Half-truths | Vicerylle Oneshots

4: Manic

I admit, it was her impulsiveness, her recklessness, her edginess, her uncertainty, that got me so attracted to her at first. She’s smart, quick-witted, and very chatty. Our first date wasn’t entirely extraordinary; it was her stories that did the magic. By the time all the ice cubes in my soda had melted, I was sure I’d fallen in love.

“Feeling ko kailangan mo naman ‘tong malaman, pero sana hindi ka naman matakot or lumayo.” she said while playing with her straw, a couple of hours into the date.

Panicked thoughts raced through my mind. May obsessed ex ba siya? STD? What?

“I’m bipolar.” she finally said.

“Yeah, okay.” I replied. I was relieved.

I knew about the disorder and I know it’s not easy to deal with, but I never thought dating a bipolar would be this tough. Ngayong araw mahal niya ko, bukas parang hindi na niya ako kilala. Ngayong araw hindi siya makaalis sa tabi ko, pero bukas ayaw niya akong papasukin sa mundo niya. Sa umaga masaya siya, pagdating ng hapon iiyak na. Minsan hyper siya, minsan walang gana sa kahit ano. Minsan mabilis siyang magalit, minsan wala siyang pakialam kahit anong gawin ko. Minsan hindi ko makuha yung attention niya kahit saglit lang, minsan ako lang ang nakikita niya. Magulo kung magulo, para nga kaming nasa love-hate relationship. Being with her takes every ounce of my limited patience. Alam ko namang normal na ‘to. Pero ayun nga yung point eh, normal na ‘to.

“At least diba alam mo yung dahilan kung bakit siya ganyan sayo, hindi yung nanghuhula ka pa kung pinagsasawaan ka na ba niya o kung may iba na siya. May sakit siya.”

“Yun nga eh. Ibig sabihin nun, kahit anong gawin namin hindi mababago yung pakikitungo niyang yun sakin. Kasi nga may sakit siya.”

Don’t get me wrong though, I love her so much, more than words could tell. And that’s why it pains me to know I couldn’t be a healer, only a supporter. Mahal ko siya pero hindi ko alam kung paano ako makakatulong sakanya lalo na pag nagkakaroon siya ng depressive episodes. Mahal ko siya kaya nag-aalala ako minsan kasi hindi siya nakakatulog ng ilang araw pag may manic episodes. Mahal ko siya kaya ako natatakot na baka saktan niya yung sarili niya dahil sa frustration sa sakit niyang ‘to. Minsan gusto niyang inaalagaan ko siya, minsan gusto niyang hindi ako makita.

“Vice, hindi ka ba napapagod sakin?”

“Napapagod. Lahat naman ng tao, napapagod diba? Napapagod kakatrabaho, pero hindi rin naman sila tumitigil kasi alam nilang kailangan nilang gawin yun, alam nilang yun ang bumubuhay sakanila. Oo napapagod ako sayo, pero hindi rin ako titigil kasi ikaw na ang buhay ko, kasi mahal kita eh.”

“Wag mo akong susukuan, please? Kahit ganito ako, kahit na minsan hindi mo maramdaman na mahal kita..”

Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya yung natatakot na ako ang mang-iiwan. Sa pagiging impulsive niya, natatakot ako na baka paggising ko nalang isang araw hindi na niya ako mahal, na gusto na niya akong iwanan, na nagbago na yung isip niya sa aming dalawa.

Pag sobrang hyper siya and gusto niya biglang umakyat kami ng bundok, sasama ako. Pag gusto niyang bigla-biglang gumastos, sasama ako. Feeling daw niya nasa tuktok siya ng mundo when she’s manic. I want to be there with her, I want to see the world’s beauty through her eyes. Nagiging risky and intrusive din kasi siya when she’s manic, akala niya invincible siya. I have to restrain and control her. Once, she almost got hit by a car because she was chasing a cute cat.

Parang ako yung namamatay kapag naririnig ko siya sa gabi na umiiyak, na nagagalit sa mundo, na nagagalit sa sarili niya. I’m afraid she’d dwell for long and sink into the depths of depression and I may not get her out of it anymore. If only I could take away her misery, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I can only hope that when I wake up tomorrow, her mood has finally shifted and we’re back to being a normal couple again.

I've been living in a world of worries ever since I've been in love with her, but hers was a world full of entropy. I want to restore its order, but how?

Maraming nagsasabing baka kaya hindi ko siya maiwanan kasi naaawa ako, pero hindi eh. More than pity, I feel admiration towards her. I admire her for trying to live her life as normal as possible. I admire her for being strong and enduring, her meds caused horrible side effects but she kept taking them. Ginagawa daw niya yon para sa aming mga nagtiyaga at nagmamahal parin sakanya.

I’ve seen the full spectrum of her illness, but I’m not going anywhere. Sometimes I do feel neglected, but I couldn’t care less. This may not be a smooth course but I’m sure of what we have. Hindi ko man maramdaman o marinig sakanya araw-araw na mahal niya ako, alam ko namang established fact na yon. Wala nang lugar yung mga tanong sa utak ko. Siguro nga, sa aming dalawa, ako ang mas baliw.

Nabasa ko na almost 90% of marriages involving someone with bipolar disorder reportedly fail. Well, we will be amongst the 10% minority.

Tonight, I’m asking her to marry me, whether she’s feeling normal or manic or depressed at the moment.