~Short Entries like a diary~

~Me~

(Me and Gizmo together when I first got him on Christmas) ❤️❤️❤️
I thought I should just open myself to you...I never really told people this but at this point it happened so long ago and the past defines me so why don't I share that.
It started out with me living with my mom and my step dad. My mom and my dad didn't work out and got divorced. Well I lived with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. It hurt me inside because I didn't know much about my dad because I was young when they split apart. Well my mom married a drunk and abusive person Terry, his name still haunts me. He wasn't the nicest person, he drank beer everyday and was really cranky. Well one day me and Dominik (my brother) did something he didn't like I don't know what because it was something really stupid that's all I know. Well he hit both me and Dominik with his belt, he also would hit me. He came up to me one day and pinned me up to the wall and said "I hate you! It's your fault we had to go to court for your dad! I hope you kill yourself." That would always go inside my head every day. Don't get me wrong my mom is amazing we had everything we could ever want in life. I had a dirt bike, a dog named Gizmo, bunnies, a nice TV, a nice room. I was spoiled. Well my mom didn't know about any of this with Terry, he did this to me when she was at work. Mom never believed me, I remember to this day long ago I was is in the car. We were at Terry's friends house and it was  at night and it was raining really badly, well something happened to the car and they stepped out arguing. They came back in the car and the first thing Terry did was grab my moms throat. I was young at first I didn't understand then I got older and I knew he choked her(or tried to). She said she couldn't leave him, well later on they bought a house. It was nice and had a lot of land so we could drive our dirt bikes. Well then they figured out the guy who sold them the house didn't really own the house and just wanted to take our money. They had to go to court and get it all fixed. That night after court Terry went out of control and went to the guys house and took a crow bar and broke in their house beat the old man who tried to sell us the house and tried to take the money and he also hit his wife. At the time we were at our dads house for the weekend. Then that's when Terry had to go to jail and serve there and serve on a ankle brace where they can track where ever he went. After that my dad tried his to win us, he spent as much money as he could and he finally won us. We now saw our mom every other weekend. Then that's when they sold our dirt bikes for money and everything we owned. Gizmo my dog lived with them I wanted him and to this day I wish I still took him. Sense Terry worked on cars there were crap everywhere, well Gizmo got into something and drank oil. My mom said she couldn't take care of him when she had two other dogs with her. She lied to me and said Gizmo was home sick when he was really gone with someone else. I cry to this day because I could of saved him and took him away from that horrible place. Terry still blamed us about the court thing and us leaving them. It was hard because we left our two other brothers Elden and Gordie, I loved them so much and they are really smart for their age. My dad told us we are never going over there unless Terry isn't there. Well it never worked out my mom said we are not doing that, and now I can't see her. I haven't saw her in like two years. I lost my dog, I lost my dream of being a dirt bike rider, and my brothers are over there with that horrible person! Terry treats them better because they are his kids we were his step kids. Well ever sense that happened it changed me, I became clingy and desperate for good attention. I got negative attention most of the time, I cling to someone so they can fill that hole in my heart that my mom left. I know that no matter what I do it will always be there. She texts me like once a week and it's like a 5 minute talk. She bought my brothers dirt bikes and all of the stuff we had. They have tablets and everything and Elden is like 6 and Gordie is like 4, I don't really know because I haven't saw them in so long and haven't heard about them that much (I know it's sad). My life has been different, I am clingy and ask for attention a lot. Mostly from guys so thanks to that people call me a slut and a whore. When really I prefer guys over girls because most girls create drama. I have changed I was a sweet, calm, and not clingy. I loved being alone in my room when I lived with my mom, now I text and talk to as much people that I can just for attention. It's bad I know, I can't stand being alone. I have so much issues with relationships because all the guys can't handle how much attention I need. Right now I have a boyfriend and I feel like I am ruining everything and I feel like he is going to leave me one day. He tries really hard and of coarse it's never enough for me, I feel like I don't deserve anyone at this point. I try to change but I clearly can't. So I guess I will try harder to change or end up being single and have no one. I feel like that's what I deserve and I feel like I don't deserve anything. This horrible childhood I had ruined me, and it changed me into someone that I wish I wasn't. You learn though that sometimes things happen for a reason good or not. So maybe it was meant to be this way or I let this darkness change me. I am a coward, his name still haunts me and he still is in my nightmares screaming "Kill yourself!" I let this define me, and I wish I didn't. So anyone out there don't let this stuff effect you! You are an amazing person! Crap like this makes you stronger as a person but I let this make me weak and vulnerable. Don't let it do the same to you! You are strong and you can get through any of your issues! Now I have to pay for what I did and listen to the mean comments and people calling me a "desperate bitch" or a "whore" and please don't feel sorry for me! I deserve this pain and I am not making this so you do feel sorry I made this to make others feel that they are not alone and that they can over come the darkness but I was one of the people that let it define me and control me so please don't do the same! Fight and don't give up! You are special believe me! You are! Don't let your horrible past affect you, you can over come it!