sad boys - phan

phil

hey guys, i got a computer of my own so lots of updates! i have been caught up in a lot lately:(( i just got bumped up on anxiety meds and my doctor saw my selfharm scars and was going to tell my mom but thank god she didn't. my birthday was yesterday and i got a macbook air, a new book, and money for clothes. just wanted to update u all.

(tw: panic attacks and self harming)

waking up was hard. since the incident with dan, phil had been even worse. he was rapped up in anxiety over everything going on in his life. it has been hard to say the least.

after dan and phil had there moment phil left and they havent talked since. was dan mad at him? was he ashamed of me? embarrassed to be seen with him? 

of course he was embarrassed by you, just look at you.

you really thought dan would like you? yeah right.

he wouldn't like someone who didn't like themselves.

phil couldn't control his legs as he felt him self being dragged to the bathroom, for the second time today. he just needed a release.

opening the cabinet he pulled out a small bag from behind his medicine from when he had a cold. he held it in his hand and sat on the bathroom floor, it was cold but he didn't mind the feeling. unzipping the bag, his fingers where uncontrollably shaking making the processes take much longer. 

he opened the bag and slowly took it out. he was doing this again. every time he did it he told himself he would stop but he never did. he was disappointed in himself. looking back at his life a year ago that month, his life was good. his mom was around and his dad didn't stop talking to him. he hated that phil was gay. he wanted a football player or a baseball player. instead he got a son that secretly liked flower crowns and skirts. phils mom always accepted him. she was proud of him no matter what. 

phil missed his mom so much.

at this point phil was silently sobbing, while finding it harder to breath. his breaths becoming shorter and his sobs getting more painful. his legs where starting to fall asleep from hyperventilating and heart was beating out of his chest. he felt like he was dying. 

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after ten minutes phil has calmed down more, but he was extremely anxious. now he knew he needed a release. phil took the blade out of his hand and that had now deeply cut his had from squeezing it, but that wasn't important. phil took the blade and sliced his wrists, 17 times. the day of the month his mom died. 

after he cleaned himself up and changed into a new white sweater he bought he decides he would paint his nails. phil wanted to dress in skirts and dresses and flower crowns, he just wasn't confident enough. so this was a big deal for him. he went to the nail salon down the street from him apartment and picked out a light pink shade and a glittery color for the ring finger. 

"hi, cou-uld i have a-a m-manicu-ure?" he asked nicely to the pretty girl in the front of the salon. "yes! its so nice to see men in here getting there nails done!" she smiled as she sat him down. phil just smiled at her and sat in his seat. his anxiety calming down knowing that they arent completely judging him. 

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phil walked out with a little smile on his face. he was over the moon. he loved his nails, he never wanted to take them off! he felt so pretty and feminine. finally looking away from him nails, phil walked into his normal coffee shop and ordered a ice-tea and sat in his tiny corner. looking out the window as the rain started to pour. he loved the rain, and luckily it rained a lot in london. phil spent most of that day reading his new book or looking at  his pretty nails, until the door opened and he saw a tall brunette, soaked and red cheeked. phil didnt want to talk to dan. he was nervous to. he didnt think he would have to confront him for at least a few days. 

"phil!" dan said loudly as he walked up to the little table that phil sat at. "hi d-dan".