Lost In Our Desires

Somewhere Only We Know

Her.

Dylan crawling into my bedroom window at midnight was like hearing the crickets chirp or the cars pass by outside. So, whenever he did it wouldn't faze me. Not until one very important night.

Like he normally did, he crawled under the covers next to me. The only other time I thought my life was going to end was when I had that date with Mr. Northern Copperhead.

I wasn't feeling very well earlier that night so I decided to take off all my clothes to cool down. So there I was, terrified, lying there naked with Dylan beside me under the covers. What if he decided to be funny and pull the covers away from me? I'd be exposed. I was thinking of better ways to die when he turned to me. He looked like he just finished crying.

"Let's leave."

"Okay." You know you are best friends when you don't even need an explanation to do something bizarre. He opened his mouth as if he was ready to back himself up but then stopped, looking surprised like he expected me to put up a fight.

"What? You don't even want to know where or why?" He asked sitting up. He was picking at his nails. I hated when he did that. I was tired so I just raised my eyebrows, expecting him to tell me either way. "August is almost over which means you'll be going back with your mom. I say screw that. Let's just leave."

I don't know why he always gets upset when it's time for me to go back to my moms. He lived maybe three miles away. "And go where exactly?"

He smiled like he was waiting for that exact question. He stood up from the bed with his hand extended out for mine. "My lady?"

The only time he ever called me that was when we were up at our tree house. Correction, our castle. I reached out to take it but as soon as the cold air kissed my skin I remembered that I wasn't clothed. Again, I felt like dying. Dylan took my rejection as a challenge and jumped on top of me. I screamed as I saw my life flash through my eyes. He was quick to cover my mouth, telling me to hush. He didn't want to wake anyone up. I laid there naked with Dylan straddling me with just a blanket between us.

I know you're probably thinking Holy shit. It's about to get sexual. But it wasn't. Dylan and I were never like that. There were times where I'd be showering and he'd walk into the bathroom complaining about how he needed use the bathroom. That being another situation where it was just a sheet separating Dylan from the view of my body. Sure we were sixteen but with us it always felt like we were still those two kids watching the deer by the lake a few years ago.

I couldn't think of a way out of this so I made a straight face and simply told him I was naked. He laughed for a moment before realizing I was serious. He got off me and waited while I got dressed in my bathroom.

I had to be honest with myself. I wanted to go with him. It being the two of us against the world sounded like a real adventure. But I also had my doubts. "Dylan, I don't know about this." He was packing for me. And by packing, I mean throwing handfuls of random things and stuffing it into my backpack. He stopped and looked at me.

"C'mon Jas, you just said you would. Think about it." He was standing in front of me then with his hands on my shoulders. "I don't have to go home to my shit house and you don't have to leave me."

"But I'm not leaving you." Any other person would think what I just said. How could you be leaving someone who lives a few miles down the street? But on the inside I knew I was leaving him. He would no longer have anyone to go to in the middle of the night when things get rough or anyone to talk to. We'd no longer meet at the castle every day. It wasn't the first summer ending we've been through but each time it gets a little harder than the last.

"Fine." He tossed the bag on the bed and headed towards the window. He was mad and heartbroken by love; the love of a friendship. I hated those few moments people have when parting with someone. Sure I part ways from him every day but this time it felt different.

"I'll go. I'll go because I'll be with you." He turned to me with a large smile on his face. He wins. Again. "So where to?"

"Why don't we go somewhere only we know?" He said over his shoulder as he began to climb out the window. It was the little things like that that made me love Dylan. He was a living surprise. That, and because he pays attention. The week before I made him sit through a playlist I made of all my favorite songs which just so happened to have a song on it called, 'Somewhere Only We Know.'

And we did. I wasn't stupid. I knew exactly where we were going. The only place we had that no one knew existed. We lasted out there in the woods for about a half a day before he fell and broke his arm. No one even realized we ran away for that short period of time. I never did find out what set him off enough to want to run away.

___

Looking at him at that moment, I saw that boy. He just wanted to get away and I wanted to tell him that this time I was certain that I want to run away with him and have it just be the two of us forever. Instead I smiled and punched him in the arm saying, "So you've been seeing me huh? Do I look good?" I asked trying to lighten up the mood. He didn't say anything. He just sat there against the wall picking at his nails. God I hated when he did that. "Can you at least tell me if you're feeling any better?" Again, nothing. "I have to go home now okay?" The last thing I wanted to do was leave him. "But if you think because you aren't talking to me means I'm giving up on you because I'm not. The secrets out. I'll be back."

Leaving him there like that was probably the hardest thing I've ever done and for a while I just sat in his drive way thinking about the last thing he said. The person I love.

Him.

"No. What's not fair is putting the person you love though something that can ruin their life. Watching my grandma go like that, the only person who ever showed me real care before you was devastating. I didn't think I'd ever get through it but I had you. I'm not doing that to you. I won't let you watch me turn into something I'm not. I just won't." I don't know whose more shocked; her or me. I just admitted to being in love with her. The one thing I promised myself I'd never admit to, or at least not to her. But maybe she didn't take it that way. I could've easily meant someone I loved as family. But by her not speaking told me otherwise.

I sat there looking at nothing in particular. It felt like I don't have control of my body. Like this was a movie or a memory and I could see myself sitting there with her beside me with a look on her face that could either mean two things;

1. She's horrified by my condition.

2. She's horrified by my love for her.

She started saying something to me but I couldn't hear her. I could only hear my Grandmother. You love her don't you? Don't you, Dylan? She deserves to know. Image how she'll feel if she found out something happened to you and she wasn't there to help. She'd be even more devastated. You not telling her is going to ruin her even more. Mum-Mum constantly told me this over and over. It helped me realize that I could never tell her. She'd never have to know about anything. I'd leave and never come back and when something really did happen to me, she wouldn't have to know. She'd grow up forgetting about me and what we had. So I promised myself she'd never have to know how I felt, what I had, why I left town or why I left her. I was doing what I've always set out to do. Protect her.

I've ruined that. I told her. She might not know the whole story but she knew enough to hurt. I said too much. Why couldn't she just mind her own business? Why couldn't I control this? I couldn't even tell the difference between fantasy and reality. If I just knew then none of this would've happened. She won't stop now. I knew that because I knew Jasmine better than anyone else.

I didn't even realize when she left. I turned my head to my side to find no one there. I was alone. She would probably be back later today. I spent a large portion of my life taking care of Mum-Mum and watching her slowly fade away and into someone else. I'm not going to let her do the same for me. She deserves so much more than me. That's exactly why when she does come back, I'll be gone.