cryptic ⋙ calum hood

19. Calum

possible trigger warning?? maybe??

“Then next time, don’t come running to me,” I spat and left Cassie’s house. Her housekeeper tried to say something to me, but I cut her off with a quiet thank you for having me and goodbye. I know I was being a fucking jerk, but I couldn’t help it. I was so angry with Cassie. It was so obvious Parker had been the one hurting her, why wouldn’t she leave him?

Why didn’t she want me the way I wanted her?

I drove angrily to my house, wanting nothing more than to tear my own hair out. I don’t even know why I liked her so much. She was nothing special, right?

Wrong. She was amazing. She was beautiful. She was funny and smart and although moody, I really really liked the damn girl.

“Fuck!” I yelled into the empty house, throwing my keys onto the coffee table. I considered calling the girl who had become such a big piece of me, of my life, in a matter of months, but I decided against it. If she wanted me, she would tell me. But she wanted Parker. She wanted him and I had to be okay with that.

In my room, I grabbed my computer to check my blog. I answered some questions, and found a reply to previous messages I had been sending to someone.

‘I doubt you could help someone like me. I’m hopeless.’

‘The least I can do is try.’ I typed back to the person on the other side of the screen.

In a few hours time, my mum and dad came home and scolded me about skipping school. I assured them it would never happen again, and told them they were lucky I wasn’t addicted to drugs or something. My mum laughed and all I could do was force a smile and think of the times when mum wouldn’t talk at all. She’d stare at the wall and couldn’t even hold a cup of tea. When James left us, she took it hardest. Those were the darkest days of my life, and even still I sometimes feel like I’m sitting in a dark closet waiting for someone to find me.

I did absolutely nothing but lay in my bed all day, skipping dinner and watching the ceiling above me. Things just weren’t fair. I grabbed my phone from my side table and Cassie’s name flooded my texts and missed calls. I quickly called her back, my hands shaking and heart racing.

“Calum!” Her voice cried out through the phone.

“I’m sorry Cassie, I didn’t mean it. You can always come to me.”

“Calum, are you okay? Are you crying?”

“I’m not.” And I wasn’t, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe and my words were coming out in short phrases.

“Calum, I’m sorry. I wish I could explain everything to you, but I can’t. Not yet, at least. I will, though, I promise.”

“You don’t have to. It’s your life and everything you do is up to you. I’ll see you in school tomorrow, Cassie.”

“Alright Cal,” she said hesitantly. I could imagine her chewing her lip nervously as she spoke. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

My breathing didn’t regulate itself for a while, so it seemed. I listened to sad, angsty music and wondered why the people we liked didn’t like us back even when they people they were with were hurting them.

I couldn’t even be sure Parker was hurting Cass! It could’ve been her parents for all I know! Instead of blowing up at her, I should’ve tried to talk to her about it again. God, Calum, you’re so fucking stupid. I groaned, checking my phone for the time and seeing it was half past midnight. I checked my blog once more, deciding I’d go to bed right after.

I’m so sorry. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. I hurt everyone and ruin everything and I don’t deserve to be here.

My eyes widened at the screen as I began to type a reply as quickly as possible.

I don’t know when this was sent but I hope it wasn’t too long ago because I don’t know you but I really care about you and hope nothing bad has happened to you. Please, I’m begging you to please let me know who you are so I can get you help.

How the fuck could I sleep knowing someone was in this much pain, and that I could possibly save them? I sat, waiting for some sort of response. I tapped my fingers anxiously on my thighs. A little ping alerted me that I had received a new message from the person I’d been worrying about all night. Their username, a simple abc123, was blue with a little green light indicating they were in fact online.

Not tonight. Soon.

This was my chance! I had caught them online!

Preferably never. Please, talk to me, tell me what’s wrong. If not me, please call one of these hotlines. I inserted the local suicide hotline number.

Why do you do it? They typed back.

Huh?

Why do you spend time just helping people you don’t know? What do you get out of it?

I was confused. No one had ever questioned my motives. They just took my help, which, I guess this person wasn’t really asking for, technically, since they were refusing me.

I like helping people. I don’t get anything out of it except the satisfaction of someone else feeling better because of me. I guess that’s a bit selfish.

No, just benevolent. The person from the other side of the screen assured me.

Please let me help you.

I don’t want to be saved anymore. Sorry I bothered you. Goodnight.

And the green little dot next to their name went grey, letting me know that the person I had been talking to was gone. I huffed at myself in annoyance. If someone doesn’t want saving, and isn’t letting you through to them, what do you do? Was there anything I really could do? There had to be, and I felt like it was my responsibility to figure out a way because I was the person they had chosen to confide in.

If someone put everything they had into you, if they placed their life in your hands, you had to help them, whether it was easy or not, so that's exactly what I intended to do.

really suckish chapter man but yay calums pov for the first time in forever

honestly it was so deserved bc it has been freaking forever and i could give you excuses and stuff and tell you why its been forever but im sure you guys dont wanna hear it so ya ok 

i love you all sm! ive already started the next chapter!! (which happens to be cassie again whoops) i promise ill try to update quicker now that im in my new house :) 

vote & comment & possibly check out my other fic! it makes my day! ily all cupcakes

-ara

(p.s. dedicated to char bc shes perf and i love her & pretty much wrote this for her and you should all go read her stories ok)