Yes I Was A Prostitute...

chapter-11 LETTERS TO HEAVEN

I stood in front of the dirty creamy wall holding the old, frayed and moth-eaten love letter close to my heart and closed my moisture laden eyes to pour out my despondency. I treasured the light of my life in my heart and my mind kept reminiscing about him. After an instance I put my hands into the dark surface of the trunk and could find the rosette which had turned blackish and also whose sweet smell had withered away but still it was dear to my heart.  as my nostrils engulfed the delicate hint of the musty whiff in the air, my brain flooded with pictures of him. with that the beads of water started falling down my eyes and they rolled silently into my cracked lips, salty and cold. I could never fathom why God would give me someone so good only to snatch him away again. I knew he was safe with the almighty, loved and warm, but I couldn't reach him there. this was the saddest part.

 You have become a silhouette, as if you walked from a photograph and left behind blackness. There is an ache that comes and goes, always returning in quiet moments. I want so much to keep you close, to talk and laugh like we once did and I know that your absence is down to me. Though you are gone,your aura remains, beautiful and strong, making the pain all the worse, keeping the feelings so raw. It's a cruelty that the sun continues to rise, to welcome in each new day devoid of your laughter or even your grumpy complaints and sarcastic commentary.

The ache of longing to be with him echoed through the very marrow of my bones. It was a chill wind trapped in the chambers of my heart.I never knew that missing someone could take over every fiber of your being and wring you out like a wet sponge every day. It is a torment that I was unprepared for. as i looked at the letter, i thought if i could convey my feelings to Manoj through a letter. i wanted him to know how much i longed for him and how much i wished to be with him every second of my life. i wanted him to know that without him, i had no reason to live my life , but i couldn't give up because i was a fighter and he loved me for being that.

So, after pondering over my wishes for long i decided that i would write letters to Manoj. though i couldn't send them to him but at least i could pen down my covetousness for him. maybe that way my heart could talk with that of his in a better way. wishing that, somewhere he stayed with me like the afterglow and listened to what my heart sang for him. maybe that would make him happy and take me more close to his eternal soul which always loved me.

i recollected that i had seen an old rugged diary with Paromita. so i borrowed that from her and executed the plan of actions after my work hours that night.i knew that some of my friends who would be free from work at night would be tired. so i thought of not disturbing them and with a blue pen and the diary, went in search of an apt place which would provide me solitude. i needed to find a place, such that the pimp did not get to know. while my search i found that the iron staircase which facilitated way to the terrace had a steely hint of yellow light. i decided to sit there as it was safe. i sat on the weak staircase and opened the diary which was my now. the first page which was a little glossy one grabbed my attention. as now this diary was very special to me so i thought of prettifying it. 

on the first page i wrote in a stylish handwriting " Letters To Heaven". on the next page i particularly wrote the date '19 august,2001' and started to pen down my feelings dedicated to Manoj. my letter said-                                                                                                                                                         dear Manoj,                                                                                                                                                                               "I am sending a dove to heaven, with a parcel on its wings,                                                                                 Be careful to open it, it's full of beautiful things.                                                                                                     Inside are a million kisses wrapped up in a million hugs,                                                                                   to say how much I miss you and to send you all my love.                                                                                   I hold you close within my heart and there you will remain                                                                                to walk with me throughout my life until we meet again."

that was my first letter to him. i read it over and over again. it took me almost two hours to write up this poem. i was conscious whether he would like it or not. i was thoughtful whether my true feelings would reach out to his soul or not.but somewhere my heart said that yes he was.  i felt so relieved after scribbling down my thoughts. i felt as if i was talking to Manoj.

two months had passed. With every spare moment my mind would rehearse a new letter to him and i would write them down whenever i got time in my whole day. but i made sure that i wrote a letter to Manoj everyday. however tired i would be, i would never forget to spent some time with Manoj through my writing. as days passed i started missing him less because i felt as if he was with me. the time i would spend with my friend- the black staircase and my love would be the happiest hour.

one afternoon, while i was writing a love letter to my one and only love, i started feeling nauseating and my head seemed to be spinning. i wanted to vomit so i headed towards the bathroom. on my way, suddenly i found the walls and the passage to be hazy and i fainted. i don't remember anything after that. when i woke up, i was on a mattress laid to the cemented floor of our room.besides me i saw Paromita who had happy looks on her face. the dimples on her cheeks which accompanied her smile indicated something good. as i tried to sit up, she helped me and hugged me tightly.

on asking her i came to know that i was pregnant. my happiness knew no bounds because i was pretty sure that the child was of mine and Manoj. we made sure that our customers used condoms so i was on safe side. i hugged back Paro tightly and closed my eyes to feel Manoj's hug.i was so happy that i hugged all my friends and even made sweet for them in the kitchen of our brothel. though it wasn't that good as it didn't have all the required ingredients but it was made with love and happiness so all loved it.

the pimp was neutral to this news. her expressions and gestures didn't let out her feelings but she was proactive to warn that if my work was affected or my customers went disappointed then she would make sure that i had an abortion.in no case did i want that and even in my wildest dreams i could not imagine that because for me Manoj was coming back to me in the form of my baby. so i promised the brothel owner that i would not disappoint her.