Dear Belle

Stormy Weather

Belle

I feel pale, like i've slowly faded. My colour, my personality, my being, once vibrant, is now dull. I feel like the person i was, like a supermarket flower, dyed to perfection. Vibrant, lively, lovely... for the time being. Fake, sick, artificial.

Temporary.

When i felt like i wasn't good enough i would change, dye myself. There is a quote that talks about everything being temporary and living in the moment. But every moment is the same. Everything seems like one long blur, a routine.

I want to be a wildflower, i want to be the rare batch of daisies you stumble upon during a Sunday morning stroll.  I want to be rare enough, different enough, lovely enough...

for them to stop and stare.

I look up from my notebook and stare through the window in the corner crook of the cafe where i'm awkwardly curled up against the colourful pillows and cushions, wrapped in the blanket i had brought out.  The rain is absolutely bucketing down, coating the pavements and roads in a thick reflective rainbow shine. It knocks hard against the window as if begging to be let inside, away from the eye of the storm. I had the heater on and the constant steam from the kettle that is always switched on, kept the atmosphere at an inhabitable temperature apart from my hands being cold, though that was normal these days.

Today was a bad day.

We had to shut down the cafe for the day because Del's grandad was in hospital. She'd gotten the call as I was unlocking the door this morning. She sounded so lost, and my heart broke in two. Out of the three of us, Delilah was the strongest, always being the wise old owl offering philosphical mumblings throughout the day and rays of sunshine with every smile. It wasn't like her to sound so broken and it scared me, then again her grandad had pretty much raised her so it was understandable. I offered to come and be there but she said she'd be okay.

"Call me the moment you need me" i told her. A shaky laugh came through from the other end of the line.

"I'm fine kitten, but i will if i do, okay?" she replied tiredly.

I wasn't completely convinced but i knew better than to press the issue. Del was strong, i knew that. She'd dealt with more than her fair share of things, but i still couldn't help worrying. Noticing my silence Del laughed,

"Stop worrying" she said whispering my thoughts out loud.

"Am i that obvious?" i sighed.

"No, but i know you" she answered simply.

I yawned, my eyes tired from the sleepless nights catching up with me. My mind was a muddled mess, thoughts swirling around and around, giving me a headache and making my eyes hurt.  I put down my notebook and pen beside me and pulled the blanket around me, curling up closer into my cosy corner, letting myself be soothed by the drops of rain racing down the glass. Sometimes rainy days were what you needed when the storm raging outside matched the one going on inside you.