Dear Belle

you are my sunshine

“You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away”

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

“It’s okay, you’re okay” I murmured, tears falling quietly down my face. I held her hand so tightly, I was afraid that she was going to disappear any second. I was completely and utterly terrified.

I sighed heavily and leant back in the chair I had been occupying for the last 24 hours. It wasn’t very comfortable, but then again what piece of hospital furniture ever is? I looked up at the roof hoping that the tears would somehow go back into my eyes and not spill. I was so tired.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

I looked back over at Dakota’s sleeping form. She was surrounded by tubes and wires, snaking in and out of her, here there and everywhere. She was so pale, and lifeless. Her eyes were swollen and red, dark purple bruises scattered on her cheeks. My eyes trailed up and down, not believing that she was safe yet.

Well of course she’s not! the voice in my head said.

My breathing hitched as I remembered the bandages that held my best friend together. Weaving up the length of her arms and her stomach, her thighs. There were massive band aid bandage looking things covering the base of her neck. Images flashed in my mind as I remembered how I found her, lying lifelessly in her bath, blood pooling and filling it. It stained her skin, just oozing from all the cuts. The knife just out of her reach as her arm limply hung over the side of the bath. There was so much blood. Dakota’s blood.

You weren’t there for her, the voice in my head said again and again.

Tears began to fall once again and the ache swamped my chest and made my head thump. I pulled my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, hugging them to myself as I gasped and choked and sobbed. It was like someone was stabbing me all over, sharp and quick, but at the same time I was numb.

YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE HER ALONE?! ITS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU’RE A TERRIBLE FRIEND! YOU DIDN’T STOP IT FROM HAPPENING! YOU DIDN’T STOP HER FROM HURTING HERSELF! SHE ALMOST DIED! The voices inside my head screamed and screamed at me. I hunched further into myself as far as I could, making myself as small as possible.

“IM SORRY!” I yelled painfully to the unconscious being lying on the hospital bed in front of me.

“OH GOD IM SO SORRY!” I cried out, tears pouring out quicker by the second, the pain in my heart consuming me completely. I was rocking back and forth, curled in the foetal position on the hospital chair, screaming at the top of my lungs for my best friend who had tried to kill herself, who I tried so hard to keep safe and make happy.

I tried so hard to do everything for you, I needed you. I couldn’t lose you.

I cried for the sleepless nights wondering whether she’d still be here in the morning. For the days I got messages telling me she was admitted to hospital because she’d overdosed again and burnt another layer of her precious stomach. It was so hard, so flippin hard. So many emotions flooded me, drowning me. I was consumed by so much pain, of trying to keep a hold of something I loved and not let it wither away and die.

Beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-

The awful monotonous beeping screeched and my head snapped up, instantly knocking me out of my breakdown. Everything stopped.

NO I CAN’T LET HER DIE.

I was scared to death, I was shrieking and screaming mindlessly at the machine, at Dakota who was dying in front of my eyes. I ran over to her bedside and pressed the button for the nurse. Immediately a swarm of nurses and doctors invaded the small room and created a wall around Dakota.

“NO LET ME SEE HER! I CANT LOSE HER, NO NO!” I yelled and fought my way to save her. Arms wound around my waist and brought me crashing into someone’s hard chest as I thrashed and wriggled around ferociously trying to break free.

“Belle it’s okay I’m here” a soft voice spoke against my ear. My body went slump as Noah spoke reassuringly and somehow moved me out of the filled room and into the corridor. He held onto me tightly, as if I would shatter completely if he let go, and I think I would have if he did. I grasped fist fulls of his shirt and cried my heart out into his chest. I punched him repeatedly and screamed. I was such a mess. His hold on me only tightened even more, as his arms wrapped around my waist supporting me, keeping me upright and together even though every part of me was cracking off and falling away.

And then he started to sing, soft as anything,

“You are my sunshine

My only sunshine

You make me happy

When skies are grey

You’ll never know dear

How much I love you

Please don’t take

My sunshine away”

“The other night dear

As I was sleeping

I dreamt I held you in my arms

But when I woke dear

I was mistaken

So I hold my head and I cry”

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep

“It’s okay she’s stabilised now” a faint voice echoed in the darkness of my mind.

“Thank heavens” a worried female voice answered.

Female, female, fema-

“DAKOTA!”

 I screamed, sitting upright. Jolting pain sparked from my hand and arm as I did so. I looked worriedly around what was slowly forming into a hospital room.

“NOAH TAKE ME TO SEE DAKOTA, I CAN’T LOSE HER! Noah-” my voice faded out into a whimper as I slumped over and began crying and mumbling, my hands fumbling everywhere in panicked search.

“Shh it’s okay love” the female voice hushed soothingly, my hands grasping someone else’s. I looked up into Ava’s eyes. Worry etched in her face as she wrapped her arms around me and rocked me back and forth as she sat cradling me on the hospital  bed i was in.

“It was just a nightmare Kitten” she whispered, soft as a feather.

“nightmare” I echoed absently.

“Dakota’s safe, it’s okay. Noah’s safe too. It’s okay, it’s all going to be okay” she repeated softly, again and again. I was so tired and exhausted. The pain in my hand and arms were still stinging from when I jumped up and yanked on the IV wires. My eyes fell closed as I drifted off into a tearful sleep, rocked back and forth in a tight, warm embrace.

“I need you Noah” I whispered, as sleep enveloped me.