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fourty-two

"she died after giving birth to me. i only have one picture of her because the rest my dad burned. he felt as if it was my fault and i believe him. if they would've never had me maybe she'll still be here."

"it's not your fault." freya reassured me but guilt still held inside me.

"he would beat me until i was blue then make me stay home from school the next day so no one could see but my teachers knew."

"no one helped you?" freya says stunned.

"my dad was well known. no one messed with him, it was just something you didn't do." i shrug like it was no big deal.

my eyes traveled to a dark spot in the corner and i relieved the day that i finally had enough.

"i was sixteen when he finally beat me so hard that i went unconscious for a couple minutes. to him that was an accomplishment but to me, that was my last straw." i gulped as i continued. "at the time i was really cool with landon, he helped me out a lot and all i had to do was run errands and sell some things. so that's what i did. after that night, i went back to landon's and he offered me a deal.."

i trail off then look into freya's eyes. her lips held a slight pout but i can tell she wanted to hear more but i couldn't continue until i hear her promise me again.

"say it again." my voice crack as a tear drops out of my right eye.

"i promise i won't hate you." freya small voice whispered to me. i turn my head back to the dark spot and put my hand on my forehead then she leans down and kisses my bicep.

"he asked me if i wanted him to handle him. i knew exactly what that meant and at first i was hesitant. i hated him but did i really want to see him... anyways, after he offered me to stay with him i said yes. i said yes, i said yes because i was sixteen and tired and now my father's death is in my hands. i might as well had put the bullet in his head myself."

by now i had streams of tears falling from my eyes and my body shaking.

"i put a hit out on my own father and now i killed both of my parents. now i have nothing left. i'm a monster freya, i don't deserve you or anything else. i smuggled drugs for thugs and did them too after that day, i put my own life in the dumps. i don't deserve you."

freya face was in shock but she quickly recovered. shaking her head and rubbing my arm. she stands up then crutches down in front of me. grabbing my face and wiping my tears with her thumbs as best she could.

"you were young and you were hurting. you-you were confused and abused. y-you did what you thought was right at the time. atleast you know it was wrong now, that's a great start."

"why are you so accepting?"

"because i think i love you and i'm not giving up on you now."