Just Let Me Go [A Nosh Fanfiction]

Chapter 3: Ruler of my Thoughts

I grab my phone from the bedside table and check the time on my mobile. Great, 3:30 am. I haven't been able to really sleep. I just can't seem to shut my eyes. I look over at Bec, who is gracefully sleeping the night away. I tuck a strand of her blond hair behind her ear, making sure not to wake her. I competely turn my body to look at her. Guilt slowly enveloping me. I can't do this to her, I can't keep pretending that I still love her as much as I did when we met. It's not fair to her, it really isn't. I know I don't love her, because I just don't find the things she does to be all that breathtaking anymore. Getting rather bored I go onto twitter to see what's going on. On my timeline I see a recent tweet from Niall:

@NiallOfficial : Guess I ain't getting any sleep tonight! Anyone up?

I bite my lip. Should I text him? No maybe he's decided to go to bed after all. What if he hasn't? Just text him already! I listen to my thoughts, for the first time, and text him.

Me:  Hey, mate! Can't get any shut eye?

Niall:  Hey!! :D None whatsoever! I suppose you're having the same problem?

Me: Exactly. Why can't you go to sleep?

Niall: Headache.

Josh: Oh, that's not good.

Niall: Hey, mate. Maybe I should just go to bed. It'll probably do me better.

Josh: Oh, right. Of course, good night, Niall.

Niall: Night.

Well, that was short lived. I sigh deeply. A few minutes ago my mind was full of guilt. Now? Now it's full of images of Niall. Images of his bright blue eyes, his rose coloured cheeks. I love that he has a very light complexion, that way when he blushes, it's ever so noticeable. I smile to myself. I also love the fact that he's taller than me, but of course, most people are. There are so many things that are great about Niall. His laughter, it's that kind of laughter that makes one laugh whether the joke is known or not. It's a laughter full of youth and innocence. To some his laughter may get rather annoying, but to me, it's a melodious sound. One that makes me happy, even when I'm feeling like rubbish, times like the one I'm in now.

I can't keep lying to myself. I can't keep saying that I love Bec, because I don't. I have to come to terms with reality. What am I gaining from lying to myself. The only thing that's doing is making me go mad. However, I'm scared, I'm scared of what the others will think. What if Dan, Sandy and Jon don't want to talk to me or Zayn, Harry, Louis and Liam. I can't bear that thought. Worst of all, what if Niall stops talking to me. That would instantly break my heart. I don't know what I'd do. No, they're not like that, though. They'd accept me, wouldn't they? Oh come on, answer me you stupid voice! Where are you when I really need you. I just can't keep doing this anymore, I'm not not entirely straight, because I like a guy. Because.. I'm in love with a guy. Because, I'm in love with Niall Horan.

I'm in love with Niall Horan. There I said it. It's about time, mate. Really? Really? I roll my eyes. The more I repeat it in my head the more the smile on my face grows. Thinking of a man with your girlfriend by your side, isn't that nice. Lovely chap you are, Josh. I thought this voice, this conscience was suppose to be helpful, not annoy the living shit out of you or rather make you feel like shit. I turn to Bec, the stupid voice is right, though. I'm being a dickhead in thinking about Niall, while I have a beautiful girl sleeping next to me. What am I going to do? I can't just break it off. She'd be hurt, I may not love her, but I care about her a lot. I lean in to peck her lips. Nothing. I do it again nothing, zippo, nada. I would continue, perhaps to try and see if I can change my feeling towards her, but I don't want to wake her and I most certainly don't want her to think I'm trying to have my way with her while she sleeps.

I'm such a damn pansy; a complete and utter coward. I could never bring myself to break up with Bec. I can't just hurt her that way. I've been with her for a while and I see that she clearly loves me, making me feel like the worst person in the world. I have to stay with her, I wouldn't handle seeing her hurt. Bec is a strong girl, but she loves me, and that's the problem. If I break up with her she would end up hurt and I can't have that.

I'm so fucking confused, I'm falling in love for the lad two doors down, but I care strongly for my girlfriend who I don't love. I can break up with her and have her hate me or I can stay with her and admire the blue-eyed boy from afar. You sure are in a tough situation. I sure am, I sure am.

Why can my life be a bit more normal? Regular people have to deal with their cars breaking down, leaving their keys inside their car, running into a pole, but no I have to be a confused 'mofo.' I sigh and get of the bed and head to the kitchen to grab a glass of water. With my glass I head to the sitting room and sit on the sofa, flicking the telly on. What time is it? Shit I forgot my mobile in the room. I look around the room hoping to find a clock somewhere, which fortunately, I do. 5 o'clock? Damn, how long was I thinking for? The worst part is that we have a show later and I got no sleep whatsoever. I really hope it doesn't interfere with my performance today. I directed my attention to the telly, flipping through the channels and settling for some classic Disney cartoons. Perfect way to distract me for a few minutes. It brings me back to the days when I was a kid. I would just wake up in the morning and grab a plate of sugary cereal and sit down to watch some cartoons. It's easy to miss ones childhood. It was a time when relationships weren't a big deal, where you didn't like anybody because they had cooties, when you didn't worry about being gay or straight. Just being as free as the wind. We're always so eager to grow up, but when we do, we realise that adulthood is not all its cracked up to be. Sure I'm living the dream, touring with the most popular boyband in the world right now, but what good does that title do for me, when I'm such a confused wreck right now.

-°-°-°-°-°-°

I open my eyes, feeling something wrapped around me, a blanket. Suddenly the smell of something cooking fills my nostrils. I sit up on the couch and look towards the kitchen to find Bec cooking whilst humming an unfamiliar tune. I climb off the couch and head to the kitchen. Bec turns around and smiles widely.

"Baby, you're up! Good morning!" She then pecks my lips. I smile.

"Good morning, love." She then goes back to cooking, pancakes to be exact "Babe, why didn't you just order something?" I chuckle.

She pouts. "I wanted to make you something!" There goes that painful feeling in my chest. Serves you right to feel that way, mate. "Josh, what happened? I woke up and you weren't on the bed. So then I came into the sitting room and there you were sleeping on the couch. I had to physically move you so you were laying down and brought you a blanket." She says, amused.

"I, uh, I woke up early and decided to watch the box for a while, but I guess I fell asleep." I smile innocently, which makes her giggle.

"Clearly. Now, why don't you go watch some telly while breakfast is ready. I'll call you when its ready, okay?" I nod and go back to the sitting room. You see what I mean? I can't leave her, she too good of a person to hurt. I run my hands over my face. I stand up and head to the room and get my mobile, returning to the sofa. Once I unlock my it I see that I have a message, from all the boys and Paul. All saying the same thing. To be at the lobby by 10:30. I look at the time, seeing that it's only 8:20. I look down at my clothes and notice that I'm not changed. Seeing as that I have quite some time, and breakfast isn't ready a took a quick but thorough shower. After, I changed into a white pocket tee, some black fitted jeans and my black converse. Just as I was exiting the bedroom, Bec calls me for dinner. I go to the restroom and wash my hands, then head to the table. Upon reaching it, there are plates of pancakes, two on each plate, along with some juice and syrup.

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A/N: So I couldn't sleep and decided to update this. I wrote it on my cell so things that should be in italics or bold aren't and I'm now sleepy so it's not complete. I guess this will be part one amd I'll do part two tomorrow, maybe. Anyways, if yoy liked it VOTE and COMMENT. If you didn't at least comment. Lol cx Bye, bye, loves! -Jenn ♥