cryptic ⋙ calum hood

12. Cassie

Caution: Trigger Warning

 

“What the fuck have you been doing?” The angry voice breathed through the receiver.

“I hung out with Calum today. I told you,” I picked at my fingernails.

“For two hours? How long does it take to eat?”

“We talked a bit. Calm down.” I shifted my attention to the ends of my dark hair, which definitely needed to be cut.

“Did you suck his dick? Fuck him?” He spat and I gasped at loud, dropping the section of hair I had been fiddling with.

“Excuse me? No, I didn’t fuck him.” I rolled my eyes at his immaturity. “You need to relax.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well you should,” I scoffed. He was unbelievable, and I was not the type to find jealousy attractive.

He was silent as I chewed on my lip. He grunted and then released a sigh.

“Sorry, I’m just scared you’ll leave me.” I smiled at that.

“I won’t. You’re being paranoid. I’m gonna go do homework, but I’ll text you later.”

“Bye Cass,” he said quietly.

“Bye Parker,” I chirped, hoping to better his mood. I didn’t actually head for my homework, but for my laptop, opening up Cedar’s site.

‘God, she’s beautiful. I missed her.’

Cedar never usually posted personal stuff, except for when the blog was new and no one knew about it. I think once people from school found it, he stopped talking about himself. That was sort of sad- he had no outlet for his emotions. I hope he had someone as great as himself to talk to. I knew a lot of really great people ended up feeling the most alone. I glanced at my left wrist, a secret covered by a grey knit cardigan. The itching had returned; the urges and the unbearable voices. I returned my attention to the screen, ignoring my mind’s distressed and needy state.

I scrolled through the questions until I got bored, and just laid there staring at the ceiling. I should have done my homework, but I kept thinking of Parker, my mother, and Calum.

I was scared of Parker. That couldn’t be okay, right? I shouldn’t be scared of him. He’s my boyfriend. And Calum. He seemed so… off today. I couldn’t exactly place what it was, possibly just discomfort after not seeing me for so long? I hoped it wouldn’t last. I’d talk to Luke and hopefully figure it out. As for my mother, maybe I could spend more time with her? Maybe I could tell her where I am more often? Maybe I could bring home my friends? She wouldn’t appreciate them all being boys. My only real girl friend was Samantha. I thought maybe me and Andrea could be friends, except when I got my nails done with her and Sam I realized I couldn’t fucking stand her. She was rude and stuck-up and just not my cup of tea.

As I lay there, occupying myself with absolutely nothing but my overwhelming thoughts, I realized I didn’t really have anything besides the few people in my life. If I wasn’t spending time with Parker or Sam, I was alone in my room doing nothing, really. Homework, actually, which I would drag out for countless hours by staring at the wall until I remembered the pen in my hand. I needed something to do.

I wasn’t necessarily good at anything, though. I couldn’t draw or paint or do sports or sing or dance. I was just sort of there. Just existing, floating through life but not ever standing out or doing anything.

This made me incredibly sad to think about, and I felt a flare shoot up my veins, begging for my attention.

You could disappear and no one would notice.