Dear Belle

Last Summer

The summer before

Belle

The sun was just coming up for the morning, the sky bleeding pinks and oranges and fading into a murky purple hue into the usual blue that covered the sky. I sat sleepily on the concrete steps outside the front of the house, the daises shooting up in straggly rows poking gingerly out of the measly dirt framing the house. My legs tumbled out from the top step that I sat hunched on, my back curving somewhat awkwardly against the door frame so that it wouldn’t dig into my spine and make me uncomfortable. My hair was up in a rough attempt at a bun with curls rolling down here and there, falling out messily, my fringe loosely framing my faces with more curls. My oversized white t shirt I had worn to bed last night hung loosely on my frame as my arms poked out and cradled my cup of tea between both of my hands, sending shivers of warmth up my frozen fingertips and warming my palms.

The love affair that the sun had been having with my skin during my endless amounts of time outside had caused my skin to darken to a deep brown, tanning every inch of me. During winter my skin lost all its tan and I always forgot how dark I could get. I’d lost a lot of weight recently, and I felt lighter, thinner and more beautiful but I wasn’t anything special, I knew that. My eyes were rimmed with tiredness, dark blue and deep purple staining the skin underneath. My cheeks were hollow, bones standing out gallantly, and my lips were pale and sore from constantly biting them when I got nervous. My hands and fingers that had become thin and bony were always cold.

There was already a breeze blowing the old weeping willow trees and making them dance. Weeping willows were my favourite tree and they were the best sort to have secret picnics under and to just sit or lay and read all day, with the way the leaves fell all the way down gently caressing the grass winding its way up to meet the swaying vines in a soft affectionate passing. This soft encounter acting like a wall, shielding any wandering or curious eyes and wrapping you up in the peaceful beauty and illusion of being miles and miles away from everything. But loneliness always tinged the fine edges, leaving an ache and leaving me wishing there was someone to just be a presence, a company, a friend who understood my need for silence when things were too loud.

I sighed, bringing myself out of my daydreaming thoughts. My now empty cup was nestled in between the space between my thighs – a recent perk of my sudden weight loss – and I was unknowingly fingering my collarbones reassuringly, something I had only just started subconsciously doing. I let my head fall against the door frame as I looked out into the vast green that was the farm. Grass carpeting the fields, weeping willow lining the edges by the path that led to the beach nearby, and daisies, sunflowers and all sorts of multi-coloured wildflowers making dots of colour appear like a paint splattered canvas. It was beautiful. But…

Don’t start my internal voice warned.

I sighed again and rubbed my tired eyes as I felt tears forming in the corners and I felt the ache rise up in my chest again. The voices were getting louder and louder and they hurt more and more. I couldn’t even explain that it wasn’t as simple as just not thinking or-

I let my train of thought trail off into nothing. Once again everything inside me was twisting and knotting up, and I could feel the ropes that kept me barely tied together, tightening and wrapping up and down the length of my bones.

I had given up.

I was so tired and exhausted; sleep was nothing but a memory that liked to walk around showing off in the early morning hours and late at night when everyone else was completely consumed by it.

I was over the constant hurt and the pain, the way that people scared me, how I was terrified to be seen by others because I didn’t want anyone to see the horrid mess that I was. On the outside and the inside, I just kept pushing everyone further away, scared that they’d eventually see me the way I see myself.

I heard the distant rumble of an engine and slowly opened my tired eyes as my body somehow seemed to crumple further into itself. I felt like I was moments from seeing every piece of me break off and fly away. I wished I could just evaporate, becoming nothing but a beautiful arrangement of atoms and stars adorning the night sky, or the salty ocean breaking and crashing against the shoreline over and over, a constant motion of gorgeous chaos pulling you in and pushing you out again.

The door of a jeep shut and I heard the crunch of the grass telling me that someone was coming.

“Hey” Ellie said softly, dressed in her grey sweats and loose black shirt, looking at me with concern laced in her golden green orbs. I gave her a small smile and affection made my eyes water as she sat down next to me with her doona, wrapping it over us and linking our arms through one another’s.

“What’s up?” I asked innocently.

She gave me an “are you serious?” look at said,

“I knew you wouldn’t be asleep and it’s been ages since we had a sleepover”. Ellie grinned at me cheekily and I laughed.

“But it’s already morning” I chuckled.

“And? We have all day to do nothing but laugh and hang out in our pyjamas and drink tea and well whatever the hell else you feel like doing!” she exclaimed excitedly punching the air and waving her hands about to emphasize her words.

I just laughed again and nudged her shoulder with mine, looking at my best friend who just sat smugly beside me.

Meoooooooow

“And here comes Moo” I stated as the white and ginger cat sauntered his way over and curled up in Ellie’s lap.

“Does that cat come everywhere with you?” I asked teasingly.

“Of course!” Ellie replied seriously.

“Now come on, it’s tea time” she singsonged as she pulled me up so she could get through my door and into the house. I followed her shaking my head, the ache settling into my bones and fading away for the moment.