Calories (joshler)

Chapter three - medication

Lots of warning in this chapter for things like self-harm and suicide/suicidal thoughts, just a heads up.

Josh's POV:

Why am I like this? My brain is constantly in overdrive, I'm thinking too much and thinking is painful because I know what I am thinking is true. My mind is screaming worthless.

Tyler left a while ago, he said he had to... I can't remember, it doesn't matter. He's gone. Maybe he got tired, tired of me, tired of my problems (tired of my weight). Wait, no, I don't have any problems, I'm fine, perfectly fine, fine. Regardless, he must have given up on me. I can tell. I can tell that he sees me as broken, unfixable? No, just broken (I am unfixable).

I just want it to stop. I need it to stop, to kill the pain, so much painpainpain. Hunger pains, emotional pain, guilt, oh so much guilt. What to do, what to do what to do. Self-harm. No, nope, no. I promised I wouldn't. When did I promise? I don't remember... Maybe I didn't...

Before I know it I'm in the bathroom rooting through the cupboards and shelves, but all I find are pills, so many pills. 100 paracetamol, 16 ibuprofen, 60 sleeping pills. Over the counter stuff, not helpful at all. I don't want to go to sleep, I don't have any physical pain I need to cure... Or maybe I do. I do want to sleep, I want to sleep forever. Wouldn't that be peaceful, very peaceful...

But Tyler would miss me... Would he? He wouldn't. I swallow one, two, three, four, five, six... What were those, I should pay more attention. Should I? Never mind.

20. I just want to sleep for a while.

47. I feel woozy. And cold and ill.

58. Too many. Toomanytoomanytoomany. I'm hyperventilating, crying, it hurts, it hurts it hurts.

78. Tired... Too... What was it again? Exhausted.

82. Pain.

100. Have I passed out? Am I dead yet? Was this a mistake?

No. Which question was I answering again? It doesn't matter.

359 words.

sorry about the quick escalation in pain and drama