T.R.I.G.G.E.R

T.R.I.G.G.E.R - #5

For years I've been in a trance. At thirteen, I made myself stop feeling and I've been that way since.

I didn't let myself get hurt, didn't show my anger or frustration. Nothing could bring out all the dark things that I have inside of me. Because of how hard I fought it.

For the longest time, I've been able to keep myself composed and not let anything come out.

I've kept control for so long... So, why?

Why can't I continue to do that? Why is it that, all of sudden when these strangers invite themselves into my lives, it's even harder to push everything down? Why do I feel like this...

I feel...empty. Normally people would think that feeling empty would mean I don't feel anything at all, but no.

I literally feel my chest hollowing with every breath. That's feeling empty.

I don't feel numb, or detached. I feel like somebody just snatched a covering from my body. I feel vulnerable and exposed...

I don't like it. I hate it.

This feeling....it makes me aware of everything.

Every memory.

Every feeling.

Every thought. All of the nightmares. Everything.

I don't want this. I don't want to feel this...

"Hey, Red!" Tim's voice invaded my mind and I looked up to see him walking toward that table I sat at.

It was after lunch on Friday in the hall. Friday's are free days, which means we do what we want all day.

"Whoa. You look wrecked. Are you okay?" He asked.

I just nodded, nibbling on a cheese cracker.

Tim shrugged. "Hey, what's up with that couple? They seem to be pretty interested in you."

"I don't know." I sighed and put the crackers on the table, tired of forcing myself to eat them. "They keep saying their daughter needs a big sister, and that I should be it."

Tim's face split open with a wide smile. "That's great, Red! What the fuck are you still doing here?!"

I looked away from him and stuffed my hands in my pockets.

"I said, 'no'."

Silence.

And.....

"Are you out of your fucking mind, man?!" Tim was practically yelling with how loud he was. "A chance to get out of here, is a one time thing Red. I can only dream of being lucky enough to have someone get my ass out of here..."

I listened to Tim go on and on about getting out of this place, and what he'd do when he does.

But, nothing took my mind off of what I was feeling.

#####

Today is Saturday.

Two days after Daniel and Laila's last visit and I haven't seen them since.

Something has been eating at me. I don't know what it is, but I feel like it'll drive me crazy soon.

It's around three in the afternoon, and I'm at my usual table in the lounge staring blindly at the TV.

I've been so zoned out, that I couldn't repeat whatever's playing. All I see is people moving on a screen with no sound.

From the corner of my eye, I see a figure moving closer toward my table.