My stalkers secret love for me

Thinking out loud

MATTHEW'S POV

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling wondering about how my life turned up this way .. How I drove Alyssa away and then tried to get her back in my drunken state were I blamed her for everything and basically broke down .

I blamed her for the death of my parents .. the abandonment of my twin brother , for how empty I felt .. For how when she was around and when she was gone the happiness was sucked out of me like it never existed and I hated that .. I hated her for making me feel that way .. How she was my sunshine .. The light at the end of my tunnel ..
But she still deserves the world .. She deserved better and I hated myself that I want enough for her .. But I got drunk and decided to tell her everything eating me alive how I told her I hated her and I yelled at her and cried and threw things and I begged in the end .

I was still grieving and I blamed the whole world for messing with my life .. I thought I wasn't worth what I was given which was why It was taken away ... At the time that was the only plausible reason why everything in life was the way it was .

I was so confused and when I woke up to an empty bed the next day I Cried for days I didn't eat for a week and stayed In my room listening to her voicemails and texting Alyssa whenever I stopped crying enough to actually type without dropping my phone .

How many nights I layed awake thinking of the past ... Of our memories of everything we've been through .. I thought about her .. Her smile . The 3 little freckles on her arm that forms a triangle .. The way she nuzzles my chest when she wakes up and how she kisses my chest before going back asleep in the middle of the night when she knows that I'm awake and reliving history . How she knows when I like pancakes and when I want just eggs and bacon .. How she knows I have a freckle on the side of my thumb and how she always kisses it when I'm upset ... Just her .. She's amazing and beautiful and I have always been in love with her and just when I think I'm moving on I'm back to square one .. Her voice makes my heart race .. Her smile gives me butterflies and it feels like I just rode a roller coaster that I never want to get off of .. And it's true , I never want to stop loving her ..

I sigh and turn over in bed and look at my phone on my desk . One more night . I get up to my desk and look out the window , I pick up my phone and call her .

RING.RING.RING.RI-

"Hello?" She asks in a deep voice , yawning . She just woke up .. Well of course it's 3 in the morning .. I didn't really think this through .. Oh well at least she answered . She doesn't usually answer me that much .

" Hello sleeping beauty " I say smiling excitedly . I hear her scoff on the other side and I laugh internally .. Never changed ..

" Go away .. What do you want now ?" She asks sounding sort of irritated but still upset . What happened ? I hope she's ok .. Maybe I should ask .. No I shouldn't she might snap at me and lately she seems to be letting me in more .. I don't know it's different, I'm not pushing it .

" I've always wanted the same thing but now  we both want it " I say gently wondering if she ever thought about me .. If she still loves me .. If she ever truly did ..

" Don't speak in riddles old man " She says in a deflated voice .. She sounds tired a lot more then she should considering the circumstances.. Maybe I should ask .. No that's her personal business an do shouldn't worry .. We're not together anymore anyway ...

" Baby I promise you I'm nowhere near old where it counts " I say smugly thinking about how she would blush and think of something quickly to say back .

" Where would that be , because it's certainly not in the face .. Your getting wrinkles already and your only 19" She says an do can just imagine a wide smile on her face and her nose sort of crinkled up and the little glint in her eyes .. A look of happiness as she laughs about my worrying .