BLACK

(23) With Love

EDITED

                My second parents, Zena and Batter,

                Together, you have been a blessing to me that I could not live without. Since the day I found your son as my mate, and he accepted me for all that I am, I have been thankful of you. For raising such a man, so compassionate and strong willed in his days of triumph. There was a never a day that I had known Jonneth that I hadn't felt loved or complete. Even with him only in our memories and hearts, I still love him and forever will. Zena and Batter, I still feel the leftovers of his warmth and love through your actions and days of taking care of my son. My second parents, I wish I could have done more for your son. I wish I hadn't had so many mates so I could have always been there for him, and raised our son properly, but I don't regret anything. In another life everything has worked out perfectly, and I am mated to your son with our second on the way, but this life has taken a difficult, more challenging path. I have so much trust, and faith in you two to raise my son into the strong man you made of Jonneth. I have a gut feeling I won't be returning to Oeta, and in my letters to come, I won't be asking for rescue. My path is unknown, but it's clear I won't be spending it as I thought I would. I hope you can forgive me for what may look like my failure, like I'm giving up, but I hope you can understand this decision has been the largest battle I have ever fought. Seeing Ajax, and being a part of his life, isn't in my future. I love him more than anything and everything combined, but me being in his life, and constantly leaving, isn't something I want him to endure. I can never apologize enough for putting the weight of my responsibility on your shoulders, especially when have you already raised, and lost, your own son. Ajax is like a second chance, a more beautiful chance because he is your grandson. I know you won't understand, but it is my last desire that you be Ajax's rock, and the parental figures Jonneth nor I can be. I've written a letter for Ajax when he is older and able to comprehend his situation, or starts to ask questions about why his mother hasn't been in his life. I want you to give it to him when he is ready, and only when you know he is absolutely prepared for the truth. You can tell him all terrible things about me, I'm sure he can research me enough over the media, but above everything, I want you to make sure he knows I will always love him. I was in love with his father, and I'm in love with the hope for our son, but it's because I love him so much that I can't make his life more difficult in trying, and failing, to be the mother figure he needs. I love you both, and I know you will do amazing with Ajax.

                With Love, Noire xx

                My Little J,

                You won't be so little when you're reading this, will you? I suppose this means you've interrogated Nana and Papa with enough questions that they've given you my letter. I know you'll be angry, and confused. I know you must hate me. But I love you, I always have, and I always will. No matter what you think of me, you'll always be my little J. I miss you dearly. By the time you read this, I must have died of heartache without being there for you. This is for the better, however. I know you won't understand, but I want to try and enlighten you. The life I lived when your father and I decided to have you, is no longer the life I live. My path has hit a dead end, and taken a detour through thick ruble or something close, because never in my wildest imagination would I have dreamed of leaving you with your grandparents. I know you're angry. I won't be there for you because I don't want to endanger you. When you were born, I loved you so much, I immediately knew I would do anything to protect you. I'd never of thought it would come to this. The first time I held you in my arms, was the third time you had been touched by someone. You were washed off by the doctor, cradled by your father, and then handed to me where you finally stopped squawking. But to me, that was the first time anybody had ever touched me so deeply, that I knew my destiny in life. You are my world, Ajax Androcles. There isn't a moment of doubt in my mind that you won't do great things. And for you to accomplish these things, and be as amazing as I know you can, you need somewhere stable to live. And that is with your grandparents. Your father's death was unexpected, and crushed nearly all of us, but we had you to keep going. And forever you will be my reason to keep going, in hopes that one day, when you're old enough to understand, you might want to see me again if you ever overcome this anger. Batter will teach you to become an extraordinary Alpha, because I know he made a tremendous man of your father. Zena will be the sunshine in your life when you are low, or full of self-doubt. I know because she has always been like a second mother to me. They are the perfect people to give you what you need in life, and raise you to your full potential. I won't disrupt your life by coming in only when I can, and confusing yourself further when you try and compare your life to your friends. I won't take away your future, Ajax. I won't fail you as a mother with false promises, and an unstable environment. Right now, as I write this, I'm needed in so many places to help so many people, but there's nothing I selfishly want more than to be in my own house with you, your crib to the side, and your grabby hands playing in my hair. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to your cries, and change your diapers. I want to walk you to your first day of school, and watch you grow with a good group of friends that will only lift you up. And as much as I want that, as much as I think of you every day I am away, being with you is toxic. I have bad media, and probably a bad mental state if I could get the help to diagnose me. Right now, I have to help those that I can, and leave you to grow up in a healthy, stable, and loving home, where I know you will forever be protected and cherished. I know you won't understand. Sometimes it feels like I'm convincing myself of the idea itself more often that actually seeing the evidence. It's because I love you, and I know it's best if I'm not just a worry in your mind, slipping in and out of your life, disturbing your childhood, and ruining your confidence in yourself. There is nothing, and there never will be, anything wrong with you Ajax. You are such a perfect son, I can already see it. But it is not for me to take credit, but your grandparents. Cherish them, Ajax, for they deserve more than you will ever know. I love you a million times over infinity, but I can't be the mother you need. I hope one day you might see things from my perspective, that I never ever wanted to leave you at all, but this is arguably what is best for your future. You are loved, by both your father and I, and unconditionally by Nana and Papa. You are not a lost cause, or an orphan, or anything derogatory someone might say to put you down. You are a strong, capable Alpha, and you are destined to do all of the amazing things your father and I could not.