Lost In Our Desires

A Hundred Billion Stars

Him.

Falling in love with her was like riding a roller coaster. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into but did it anyway because of the feeling it gave you. At first, the roller coaster is slow, rolling up to its highest point until finally you reach it and there is a pause. The pause where you realize what you have gotten yourself into and that there is no turning back. Then it happens. That feeling you get at the pit of your stomach when you go down, the feeling of falling; the feeling of falling in love.

The ride up lasted about five years. Five years of that small pit in my stomach building, not knowing why. Five years of spending every second of every day with the one person who made me feel a way I wasn't familiar with. A feeling I didn't understand until now.

I was seventeen when I finally hit that pause. I've been her aunt's neighbor for six years which is about as long as Jasmine and I have been best friends. It was the Fourth of July. Her aunt was throwing a huge party like she does every year that lasts until the next day. Every year, we have this sort of tradition. Towards night fall, we'd start a fire in my yard away from the party and steal some potatoes from my dad to cook while we talked about any and everything. It was around three in the morning when we'd sprawled out on my picnic table and watched the stars. Well, she watched the stars while I watched her. I could tell she was lost in her thoughts so I asked what was on her mind. She didn't answer right away, like she wasn't exactly sure herself. Then she turned on her side with her hand holding up her head, looking at me.

"Close your eyes and relax for a second. Don't think, just breath."

So I did. I pulled my arms from under my head and laid them on either side of me, took a deep breath and closed my eyes, my mind, everything.

"Now open your eyes and tell me what you see."

"Stars."

"But what are those stars?"

"Well, stars are made of very hot gas, mostly hydrogen and helium."

"No, no. I mean, those stars you see are all from different galaxies. And in their own galaxy, they are the sun. You know what I mean?"

"Well yeah I guess if you put it that way."

"Good, so if there is a sun then that means more planets. There are a hundred billion stars and about 10 billion galaxies in the universe. Just imagine how many planets there are out there."

She paused for a second to look up with me. I simply said, "I do."

"I do what?"

"You want to know if I believe in aliens or at least other planets that can hold life." I sat up and looked down at her and smiled because I knew exactly what she was thinking. "You're wondering that if Earth can hold life, why can't the other ten to the twenty fourth power planets hold it? That's a one followed by twenty four zeros by the way." I knew she was going to say something by the way her lips parted so I held up a finger so that I could go on. "Yes, that number is true. And yes, I do believe in planets that hold life. It's kind of a hard argument to fight against." Then I corrected myself. "You are a hard person to argue against." She didn't say anything after that. She just smiled and stared up at me for a while.

All of the hundred billion stars in the sky lit up her face that night. They made everything clear. That was the moment the roller coaster went down. It went down so fast that I lost myself in her. Her mouth was hard at first. When I realized what I was doing I pulled away. That was the first time I couldn't read her facial expression. I couldn't tell if I've made the greatest or worst mistake in my life. We just sat there, looking at each other like it was for the first time.

That was over a year ago.