Relapse (Phan)

TWENTY EIGHT

"Is that one Cassiopeia?" I asked, pointing to a cluster of stars sparkling against the deep blue sky. 

"No, that's Draco," Dan said, squinting his eyes, "See how it's more of a 'U' shape?" He grabbed my hand and guided it in the air, tracing the constellation with our intertwined fingers. "It's also way bigger than Cassiopeia. See Cassiopeia is over there," he guided my hand upward toward a smaller group of stars. "See how small it is?"

"It just looks like a weird zigzag to me," I admitted, eliciting a chuckle from Dan. "Seriously," I continued, "I wanna know who came up with these constellations. Like, who decided that that little zigzag of stars  looks like a woman?"

"The Greeks," Dan smirked, "To be specific, Ptolemy... I think." 

I rolled over, propping myself up on my elbow, and stared at him. 

"What?" he asked.

"How are you such a nerd?" I asked, teasing. 

"You're one to talk, Mr. Studying-Linguistics-For-Fun," he shot back with a wink. 

"Touche," I said, still staring at him. "Why do you know so much about astronomy anyway?"

"The same reason that I know that the capital of Burkina Faso is Ouagadougou. Too much time on Wikipedia."

"The capital of where is what?" I asked, giggling.

"Burkina Faso!" He exclaimed as if that should mean something to me. "You know, it's in West Africa!"

"Oh my God," I said in a tone of mock-horror, "I'm marrying a giant nerd!"

"Oh shut up!" He laughed, leaning over to kiss me softly through giggles. I felt my heart rate elevate and my face flush as his lips pressed against mine. I reached out and touched his chest, feeling his heart rate speed up to match my own. He grinned.

"Physiological,"  he whispered. 

"Yeah." I nodded. "Physiological." 

It was. Even after nearly six years, the effect he had on me-- that we had on each other-- was physiological. 

"But not like a drug," I added.

"What?" he asked, ruffling his brow.

"The definition of a drug. Remember? A substance which has a physiological effect when introduced to the body. "

"Yeah, I remember." He nodded.

"You have a physiological effect on me, but not like a drug," I told him. "Drugs... they make you think everything is okay, but it's a lie. They don't make you better; they hurt you. But you aren't a lie. When I'm with you I know that things really will be okay. Being with you makes me better, not because I'm relying on you or I need you or anything like that, but because I want to be better. I want to be a better man so that I can deserve you."

"Phil, you do deserve me," he said softly, a few tears beginning to fall down his cheeks. 

"I know that. That's not what I'm trying to say, I--" I sighed, wiping his tears with my thumb. "I used to isolate myself. When I was using, I thought I had to do everything alone. But now I know that that's stupid. I don't have to everything alone."

"You never have to," he agreed, "ever again." 

He was right. As I laid back down on the grass and Dan nuzzled himself into my chest, I realized how right he was. I would never have to be alone again. I would always have Dan. He was going to be my husband. And, even more than that, he was a reminder. A reminder that I had a family and friends who cared about me even when the world seemed dark. 

But now, even laying under the night sky, the world didn't seem very dark. As I looked up at the stars, I drank in sameness. I wondered how many times in our lives Dan and I would look up at those same stars. I hoped the number would be big.

I looked down at Dan, his head resting on my chest, his hands intertwined in mine, and I felt my heart rate elevate and my breath catch in my throat. He was beautiful. He was familiar.

I looked at Dan Howell, and I felt the same way I did when I looked at the stars.