Avoiding the truth || Dan and Phil

Familar feelings

Two weeks have passed since I made a deal, or an exception, with Phil to date him and only him for an entire month. The first couple of days went like any other date I usually have. We went out on that first night, I wanted to continue so I didn't break it off, we went on short coffee dates during lunch, hung out after school, I started to hear people talking about us, and usually by now I would have broken it off with him and moved on to someone else, but that's what's different. I know that I took Phil on that deal so I have no choice but to stay with him for the rest of the month, but instead of me feeling nothing like I usually do with others, I'm starting to develop feelings I haven't felt in a very long time. Instead of me just bluntly not caring about who I'm with, when I'm with Phil I want to get to know the quirkiness that lies in his bubbly personality. Instead of me just wanting the settle make out in the parking lots and closets at school like I usually do with my old dates, I also want to know more of who Phil is like what his interests and hobbies are, and what exciting things he can bring into my life. I don't understand how, but when I'm around him my stomach is constantly preforming somersaults, my hands are clammy and shaky, my heart beat is pounding to the point where I can almost hear it, and my face is all flustered with a huge smile printed across it. He can simply just smile at me and I start feeling this sense of happiness because he is the kind person that is very cute and yet very hot at the same time and when he smiles... I don't even know how to explain it.

The last time I felt this way was when I first started dating this guy I really liked named PJ back in year 7. PJ was actually the first person that made me realize that I am attracted to guys as well as girls, and he became my first sort of boyfriend. That is until he told me after the 6th day of us kind of dating, that he would never fall in love with someone because love is pointless to him. He told me that the only reason why he is dating me is because he felt bad on how big of a crush I had on him and that I shouldn't throw my life away to one person because I will end up getting hurt, and so to prove that he broke up with me by hooking up with one of his friends, which caused me to break down which gave hurt so badly and since then I have never cared or liked anyone the way I liked PJ in fear of getting hurt like that again. I followed his advice on not falling in love again and by doing that I started accepting dates and sleeping around with anyone who offered because how is it possible to be in love when you are consistently jumping around from person to person? I just kind of lost how to care for people and even stopped liking just because I didn't want what happened to me to repeat. Phil has officially became my longest date since PJ and I'm starting to realize that even though I want more from Phil, these feelings that are returning are reminding me so much of how PJ hurt me, and its causing me to feel trapped. I don't want to be in love. I don't want to care for someone who doesn't care for me back. I don't want to get myself into something that is almost impossible to get out of. I don't want to give everything I love to a person who will eventually break my heart. I don't want that, not again...

Maybe I'm just being silly. I could just be overthinking things and considering I know I can't date anyone until this month is over, it could be messing with my emotions and once this is done and I say goodbye to Phil, my feelings and life will go back to normal how I like it. I'm hoping so anyway.

As I head down the hallways in my school, I could feel eyes on me. Usually I wouldn't mind and I would almost praise it, but I know why they are looking at me. A lot of people have been noticing that Phil and I are spending time together longer then anyone else that I have dated and a lot of people are starting to assume that 'Phil has changed me', which is stupid. I walk pass these 2 girls who one of them I've been with before. I sigh as I know she is one of the girls who actually liked me and wanted more in the relationship then one date, hooking up, and then broken up within 2 days. I did hurt her and I know she's been salty about it ever since. She approaches and stops me.