still covered in little droplets of water. I almost wanted to lick them off for him. I didn't realize I was staring until he started to laugh.

"You seem to be more interested in me now than you were last night." He joked blocking me from entering his house. "Why don't you wait out here for me to change and we'll grab a bite and talk about it, yeah?"

I nodded not really thinking, just staring. As he started closing the door I took notice to a small cut around his wrist that was holding the door frame. I grabbed it before he could finish closing the door. "What happened?" I asked, inspecting it like a mother would. The second I got a good look at it he snapped his wrist out of my grip as if I was the one who gave it to him.

"Nothing," He started as he hide it away from me. "I just fell on a rock at practice. That's why I'm home so early."

"Well let me come in and take a look at it. That could get infected if you leave it out in the open like that."

"No. I mean, it's okay. Don't worry about it. I know how you get around blood anyways. Just wait here please." He answered quickly before shutting the door in my face, smacking me out of it. Just moments ago I was filled with worry and anger and all it took was seeing Nick all wet and shirtless to take over all my thoughts. He really was beautiful in the sense that he had no visual flaws. Of course, on the inside he was just as messed up as I was, maybe even more. He had the same soft brown eyes and messy brown hair as Dylan. He was a little over six foot and had a blinding smiling that could send anyone straight to Lala Land. He was muscular, more buff than most the guys at school. Anyone would've called me crazy for leaving him last night.

I was leaning against his car when he came out wearing a pair of sweatpants and a white T-shirt. Even in the simplest clothes he looked so heavenly. So that I didn't get sucked back into Lala Land again I spoke.

"We're not grabbing something to eat. Nick, I-"

"Oh god. I was hoping you just panicked last night and you came to apologize, not break up with me." He said running his hand through his hair, showing he was stressed. "Look if this is because you think I just want sex, that's not true. Or because of my anger issues I promise I'm changing for you, I swear. Oh man, is it because I've never, you know, had sex before because if that's the case then I can assure you that-"

"Nick, can you just shut up for a second. Wait, why would I even-" I closed my eyes and exhaled.

"Hey," He said softly while placing his hand on my arm. "What's wrong? You looked stressed."

In that moment, I felt like I was six again with my dads hand on my shoulder asking me what was the matter. Having his comfort there always brought the sadness out of me and I'd just cry a river, literally letting it flow out of me, whatever was the matter. I sobbed as I told Nick everything from the moment I left his house til that exact moment of us standing there then. The entire time his face was emotionless, like he wasn't even listening.

I stood there, still leaning against his car with my arms rapped around each other. He stood arms length away with his hands in his pockets. His eyes watched mine, but not actually looking. It's not the first time he's done this. He does it only when he doesn't take his medication. He could be like that for hours if nobody touched him. He says that when he does that its like a skip in time. He just loses memory of himself spacing out as if it never happened. That's why I always worried about him living alone. Sure he was still in highschool but he was also nineteen. He said he was held back in second grade. He never called it his house though. He always called it 'the house.' There was a moment I thought he was cheating on me because he would sometimes sneak me in as if someone else was home. He'd say, "He can't see you here." Then I thought maybe he meant one of his friends. I thought he was just sneaking me around like he didn't want anyone to know we were together but in school he was both open and affectionate in front of everyone. Later I learned his father died, leaving him the house and Nick didn't seem ready to believe it, so I played along.

"Nick. Hey, Nick." I shook him a little and then he really was looking at me. He took a step back and turned his back to me with his hands in his hair. He was laughing. "Are you okay?" He then turned around on his heals so fast and closed the space between us.

"So you left me for Dylan then. He's more important than us? You left me last night! Left me on the side of the road in nothing but my boxers wondering what I did to scare you away!" By then, he was also crying. But I was crying because I was scared while he was because he was so full of anger.

"Nick."

"No. No, you don't get to do that. You promised me! You said you and him weren't ever or will ever be something. You swore to my face! Jesus Christ Jasmine, I love you. Okay? I fucking love you and you love him. Don't you?" He paused waiting for an answer I couldn't give. I did love Dylan. But he has been my only friend for years, how couldn't I love him? Nick wanted me to say I loved him back but I couldn't lie to his face again. I didn't love Nick. If things weren't going the way they were now and nothing ever happened and I never saw Dylan again, maybe then I could have fallen in love with him. But everything went the way it did and I don't see it happening.

  Instead of answering, I tried to get his attention to calm him down when he grabbed the hand I was trying to sooth him with. When I looked up at him he wasn't crying any longer. I would've said he looked brain dead if it wasn't for his eyes following me as I tried to get out of his grip.

"You didn't even have to sleep with anyone to be the whore you are. You're just like her. Rotten. A disease. A stain on this earth." He spat at me. Nick can get pretty scary when he's angry but nothing compared to this. He didn't even sound like himself. It wasn't even himself. His grip was too tight for me to bare. I looked down and saw he was holding my wrist with the same hand I noticed earlier with the large cut on it. I used it to my advantage and scratched at it as hard as I could. He didn't let go, but his grip did loosen and that was all I needed to get free. I ran around his car to get to mine as fast as I could. I could hear him cursing under his breath behind me.

The second I shut the door he banged hard on the window. So hard, I was scared it was going to shatter. "Jasmine, baby. I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it. Why don't you unlock the door and come inside my house and we'll talk about it." He said as he tried opening the door.

I didn't drive away. I should've but I wasn't ready to lose the last thing I had close to me. I listened to Nick with my eyes closed as  he banged and screamed then whispered and cried. It was like the switch inside him turned off and he was himself again. Crying, leaning against my car door. A part of me just wanted to open the door and hold him but I didn't think I could ever hold him again. He never did tell me why he went to therapy. I just assumed it had to do with his father but apparently there was a lot going on with him that I didn't understand. There are days Nick wouldn't even show up for school. He said he was always sick or slept in but what if he was lying? There were times Nick would go MIA and then magically appear with cuts and bruises like today but not have a clue on how he got it.

Sure Nick had plenty of friends but if you were counting people who actually cared he didn't really have anyone. If Nick wasn't already eighteen when his father died then he would've been put into foster care because he really had no one. If I left him right now and I mean really leave him for good, He'd be all alone in whatever it was he was going through. I didn't believe Nick would really hurt me. He probably had no idea what he was even doing. I laughed at myself. Dylan was right. I should be a doctor; a therapist. Just the day before I was willing to try and help and understand Dylan and now there I was willing to help and understand Nick. God do I know how to pick em.

Nick looked up to the sound of my car doors unlocking.