Relapse (Phan)

TWENTY SIX

I stepped out into the night, immediately pulling my jacket tighter around me. It was already getting colder: the moon was high in the sky above me. I could feel tears stinging my eyes, though I was unsure as to whether they were from emotion or the cold.
Probably a little of both.

I felt weird. A pang in my chest. Funny how someone can hurt you so much and yet you still hate to leave them behind. It hurt. It shouldn't have hurt to leave Jason, but it did. Not because I loved him, but because I loved so many of the memories. I guess that's how you know when it's over: when you love the memories and not the person you have them with.

I looked up at the night sky as I walked. The stars shone brightly: brighter than I'd ever seen in the city. I mentally connected the dots in a few of what I was sure must've been constellations, though I'm rubbish at astronomy so there's no telling. It overwhelmed me in that moment: the vastness of the universe. Not just the vastness, but the oldness: the sameness. It was like stepping into a time machine: staring up at the sky. The same stars I was staring at were the ones I'd wished on to get me away from Jason, to get Dan back. The same stars Dan and I had laid under and counted so many times. The same stars in the same sky as when I was eight years old, before I could ever have dreamed what life had in store for me. And those same stars were the ones that Dan was probably staring up at right now, wondering if I was okay, when I would be back. They were the same stars that Peej had reached for when he was studying in America. The same stars that my mum and dad and hometown and everyone and everything I cared about was under.

I felt very small, compared to the vastness of it all, but at the same time, I felt very connected. Like I was a part of something, something I'd always been a part of without realizing, something big and infinite and beautiful. Like for the first time I could see the picture that all the good and bad came together to create. It dawned on me then, that maybe I would never feel this way ever again, so I embraced it with everything that I had: all the way home.

And when I got home Dan was waiting up for me and I hugged him, holding him tightly against me. And when he smiled and told me he loved me I felt something, deep in my chest. Something right.

I looked into his eyes and I felt the same feeling as when I looked at the stars.

a/n: this is short and bullshit philosophical and unnecessary but i wrote it to tell u IM BACK FAM and also im gonna try to update everything regularly again (lolzor i say that all the time but i really am trying). this fic is drawing near to a close, IT ONLY HAS TWO CHAPTERS LEFT DUNDUN DUNNN but check out my other stuff and also i have some NEW SHIT coming very soon #spon okay thats all i love u guys stay rad