The Cecil Hotel

Chapter 1: Charging rhinos

"God fucking damn it Gil! I didn't know we're staying at this fucking cheap dump old gross smelly hell of a fucking damn butt-busting hell of a fucking hotel!" Yelled Mike brutally.

"Oh come on Mike. You know we have no choice. You know we can't afford luxury hotels," said Gil.

"Yes we can! You're just to stupid to get it for us!" Mike snorted like a pig.

"Aw quit whining you pathetic crappy asshole. If you want a luxury hotel, then feel free to spend the night there by yourself," Gil said impatiently. Gil drove his car in the parking lot which was filled with gross puke stuff and other junk. An old bearded hillbilly with rotten teeth walked over to them.

"Excuse me, but how many Amish men does it take to peel a potato?" Asked the old man.

Gil couldn't believe what he was hearing. Do I seriously have to listen to more nonsense? He thought.

"Two. One to turn the damn thing and the other to peel it," he said impatiently. "And let me ask, what the hell do you think you're doing just sittin' here in the middle of the parking lot? You betta get outta my way or else I'm gonna bust the potatoes out of your fat ass!" Said Gil.

The man just stood there motionless.

"Aw come on just move the fucking fuck out of our fucking way you stupid fucking drunk fuck!" Yelled Mike.

"Before I go I have one more important question," said the man.

"Aw come on, what is it now you stupid asshole?" Gil whined.

"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish man?" Said the man.

Gil has had enough. "We don't have time for your bullshit right now," he said impatiently. "And if you don't move over right now I'm gonna run over your ass!"

"But wait! I don't know how to get there!" The man whined.

"You're already there, idiot!" said Gil. "Now let me pass or I'm gonna run over ya!"

"But I don't know how to..."

"Aw shut up fool! That's it. We're gonna kill you now if you don't move," Gil snarled. He nearly killed the poor old man but luckily the man got out of the way just soon enough before he could've been killed.

"OH FUCK!!!" Gil yelled.

"What is it now?" Mike whined.

"We have to pay fucking 30 dollars for parking. Fucking idiots. I can't believe this." Gil got out of the car and angrily kicked the parking meter that said "Meet Park-o-McMeter!" on it so hard that it fell over.

"Oh shit," he said now sounding demonic.

"Why did you kick it?" Mike whined.

"Aw shut up loser," said Gil.

"Uh, Gil?" Mike said in a whiney voice.

"Ugh what is it now stupid?" Gil groaned.

"I....I'm scared!" Mike whined.

"There ain't nothin' to be scared about, wimp! So you'd better get your ass out of the car or else you're gonna starve to death in this damn car!" said Gil.

"Butt all these scary things happened here! Some people even say this place is c...c....c....c...CURSED! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Mike suddenly screamed. "I want to go home! I wanna go home right now! We need to get the fuck out of here now!!"

"Aw come on you stupid old fart we haven't even walked into the bruthafuckin' building for pete's sake!" said Gil.

"F...f...f.Fine! But only if you hold onto me! Promise?" said Mike in a cowardly way.

"Okay whatever," Gil said, giving up.

As soon as they walked into the building, Mike screamed. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I just remembered! A man got killed by charging rhinos who stayed here! That creeps the hell outta me!!!"

"Would you stop whining? It's getting REALLY irritating!" Gil said.

"But..."

"No butts! Let's just get the fuck out of this stupid garage for pete's sake!"

Before Mike could open his mouth, Gil grabbed him and charged into the lobby, bumping his butt into basically every piece of furniture that surrounded him. People stared at them.

"See now look what you made me do!" Said Gil angrily. That made the scene even more obvious.

"But it's not my fault..."

"I don't care! Let's just check in for god's sake!" said Gil impatiently.

"Ummm... Is there anything I can help you with?" Said a short, fat, smelly man who seemed to be one of the hotel staff members.

"We need a room. NOW!" said Gil impatiently, wanting to get the whole thing over with so bad that he peed in his pants, causing another scene.

"Oh FUCK! Now look what you did!" Gil said turning to Mike.

"But it wasn't my..."

"I don't care!"

"Excuse me sir, but is there anything I can help you with?" said the staff member.

"FUCK YEAH THERE IS!! I SAID I NEED A FUCKING ROOM NOW!!! AND IF YOU DONT GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT THIS MINUTE I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING POTATO ASS OFF!" Gil yelled furiously.

"Sir, how dare you talk to us like that! That's it. You're not staying at this hotel with that attitude!" yelled the staff member.

"Oh give me a fucking break!" yelled Gil. "You know man, I'm a cop and I can arrest you now because you are a fucking cheater you fat idiot!"

"What the hell did you just call me?" said the staff member.

"I said you uh... do you have a cat, your honor?" Gil said, giving up.

"Why yes I do!" said the staff member brightly. "Would you like room service too?"

"Hell yeah!!!" Said Gil jumping up and down with joy.

They arrived in their fourteenth floor room which was filled with cockroaches, rats, and other junk. Finally, they could chill, but that only lasted a minute.

(To be continued in chapter 2)