She Wanted to be Saved

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

It was one year today. The little bird still clasped around my neck reminding me of him everyday. Its taken me one year to do this to get the courage and strength and I have had help from my various sources.

I hadn't cut yet, which was a good thing but I did go though a stage for a month where I just would sit in bed and stare at a wall or out a widow, barely ate and I had nightmares which would awake me in the middle of night aswell as my mother who was woken up by my screaming and crying. I scared a lot of people many thinking I would fall back into old habits and try to commit again, but I knew deep down I couldn't betray Jackson like that, he wouldn't have wanted that for me and it was the only thing stopping me from killing myself, from ending the pain and total numbness I felt worse then before I had even met Jackson worst then the pain I had holding in when I went to jump of that bridge. I had felt numb, emotionless like a zombie or a person in a coma.

I could feel my body weaken as the days progressed from the lack of sleep and the little food that passed though my mouth, my past self would have been proud my weight had dropped dramatically. I knew that if I had kept losing anymore weight I would end up in a mental hospital but my mum fought against them saying that she would try first.

I didn't really pay attention to the moving world around me, I was just closed of in my own nutshell. I wouldn't even let my friends touch me because I only wanted Jackson to touch me but he wasn't coming back and it took me a long time to realise that even after the funeral. Not even Sophie could get through to me, my own best friend couldn't but she didn't give up and visited every day or every second day. I don't understand why she didn't give up. Talking to me was like talking to a statue, I didn't move or make an effort to reply to her comments or pleas for me to reply. She stormed out a few times yelling and screaming but I didn't blame her to be honest I would have gotten frustrated too.

The big thing that changed me was when Taylor came to visit me about a month after I had last seen him. He didn't exactly look too flash either dark grey shadows were carried under is deep chocolate brown bloodshot eyes in which evidence from the heavy drinking he had practiced the night before. His hair was a mess and it looked like he had chucked on the first thing he had seen. His clothes hung a little looser evidence that he had lost weight. Despite this he still looked attractive. I remember the exact details of my mothers weary, tired voice murmuring, "she's just in there, good luck."

Then shortly after instead of the expectant usual, flustered and desperate Sophie, Taylor walks in and stands awkwardly in my bedroom. I was sitting on a sofa chair surrounded by cushions and blankets which had been placed in my room for me to curl up on. He took a quick scope of my room before our eyes met, they looked sadder then I had remembered. I remembered seeing him around school before dazzling, sparkling orbs of a deep chocolate and a smile that any girl would want to wipe away with a passionate make-out session around the back of the toilet block but his eyes now looked empty, like looking through glass.

One side of his cracked lipped mouth tipped up to form a half smile, "hey Mel," his voice broke, "heard you're not doing so well."

I looked down at my hands staring at my slim fingers and bitten down nails, thinking that if I just ignored him then he would soon give up and leave but he didn't. He took a seat down on my bed without an invitation and I could feel his eyes searching my face and body for any sort of human reaction but I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Don't be like that," he exclaimed, "the least you could do is say hi."

I continued to ignore him hoping, wishing, pleading that he would just leave me alone.

He stood up and took a few steps so he was standing before me and kneeled down so he could get a better view of my face, "common Mel. This is stupid. Are you just gonna sit here and waste away? He wouldn't have wanted this. He would've wanted you to be happy, to try and move on Malory."