Newest Shade - No Relation

The Darkest Shade

June 27th, 2015

Dear LB,

It's been a while old friend...

I thought I didn't need you anymore, honestly. But when I realized I needed you the most, I couldn't find you. I'd been so careless with you, little book. I had honestly no one to talk to for the past two years, and I really was all alone. It was me and my thoughts, and nothing more. I remember when I first bought this book, to document my improvement as a person all together... To write down how I grew. But truly? I've been broken down and destroyed in these past almost three years. I feel like I've been getting deeper into the real world... I've come to see that no one can protect me better than I myself can, and I haven't been, I've been depending on... My monster. Parson.

Parson was my everything, now I can't help but to hate him, in all honesty. I try to look at him and see something better, what I first met, who I fell in love with. But I can't. With the months that passed, the apologies came and went, and so did our relationship. We were happy, we were! He loved me and I loved him. But Parson, always wearing a mask of a strong heart, would break down and let his insecurities get the best of him. And as the insecurities ate at him? The bruises ate at me. And so did the hate that brewed for him deep in my heart.

How can the person you love the most hurt you more than anyone you've ever loved before?

He destroyed Amari Jaseena Grey in a whole. And as our relationship progressed, he made me fall in and out of love... I honestly don't know how I even feel about him now... Today... is his birthday. And I'm not sure if i'm in love with him. If I can kiss him good morning...

Stop breaking me Parson, don't you want to fix us?

That's all I was always thinking. Did he even see how broken we were?

I decided on going about my business, because him turning 25 wasn't doing shit for me, him turning 25 wasn't healing these bruises, and him turning 25 DAMN sure wasn't keeping his hands off of me.

I got up into the shower, and got dressed for work. I had decided I didn't wanna see that nigga all day, I don't need this man thinking he runs me, not today. While I was getting ready in our big beautiful apartment, alone in it of course, my mind slipped to thinking about his whereabouts, what did he do the night before? Hell.. What did I care for?

Just then the door busted open.

"I'm getting OLD pendeja. But i'm still here! Where the hell is my birthday present? Where the hell is my GIRL as a matter fact?"

He was slurring, he was drunk. "Ayo! Mami where you at? You better not have no nigga hiding in my home you little puta. DIYO, where's DIYO at? Little bitch think i'm dumb!"

I couldn't take it anymore... But I didn't want to fight. Not with him, not this early in the morning... I just kept thinking about what he was saying. It was stinging me, and he knew it.

He don't have the right to talk about Diyo... That man is the most successful person I've ever met... He's been running a success of a fashion company he started last year, all on his own, Dionecia's Touch, named after his 2 year old daughter. He's supporting his wife and daughter single handedly and he's set his life in a straight path. He grew up fast, he's decided what he wants his life to look like and he's making it just that way. What FUCK do you got going Parson? You're a DRUG DEALER who ain't even ever met his damn father... I hope they lock you the fuck up.

Diyo... How's he been? I need to call him. After Evergreen died last year... I really haven't spoken to him much.

"Fuck you Parson." I whispered. I left out of the door after I knew he was hard and fast asleep on the couch.