My name is Cassidy. I'm 18 years old, and i was born and raised in Michigan. Most people would describe me as a wallflower. Not silent, but observant. Too observant sometimes. They might call me an introvert.
But they have no idea. If they only knew the magnitude of potent thoughts that plague my mind on a daily basis. On the outside, I hide. On the inside, I am writhing in the pain that my own thoughts inflict on me.
Until this day, I've kept up my image as being of a completely sound mind. I've been afraid of being discovered for years, but now that my secret is out, I guess it went down almost exactly as I had always imagined it would: My parents found the journal that I have been hiding deep down in my messy hard drive for years. They talked to the school counselor, who confirmed my inveterate behaviors. They took me to a psychiatrist, I was formally diagnosed, and as of today, everyone in town knows that I have crippling, debilitating, Body Dysmorphic Disorder.
So now that my parents know, they're sending me off to a clinic. Not because they want to get me help, but because they don't want to help me themselves. That's fine. It's typical..
I suppose when they say, "No one can love you if you don't love yourself," they mean it. Whoever "they" are anyways. I feel like I never know who made up the quote I'm referring to but maybe that's how it was intended to be. Anonymous. Able to continue to sink into the background even when you invented the very quote that all of the "self-aware" "plans to study clinical sociology" bitches in high school use under their picture in the yearbook.
I miss the days when I was anonymous like that. It's not exactly ideal to have the whole town talking about you when you've spent your entire life trying to create the opposite effect.. although, I don't exactly care anymore, since i have a new home for the time being. Until I'm "fixed," as I keep hearing everyone tell my parents. The truth is though, I can't be fixed. I've spent my whole life this way, and I'll never change. I'm fucked up, that's just the way it is.
--
So now that you know a bit of my backstory, let's get to the present day. The reason you're reading this. If you're reading this, that is. As a way for me to "come to terms" with my own psychiatric health, I'm being forced by the nurse who's been assigned to my case to keep a "new" journal. One that documents my time at the clinic. I've been promised that this will be a personal retelling of my life, for my eyes only. So I suppose I should say this just in case..
If you're reading this:
Fuck you. This was supposed to be private.
Right. Moving on.
Assuming you're either a nurse that's gotten a hold of this against my will, or you're one of my parents snooping and completely overstepping privacy boundaries.. Obviously, you've disregarded the above warning. At least I tried. Let's get on with the journal.
(Author's Note)
Hi everyone. My name is Tania and I would honestly just like to thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm writing this to give a little insight on what it is like to live with Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I've been fighting with myself every day since age 8, and my main goal for this is that SOMEONE out there is helped in some way by reading this. Whether that be to feel less alone, or even to realize that you may have BDD, I'm really eager to spread awareness because it's extremely misunderstood.
As this is a fanfiction, mostly everyone who stumbles upon this probably knows what Niall looks like. If you don't, just hang in there, I'll attach a picture of what I imagine AU Niall to dress like/look like when we get to a chapter involving him. I kind of imagine him as distant and volatile on the outside, but extremely compassionate (as Niall is) somewhere under that facade.
For my visual readers, I'm really sorry, but I'm not going to let you see what Cassidy looks like yet. I want you to see Cassidy from HER perspective, hang onto her descriptions, just because that's how it is in real life. You only know how YOU think you look. That's kind of the main issue with BDD. You don't see yourself the way others do. Once I get into Niall's POV, I'll start to attach images of how he is seeing Cassidy. I just think doing it this way reflects reality really well and I hope it's ok with you guys :)
My twitter is @/detroitnialll if anyone wonders. I'm always around to talk.
Again, thanks for reading, and remember. You're much stronger than you think you are.
xo Tania
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Exhausted
Fanfiction"..Imagine a world in which your brain disagrees with your eyes. What you see in your reflection is so obscenely hideous you almost can't bring yourself to leave the house. The way your clothes cling on your body offends you in such a way that your...
