smile | cth

7- I love you because

I don't see Calum until the end of the day, when I force him to the library, I need to go somewhere where I definitely won't see Luke, and where Calum feels comfortable. 

My best friend is sitting at our usual table, watching me as I pace back and forth, scanning the fiction shelves. "Jade?" He calls out. I finally find what I'm looking for and spin around, throwing it at him. In shock, he barely catches it, but still manages to keep the book from falling to the ground. 

"You can't give up Calum." 

I had thrown him the school's copy of The Fault In Our Stars, because when he's without it, he relies on me more. I love spending time with him, but after Luke's speech, I need Calum to be his old self again. 

"Jade- I don't want to read it again." He mumbles, throwing it back to me. "I don't want to read to sad ending, and I don't want to read about Hazel's parents who actually care about her." 

"Is that why you used to read it all the time?" I says quietly, sitting down in front of him. 

Within seconds, his head is in his hands and he's crying. His shoulders shake, I can hear his muffled cries. I don't know how to help him, but I want to. 

I really really want to. 

I reach out and hold one of his hands, but he pulls it away instantly. "Calum..." I whisper, my own eyes filling with tears. 

I've never seen Calum looking so hurt. 

I can hear his breathing, and he isn't breathing normally. 

"Jade you don't understand! No one wants me around! Do you have any idea how it feels to be unloved?" He pulls his face from his hands and stares at me through his tear filled eyes. "No, you don't. Because you have parents who love you, a sibling who didn't leave as soon as they were old enough. All the popular kids love you because you're Shawn's sister, Violet and Michael would follow you around because you're like their freaking queen, and Luke Hemmings drools over you every time you pass him." He pauses to take a breath. "You say you love me, but you don't know me. I don't even like reading! I hate school and I cheat on every test! My parents think I'm a screw up and the school just found out I've been cheating. I have to take all my exams again, and they're trying to 'focus my energy onto soccer' like what am I supposed to do now?" 

"Calum just shut up for a second. Don't you dare try to tell me that I can't love you. I don't love you because you're smart, or because you do well in tests. I don't love you because you like to read. I couldn't care less about any of that. I love you because you're a good friend, you're loyal, you're trustworthy, and you don't get bored of me. I love you Calum, because of who you are inside. You're kind, and good hearted, and even though you disappear every so often, you've always been there for me." 

He stays quiet and takes my hand again, the tears still falling down his face. "I'm sorry. I always thought-"

"Ssh, it doesn't matter okay? I love you." 

As I whisper this, I remember how Luke said I was in love with Calum, and a little part of my heart flutters at the thought. 

***

"Jade! I'm home! Where's your brother?" My mum shouts, walking in the front door and carrying all of her grocery bags into the kitchen. 

"Ashton's." I say. Calum decided to go home and face his parents for the first time in almost a week. 

"Well, can you text him and tell him to come home, we're having a family dinner tonight." I sigh at her words and reluctantly pull out my phone. This attracts my mum, and she brings herself into the living room. "Jade? Is there something going on with your brother?" 

I look at her for a few seconds, before shaking my head. "It's Calum. He's lonely, mum. He's so incredibly lonely. There's nothing I can do to help him. Also, it's Luke." 

"Luke?" 

"Yeah. He wants to take me on a date, but he thinks I like Calum, and he's being annoying, but I like the attention. And I hate myself for liking the attention because it's like I'm doing something against Calum. And Calum needs me, because he has no one else." 

The air between us is still, neither of us utter a word. Until Mum sighs and sits down beside me. "So you find him someone else. You introduce him to new friends, you go on that date with Luke if that's what you want. You call Michael and you get him to spend more time with Calum. You and Calum go out with Violet and Michael, then you and Violet go off and leave the boys to it. Don't let yourself get trapped." 

Mum gives me a little hug, but there's still one more thing I need to ask. 

"Mum? Shawn and Luke seem to think that I'm in love with Calum." 

I don't really ask her anything, but I'm still hoping for an answer. 

"I've always thought so too. More importantly, I've always thought he felt the same way."