Yes I Was A Prostitute...

Chapter-10 - I AM ONLY YOUR'S... TRUST ME..

I stood on the wet barren land for two hours until; my Manoj had turned into ashes. I was drenched in rainwater which washed off the blood stains on my body and even discolored my saree. Even though the ashes were swampy, still I collected them and fastened it in one corner of my saree. Hiring an auto-rickshaw I reached the brothel. On my way I was feeling strangely numb. My whole world had turned upside down just one night ago.

As I advanced towards my wretched and unventilated room, I could spot some eerie looks. Suddenly, brothel madam came out of her cell and warned me to stop. She grabbed my strangulated hair and took me to a room. There she beat me up with a red broomstick on my thighs and hands. Not only that, she kept cursing me in local and cheap slang language. Then I saw the two men coming whom I had attacked. Their sly smiles forewarned me about their odious actions. Their faces had purplish and reddish taints as a repercussion of last night's incident. They tied my hands, legs and shut my mouth with a men's white handkerchief.

One of the men lit a cigarette and smacked it on various exposed parts of my body. I didn't shout or cry. I just closed my eyes and tried to be strong. I kept imagining Manoj's face. Indeed, this physical assault was nothing in comparison to the emotional turmoil I was going through. After sometime, they got prostrated and stopped. While leaving the room, the madam said," You dare try to escape from this brothel again and you would be killed. You better not show your courage in front of me". Hearing this I got infuriated, and replied "I am back here for my own reason. I am not bound to hear you as you need me more than I need you. After you have scared me so much, I am not afraid of you anymore. Even if you kill me, I would not regret to get out of this hell, in fact you would." After saying this I went to my room limping. Maybe, they had seen the peevishness in me and could feel the rage inside my heart, which provoked them to be silent.

When I entered the room with my trunk, some of my friends approached me and consoled me with concerned faces. I hugged them as I needed some shoulder to cry on. Though I had promised myself that I wouldn't cry but yes I needed care and empathy. Paromita took my hands in her and said, " Yashri you cannot change your fate, you have to be strong. I am always there with you. Don't worry, you will be okay. If you would be sad, your fiance would be sad up there. So you need to be tenacious."

After we had lunch, I needed to be ready for my work, but I was not in a position to dress up. Though my friends insisted to the pimp to excuse me, but insensitive she turned a deaf ear towards them. So Paro, washed the stains, applied cream on the cigarette smacks and then dressed me up. She made me stand in the diurnal queue. My body ached and complained, but I was forced. Standing there, I flew to some other world, where I could imagine myself with Manoj in a beautiful landscape, cuddling in each other's arms beside a gurgling brook and an orange maple tree.

My dreams were interrupted when a customer called for me. I accompanied him to the same room where I had spent hours with Manoj. As I entered the room, I could feel my love with me. I could smell his body odor when the customer propelled himself on me. As we made out, I felt as if I was in Manoj's arms. I moaned and whined in the customer's wrap. After about one hour my world again felt apart when I realized, that I was not with Manoj but with a Mephisto who was enjoying the libido.

I regretted and felt guilty as I was happy while making out with another man. Many questions struck my mind. " how could I feel so? I had dedicated my body and soul to Manoj. Then why did I feel good about having sex with another man? I felt nasty and it was disagreeable to me. The next five customers went disappointed as I didn't serve them well because of my complexion. My heart kept pleading to Manoj's soul for forgiveness. i felt ridiculous and like a slattern in Manoj's view, though i was one.

time creeped by, my life was a standstill now. i did everything i did before but without any realization. I hadn't slept for days.I didn't feel to eat but the pimp made me forcefully eat, lest I would fall ill. I would dress up but the beauty on my face would be hidden by my mournful expression. sometimes i could feel Manoj right beside me, but the moment i perceived the reality, i felt so alone again. Each day, it felt as if someone had stabbed my heart and thus it pained terribly which resulted into wet eyes and dripping tears.

I know you would be with the angels up above in the vast sky we know as heaven. With tears pouring from my eyes, I try desperately to put the puzzle pieces together and wonder how this could have happened. You were too young to go so soon, and yet you went anyway. The cruelty of it all lingers still in my broken heart as I recall the last words you spoke to me before taking your last breath. As the months have passed too slowly for me to have any hope of moving on, I miss the sound of your voice. The tone you used when you were mad or upset. The softness of your hand and the silkiness of your hair whenever you would allow me to play with it. Those moments we had together that seemed to last forever and a day. I miss you darling. i miss your presence and your love.The day you died left a hole in my heart and a void in my life.

deep inside my heart i always postulated him that though i sleep with many, but " i am only yours baby. i am only yours. from the day when i had dedicated my soul to you, i had become yours and i would be yours forever." every time i slept with a customer i apologized to my lost love from my innermost heart. one day as i was doing my hair in front of the mirror which had dust laden on it, i could see Manoj suddenly behind me. i was in my fantasy world, so i tried to touch him through the mirror. in my attempt to do this, i was only able to remove the dust and actualize that nobody was there. i felt very grieved. i missed him so much that i wished to hug him tightly which had always brought a smile on my face in past. 

But the woeful verity was that i did not have any emblem left of him which i could treasure except the love letter written by him and the dried red rose which i had kept in my trunk. i ran to my shelf where i opened my trunk in a hurry and took out his love letter swiftly. i smelled the savor of the worn out yellowish letter and relished it gleefully. but with that i had moist eyes and an aching heart.