CHAOS, NIHILISM AND OTHER STUFF

Part 1

Author's Note :

Hi everyone !!!
This is a short story / monologue mixed with some random prose about a very universal issue we all face in our lives. Finding our place in the world as we go through life.

I aimed for the character to be genderless and raceless so that anyone who reads it can draw upon their own experiences and maybe find a little something of themselves in it . 😊 It is of course biased to the industry I work in as I drew on my own experience but it's entirely fictional!

It's not meant to have a final resolution because the character's life is still happening after the monologue ends. It's my first attempt at a Wattpad short story so I hope you enjoy it! 😆

Happy reading!

Alex 💖

Part 1

CHAOS

"When the present determines the future, but the approximate present does not approximately determine the future."

~Chaos Theory~

It's been a while since I've written in my diary or anything to help my mental state. To be honest , it's not that I haven't needed to, in fact I've had both ups and downs.. some days I'm ok and some days I feel like I want to give up on everything . People are just too difficult to deal with and I've just had enough. Everything is always a disappointment; let down by something or someone and I'm tired. I'm exhausted trying to please everyone and keep everyone happy all the time. It's taking it's toll on me and I don't know how to fix it. I can't be what everyone needs me to be and I need to be someone to everyone. How do I do that? Be true to myself but still be a good person?

Everyone says that my biggest character flaw is caring too much.... that I care about people too much to my own detriment. But how do I just shut that out? How do I think about myself and still be good? How do I help people without putting myself last? How? I don't even know what I truly want!

I know that I want to be happy. That I want to feel free and relaxed. But I need money for that and to have money I need to work...but I'm starting to get over work and I want to focus soley on my creative career.

My creativity is stifled. I haven't painted in God knows how long because I've been so time poor. More than that if I'm completely honest with myself. Time poor and creatively poor, my motivation is zero and just financially poor.

No. Scrap that last one.

Not financially poor.
I live way beyond my means, that's my truth. I spend like a millionaire but earn a middle class wage. The consumerist in me is always hungry. Always looming at the back of my mind for that feeling. That high you get when you're spending hundreds of dollars on shit. Some people feel guilty after splurging. I don't. I splurge and I feel high afterwards.
It's that sinister buzz around my head when I know I've just spent $400 or more on a single item. It creeps up my body like the feathery touch of a forbidden lover. I know it's wrong but I feel elated and my whole body feels tingly and warm as my eyes light up seeing the words "Transaction Approved". Clearly it's not healthy.

That's not even the biggest issue; THAT I can deal with. I've done it before ; saved money that is, I'm just impulsive. I splurge cos I feel like it. Not because I need anything in particular, just because.

But what of my overall health and happiness? How do I start to feel fulfilled and how do I start to feel that my life means something? Do I even matter to the people that I've dedicated so much of my life to? Years of my life unappreciated and run down. Is anything I'm doing even worth my time?

Yesterday a client was breathing down my throat because she was having a bad day and I ended up taking the brunt of her stress. Is this project going to go anywhere or is she wasting her time she asks me. Honestly ! Well yeah if everyone pulls their own weight things will happen but if they don't of course they won't . And also, how does she expect to get work without a portfolio or body of work to show potential bookers? It's illogical and I just don't want to deal with this sort of crap anymore. I'm tired and I'm just not feeling it anymore.

It's killing me.

Not physically but emotionally. I don't feel like myself anymore. I feel like every time I care about someone and work myself to death for them I get blamed for something ESPECIALLY when it's nothing to do with me and isn't my fault. I get attacked for other people's mistakes and flaws because I'm the first point of contact. Always. And I think....what's the point. Why do I keep caring for these people when they all just turn around and hurt me in the end either by letting me down and disappointing me, or just with being their cruel, selfish selves. They take advantage of me and I'm sick of it. I truly am sick and tired of being taken advantage of. Always.

I thought it would be different running my own business but it's the same shit only to a lesser degree. Except the stakes are much, much higher.

So what do I want ? What is my innermost desire? I thought it was running my own business but it's not. I thought it was being a manager and mentor, but its not, not truly. I thought it was to be a performer, it's there but not completely. And what about my art? My stories? I'm only using one of my talents! Even though I've lost my religion somewhat I still remember the stories from the Bible. The one where the Master gave his servants coins. I'm the one with the 3 talents.... what have I done with all my talents? I don't know.

I've hidden them, like the servant with the 3 talents and when I die God will ask me, what did you do with the talents I gave you? I...

What am I doing with my life? I DON'T KNOW. I just don't know.
At least with music I'm doing something, but I'm not disciplined enough to truly "make it" . I'm comforted in the fact that I still have time, but not much. I'm getting to the stage where I can be looked over for a younger hotter thing. Then what? What was the point of all those years of study? All that training, rehearsing? Money spent. Thousands of dollars for what?

The difference between those who make it and those who don't is not determination or hard work. It's selfishness. The ones who make it are self serving and go out and not worry about how their absence will affect everyone's lives, they are focused on one goal and they stop at nothing until they get it. They are stubborn, demanding and compulsive. They don't try, they do.
So what do I do?
Do.
Do it.