Senior Year

Chapter 3

Tyler's POV

After my small exchange with Josh, I could sense that I had overstepped my boundaries. I thought it would be best if I left him alone for a while, so he doesn't get the wrong idea. Even though, the wrong idea is definitely the correct idea.

Although Mark had been my main friend all throughout my first three years of college, I had made some other friends to hang out with. A few business majors, a couple artists, and then my fellow music majors. I couldn't pick a favorite group out of the three, they all had their ups and downs. But, right now, I'm feeling musical. A few of my buddies from my classes and I have this band thing, I guess you could call it. We aren't very good together, but we all have potential. Unfortunately, we've all realized that we just don't fit together very well. All very talented on our own, but when you put us together, it sounds like the physical representation of mediocre.

On my walk over to studio I pass basically the entire campus. There are beautiful, lush green quads for students to use. I often come out to the same spot on the quad every week, a little, slightly more secluded, area where I like to write. There's a tree on the farthest north corner that when you make it around the trunk, there is a right angle of bushes. The bushes signal the end of the quad and the beginning of the sidewalks that lead kids to their destinations. Or, for me, the bushes signal the end of peace and the beginning of chaos.

Eventually, I make it to the studio and text my "bandmates" that I'm here. I wait for a little before my phone dings and informs me that the other two parts of the band aren't coming today. Upset that I walked all the way over here just for them to cancel, I decide to not let the alone time in the studio go to waste.

I trudge my way into the soundproof recording room and look around for inspiration. With blank walls and no windows, the ideas don't flow quickly. I turn around for even the slightest trickle of inspiration to appear in my line of vision. My eyes are met with a drumset and suddenly my trickle of inspiration turns into a river.

I know where you stand, silent, in the trees. And that's where I am, silent, in the trees.

I can picture Josh coming to my writing spot. I can picture his face as he reads my lyrics. Suddenly a flood of pictures is blocking my mind from everything except him.

Why won't you speak? Where I happen to be. Silent, in the trees. Standing cowardly.

I think of how he won't open up to me. I hear the sting in his voice when he told me to leave him alone. I can hear everything I want to say to him, but I know that I can't.

I can feel your breath. I can feel my death. I want to know you. I want see. I want to say, "hello".

I have the sound of the song in my head. I know exactly what I want to say to him. Suddenly, I realize that I've been silent forever and need to keep singing. I pick up the lyrics where I left off. So many pictures flash before my eyes. There's pictures of him, pictures of drums, pictures of us, and my song playing in the background. Before I know it, I'm so frustrated about staying silent in the background, I'm screaming into the microphone.

I cut off my words suddenly and look around quickly, embarrassed for a split second. I realize that no one is here and go to play back my song. Listening through it, I can hear the emotion. I feel my words hit me right in the heart. The song still sounds empty, though. I decide to record the piano part. I add in arpeggios and some chord progressions, and listen back to it again. It still sounds empty. I glance at the clock and realize that I need to get back to my dorm soon, and I'm all the way across campus. Hurriedly, I transfer my track onto a flashdrive and jog over to the door. I take one last glance around the calm environment. My eyes lock on the drumset and I realize what's missing.

8/27/14 - I keep thinking about the song I recorded yesterday. Something is telling me not to share this one with the band. It's too special, too different, too sacred. Josh isn't any different than he has been for the past three days. He sits on his bed, pounds on his drums, and then goes back to sleep. That can't be healthy. I'm really worried about him, is that a bad thing?

I set my notebook back down on my bed and pick up the black flash drive that holds my most inner thoughts on it, within a three minute audio file. I twiddle it between my thumb and pointer finger, contemplating if I should go back and try to record another part for it. I decide that there's probably nothing more that I can do for it and toss it back onto my desk.

Just then, Josh walks back in from his class. I don't know what class, I don't even know what major he is. With all that has happened since he moved in, I haven't really had the time to make any small talk with him. He throws his backpack on the ground near one of his bedposts and collapses into his mass of blankets. This has been the cycle for days, and right now, I'm going to break it.

"Hey, Josh," I instantly realize that I should've planned more because when he turns his head to look at me I have no idea what to say, "um, how are you?" My voice trails off at the end and I think we both know that this is about to lead to a very awkward conversation.

"Well," Josh begins speaking and then bursts out laughing. His laugh is so cute and makes me laugh, even though his recent mental state isn't a laughing matter and is actually probably very unhealthy.

"Alright then," I decide to make a relatively risky move next, "do you want to play Mario Kart with me?" Now, this may not seem like a risky move. It's just that I know nothing about him, other than that he likes dudes, and he knows nothing about me.

"Yeah, actually," his seem to light up as he speaks, "I love that game."

For the next few hours, we each sit on our assigned beds and play Wii together. It's such a simple time with him sitting across from me, a common goal in mind. There is some playful banter and also some not-so-playful words that fly out of our mouths while we are immersed in the game. Occasionally, I would glance at him at the same time he glanced at me and our eyes would meet. I think those moments were my favorite moments of the entire day. Just seeing his eyes with light in them. When Dan stole that light from him, all I wanted to do was give it back.

Now, I finally have.