Lucky Boy [Hamilton AU] (Lams)

20

Alex

John rarely spoke. Rarely ate. Rarely moved. He just sat in a constant state of shock. It had been two weeks since the rape. John didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't blame him. I just wish he'd open up to me. I wish he wouldn't flinch every time I tried to hug him. I know there's nothing I can do but I wish I could. I took a deep breath and walked into our room. He was asleep, curled up into a small little ball on the left side of the bed.

I went and laid next to him, gently brushing my fingers through his hair. I loved his long curls, and I know he wanted them gone. I told him I'd take him to get a haircut whenever he wanted, but he was hesitant to go outside again. Laf went to go buy clippers so we could just cut his hair here. He would feel safer that way. He agreed, but he's been in such a rut that it's hard to get him to do anything. My heart went out to him and I just wanted to hold him forever. My love, ripped apart at seam. I had to fix this, or I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

I kissed his forehead and gently tried to wake him up. He rolled closer to me. "Hey, why don't you get up and we can cut your hair like we talked about?" I said softly. He shrugged and sat up. I helped him stand up and went to the kitchen where Laf set up a chair and we draped a towel over John's chest. "How do you want it?"

"Short." His voice was raspy from lack of use.

"How short?" Laf asked.

"I'll tell you when to stop."

So Laf handed the clippers and I started cutting. I ended up shaving the sides more than the top. There was light curls left on the top of his head. That's how he wanted it. And God, he could work that hairstyle. He could work anything. I could tell he was a little happy about this as a smile flickered on his face in the mirror. He ran a hand through his hair. He gave me a hug. It was the first time he'd hugged me without hesitation in a while. I hugged him back.

"Do you like it?"

He nodded. I was a bit disappointed. I wanted him to say something. I was beginning to miss his voice. "Thank you," he squeaked. I smiled and he intertwined his fingers with mine.

"Anything for you, Johnny." He smiled a bit more and kissed my cheek. I followed him into the bedroom as he climbed back under the covers. I sighed. "Why don't we go do something?" I suggested. He ignored it.

"I've never had my hair this short before. Do you like it Alex?" I was surprised he was trying to initiate a conversation. His voice was cracking still but was slowly fixing itself.

"John. I love your hair. But are you listening to me?"

His hands plopped down from his head into his lap. "I-I don't know. I like being in here. I-I don't want to be out there anymore."

I frowned. "But I'll be right beside you. Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do. I just don't trust other people. I just like being inside. Is that so wrong?"

"I guess not. I'm just getting worried John. You've barely eaten or moved or talked or anything in two weeks." He looked down sadly at his lap. "We don't have to leave anywhere. Just please don't shut down babe," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned into me and teared up. He started to shake and cry I could tell because I could feel the dampness on my shirt seeping against my chest.

"I can still feel him Alex..."

"It's okay."

"But you're right. I shouldn't have shut down on you two like that. I-I'm sorry. I just... I don't know..." He used a pillow to dry his face.

"And I wouldn't expect you to. Now why don't you go sit on the couch, lay down out there. I'll make you some food. Okay?" I gently took the pillow from his hands and put it behind him. I used my thumb gently to wipe the remaining tears away.