Mirrors

Monster

Chapter Twenty-Five:

Monster

Every year, you change into a person you never expected to be. Look back; can you ever say that you were the same person you were this year? Even the slightest change could dictate one’s decisions, one’s emotions, one’s life. Over the years a transformation occurs, bringing out either a matured butterfly from its pupa or a beast out of the shadows.

Everyone, at some point, brings out the monster inside them.

Everything seemed so pointless. The structure of society, the future I wanted to put myself in, school. Nothing seemed to make sense. Nothing seemed important. There were so many instances in life I wished I never existed any longer. It was so much harder to live; why fight? There was no reason left.

Little Irene became Valerie. It was a quick transformation, though the transformation had already begun years before. The move to Washington became the catalyst for this reaction. And there was no turning back.

The little friends that I had left me alone. A week after refusing that cigarette, they managed to forget that there ever was a Valerie in this world. It was me against the world. Slowly but surely, I began to show lack of interest in my studies. My once undefeatable A’s began to falter to C’s. My passionate ramblings began to quiet down, showing little or no opinion at all. The boiling, ravaged anger—I began to lose appetite for. That emotion became my enemy, for it led me to the path of classmates bullying me. Anger was a friend and a foe. So, I avoided it.

In place, a new emotion began to wreak havoc in my life. Insecurity plagued me throughout my days of middle school years. It was normal after all, for a becoming teenager to feel this way. But it was an alien emotion; I never knew it existed.

No one seemed to tell anyone that they had that feeling. They were too afraid to be judged. They were too afraid to show their vulnerability. However, little did they know that that fragility could help them heal later on. Open up to someone; you’ll find the best friends that would stick with you forever. But no. Everywhere you turn, you see another plastered smile. Every conversation seemed so dull, shallow and lacking in exquisite thinking. Kids call each other friends, but they wouldn’t break their blockades to show who they really are.

A changed occurred in me. Even then, I felt little Irene slip through my fingers. And then, something began to replace that part of me. Valerie. She became someone else. She was Mr. Hyde, taking over Dr. Jekyll’s body. A monster—that’s all that I could call her. Careless, unforgiving, merciless, and secretive—that was what made her. She changed from one dynamic to the other.

I began to wear dark clothing, trying to copy one of those so-called goths. I liked the color black; it soothed me. I became quiet, losing the urge to strike a conversation with anyone. Slowly, I became another person.

I found myself standing in the middle of a school cafeteria. Children in different stages of puberty walked passed me. The whole room was a mass of noises and sounds I never wished to hear again. Cuss words sprang out of the air from out of no where. Gossips surged throughout the cliques like electricity through a telephone wire. Screams of laughter forcefully shot out of children’s mouths.

Across the cafeteria, you could spot so many obese kids—I felt repulsed by their nature. Though, I turned my head away trying to act polite. That was when I remembered: they couldn’t see me at all. I looked at them, feeling sorry for their state. Hasn’t anyone tried taking care of their health? Do they just leave them off to kill themselves through indulging so much? I shook my head, disgusted.

Another group made me raise my brow: a clique full of girls. They were the image of a Barbie doll, with a few tomboys here and there. You can smell the insecurity from miles away, though they try their best to hide the person they used to be. Each one was a clone of the other, copying styles from magazines. I cringed at the sight. This was an elementary school. These sixth graders shouldn’t be worrying about what they look. I shook my head again, feeling ashamed to be near them.

My head bobbed back and forth. The younger kids were fine with whatever friends they had. They seem to get along even with the differences they may provoke. But as you look at the older kids, the more segregated they all seemed. What a mess it was.

One little girl sat at the far corner of the cafeteria, munching at her food while conversations kept rolling beside her. She was a shadow—a misfit. Her aloof eyes lost their light. Her movements were involuntary, requiring little effort. She was stuck in a dream world she cannot come out of. There, she was feeling bored when people talk. What else was she supposed to do? She was nonchalant—there was no one there to disturb her time alone.

“Valerie,” I whispered under my breath.

***

It was always so lonely. I couldn’t turn to my parents for help. They were battling their own demons; why would I go in between them and make anything worse? My sisters were growing up, peacefully walking through life without a worry. That was once little Irene’s life. I missed it so much.

Our Washington house was isolated. The elementary school I went to was an hour away. The middle school was closer, however; it was only twenty minutes away. Our new place was in the middle of a subdivision where retired men and women live. This was no breeding ground for children my age. It was quiet—too quiet. The large family I used to have were at the other side of the country. Christmas was intolerable. No memories occurred. No life took place. Christmas was never the same.

The silence taunted me, bored me to death. It made me crazy.

One night, the fights between mom and dad became fiercer. They were screaming at the top of their lungs. Mom started throwing things. Dad barked her to calm down. I never expected this to happen. My seemingly perfect family was crumbling through its foundations. Mom and dad hide their arguments from us. But that night changed it all. My family was the part of life I never paid attention to. But then, it was all I ever worried about.

Valerie—I—imagined a green wine bottle to place all of my emotions in. There was no way they would come out. But that night—that terrible fight—snapped the cork out of place. And I started fuming out what I held inside.