Mirrors

I Hate You

Chapter Thirty-One:

I Hate You

From the very first time I had seen the mirror back in the ocean world, I had encountered Valerie. She was the part of me in which I declined, pushing her to the point of believing that she never existed. Time and time again, I convinced myself that whatever happened to me back then never happened at all. I kept those memories in an imaginary chest, locking it in place. I convinced myself that I would never have to remember that part of my life again. The strain, the embarrassment, the shame; I pushed them away. Valerie was a disease that I knew would never go away. But I patched her up, hiding her in the attic of my life.

I hated her. I hated myself. That’s why, once my sanity came back, I tried changing myself. In every way I can, transformation was necessary. From the way I dressed to the way I reacted to certain kinds of things. It was a way to replenish myself from all the blemishes and stains I had created along this path of life. But no matter how much I tried swiping away the footsteps, they were forever engraved in time.

On my thirteenth birthday, I began to remember my mother. I hadn’t had contact with her in almost a year. A month later, it would be the anniversary of her and Florence leaving. It was another quiet birthday. As a distraction for everyone, Dad brought me and Quinn to Portland, Oregon. We roamed around at the Saturday market, meeting strange artists and their whimsical crafts. I had my first Elephant Ear, which was just a large piece of white, fluffy bread coated with white sugar. We went down Chinatown, eating various food. Through Broadway, we went to the Town Square. It had been modernized, my dad said.

It was an experience that I’d never forget.

The nagging feeling of guilt seeped back and forth into my already strained thoughts. How could we enjoy ourselves when, somewhere out there, Mom and Florence were still alive? I didn’t deserve to enjoy myself without my mother and sister to help me celebrate it.

That night at home, I locked myself in my bedroom. While I was losing myself in thought, my eyes darted to pens and pencils on my study desk. They were calling out to me, to hold them. Their sharp tips threatened me, as if the Devil himself was in the room. Any minute, he’d slam those sticks down my skin. There was no need to let him wait, I told myself. So I sat on the chair, gazing at them for a good ten minutes. A sudden lift made my arm reach for the sharpest pencil. I drove the point across my skin, letting it scrape as much as it could.

I had never felt so ashamed.

Immediately, I dropped the pencil and ran to my father. In his arms I cried, leaving him baffled. After that, a couple panic attacks drove me to cut more. But I stopped after the fifth try.

“I hate you!” Valerie screamed, staying in place. Her whole body trembled as she said those words. Her eyes widened as she scrunched her brows and nose. Manic began to screech throughout her body. Both fists clenched; her veins showed through. She was ready to run towards me, but she kept enough control of herself to stay at a distance.

“I have enough of you, staring at me like I’m some crazy psychopath!” she exploded. “I have enough of that from my family and classmates. Why should I get it from you, my older self? Why blame me? Do you really think I wanted this too?”

“No—I—”

“Stop! I don’t want to hear your voice!” Valerie grew more infuriated. Her legs spread apart as she leaned toward me when she yelled. “What excuse do you have? You hate me! I can see it in your face!”

“Valerie—”

“I don’t need you! I’m glad I died! I’m glad you died! I was a waste of space anyways! Right?!” she collapsed, dropping to her knees. Tears flooded her eyes, obscuring her vision. She sat down, letting the tears roll. “No one ever wanted me anyways. Not even Mom. That’s why she didn’t take me with her. I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t important enough for her. Whatever happened to her and Dad was probably my fault. I wished I had the chance to say goodbye.”

She began to sniffle, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. Head bent low, shoulders tensed and uncontrollable; this miserable child was helpless. The world was against her and she fought a battle alone. The weight crushed her, and no one was there to lift it up with her. This part of me—I had ignored for years. I had dodged the very thought of her, never trying to go back. Now, she was in front of me. I didn’t know what to do. The contempt melted away instantly. My opinions of Valerie changed. The clouded thoughts had finally had its sunlight, lifting the flower off the ground.

I felt sorry for her.

“Even you—abandoned—me,” she whispered between hiccups.

My heart began to ache; I regretted all the things I’ve said or thought about this child. All she really needed was someone to love her. I should be at the top of that list—the list of people who love her. There’s no use hating yourself when the damage has already been done. Mistakes happen; it’s what makes us human.

There was no need to worry anymore. I ran to her side, grasping her in a tight hug. My face began to burn, my throat strained and choked. “I don’t hate you. I just never realized that you—”

“—needed help?”

I nodded. “Yes. And love and forgiveness: you deserved everything. You deserve to be happy.”

“Me?” Valerie sniffled.

“Yes,” I whispered. “You never deserved my hate. No one ever hated you. You are such a sweet girl. I cherished you so much; you taught me a lot about myself.”

“But—”

“—You were just a scared little girl who needed help. You had no control over what happened to you. You were in trauma for such a long time for such a young lady like you. Every single negative thought that passed through your mind wasn’t true. Everyone cares about you. Everyone never thought of you as crazy. You just needed some attention and nurturing.”

“I’m sorry I am who I am,” Valerie apologized. “I didn’t mean to do all of those things.”

“I know you didn’t,” I consoled, hugging her tighter. “But on the flip side: you’re the bravest girl to have gone through all of that. Anyone in their right mind could have gone insane at some point. You’re such a strong girl for healing. For getting your sanity back. For moving on. You’re stronger than you think. You underestimated yourself.”

“So I’m a superhero now?”

“Yeah. And you’re the bravest, strongest, nicest and most powerful superhero I ever knew,” I smiled.

“I never meant to say all of those things, Irene,” Valerie confessed.

“And I never meant to have ignored you for so long. I’m sorry.”

Valerie smiled, leaning all her weight on me. “I never hated you. I just—”

“—needed your love.”

A/N: All right you guys. I was really nervous about this chapter. Was the emotion there? Did it catch you? Is there something lacking? Out of all the chapters, this is the part I'm really worried about. So any feedback would help tremendously. Thanks!