Lucky Boy [Hamilton AU] (Lams)

9

Alex and I walked down the street, going against the hard winter winds. I felt bad making him walk through this, but I didn't really want to just sit in the foyer of my apartment complex. What if someone walked in and wouldn't leave us alone. For a good twenty minutes or so, we were just walking in silence, I was just staring at my shoes, occasionally looking up to make sure I didn't run into anything or anyone.

"John," Alex started, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry about leaving you like I did. I didn't m-"

"You didn't mean what? To hurt me? I opened up to you." We stopped walking so we could face each other. "I showed my underside, I was so vulnerable. And you just walked out like I was nothing. Like nothing happened between us!"

"John, I didn't know what to say! I-"

I slapped him. Everything hurts more in the cold, my hand, and his cheek. His cheek turned a bright red, making the rest of his face look extremely pale. I don't really know why I slapped him, I think it was mostly just my anger. from the past two weeks. Some small part of me regretted it, hitting him, but another part of me felt like he deserved that. Both feelings contributed to a small turning of my stomach, guilt. Alex just stood there, stunned, slowly bringing his hand up to cup his burning cheek. [have you ever been slapped in the cold? that shit hurts] And we stood in this silence, but it wasn't an intimate silence anymore, it was more the calm before the storm. I expected something from Alex. For him to yell at me. For him to call me a name. For him to slap me back. But he just stood there, cupping his cheek. The redness eventually began to fade, which meant that we were actually just standing in a soft silence for a while. But I was too scared to say anything.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"For?"

"For walking out on you like I did. For letting you cry. Seeing you cry broke my heart John, but I know I hurt you more. I just didn't know what to do. I'm sorry. I should've come back sooner, but..." he trailed off.

"What?"

"I thought you hated me, or you were over me, or just didn't want to see me ever again. So I didn't want to upset you by going to the apartments."

I stayed quiet, half of me still waiting for that slap. "I-I'm sorry," I said.

He looked confused, putting his hand back in his pocket. "But you didn't do anything."

"For slapping you," I said softly. He chuckled a bit and we continued our walk in silence. Again, it wasn't intimate, but it was peaceful. I debated whether or not to ask him about the letters he'd given me. As I got more in thought, I could feel my heart speeding up. Why was I so nervous about that? Probably because those letters meant everything to me.

"I... I..." I couldn't find the words, earning me a concerned look from Alex. "I found your letters," I admitted finally. His cheeks turned a rosy red.

"You did? Oh, John, I'm really sorry about that... I wanted to surprise you and that's how I found your binder and I-"

"It's okay Alex. That's how I found them. I checked to see why you were looking under my bed and I found the box." I gave a soft smile, which he kindly returned. "Thank you," I said.

His shoulders dropped slightly at my thanks, but they were quickly brought up again, as he plastered a small side smile on his face. "No problem."

I wanted to tell him that I loved him, but after two weeks of not talking or even seeing each other, I wasn't so sure if saying 'I love you' was something either of us deserved. So we kept walking, and now the silence was awkward. Very awkward. I didn't want to go back home just yet, but our walk was seemingly dragging out because we weren't talking, or even looking at each other. I heard Alex's footsteps stop, so I stopped and turned to face him. He grabbed my arms and kissed me. I pulled back out of surprise. Alex looked so hurt when I did that. "I-I-I-I'm so sorry John. I-I don't know what I was thi-" I kissed him. It was very passionate, and I'm sure everyone who walked or drove by us was genuinely grossed out. The snow was trickling down around us, and piling up on our heads, which sounds pretty cliche and romantic, except when it starts to melt because of your body heat and run down your clothes as freezing cold water. That got us to pull apart.