When It Rains | Taekook

chapter 1

I'm walking in the pouring rain. My hair and clothes are drenched but I don't mind it. I love to walk when it's raining. I find it peaceful, as I look down at my ruined Converse. No one is outside because of the weather.

I walk around the streets near my apartment pointlessly. I should be at home, studying for college, but my thoughts wouldn't let me, so I came outside to have a break.

I miss him.

Everything I think about, everything I do, everything I see. It all somehow revolves around him. No matter which way I choose, it always leads to him. It's been like this for almost ten months.

I left him. I gave up on our friendship because I had enough. I stopped trying. I let both of us down.

"I'm a terrible friend." I look up to the sky. It's not only me who's crying this time. Again.

Maybe it's just the rain, that reminds me of the day it all ended. The same weather, the same pain, just with so much more loneliness. The whole mood is gloomy and sad.

I'm not always like this. Sometimes I don't feel anything. Sometimes it doesn't hurt. But then it begins again and my heart literally aches from all the sadness. Like, I literally feel actual physical pain in my chest.

I shake my head, deciding that I had enough of these thoughts. I make my way home, instead.

☆

I have a room mate that I share the small apartment with. His name is Jin. He's a cool guy. We're getting on good but we barely talk. I don't even know if he's at home right now. Not that I care about it anyways.

I kick off my shoes, lock myself in the bathroom, take off all of my clothes and hop in the shower. I close my eyes as I let the hot water wash away the reality with all my feelings. Of course, it doesn't help much. Although it makes my body warm, my soul stays cold as ice.

I step out of the bath tub, take a tower to wrap around my waist and make my way to my bedroom.

I lay on my back, still kind of wet and just blankly stare at the ceiling.

It's been like that ever since January. I don't see the point of doing anything productive, because it doesn't worth it anyway. What's the point of living when you're empty on the inside? You can pretend you're happy, but why? No one cares.

No one cares about the self-pitying poor boy, who caused trouble for himself. That's right. I did it. Even though I'm trying to blame it on him, it was still me.

I ended this friendship and now I'm suffering because of it.

I'm so pathetic.

If I knew that it would be even worse without him, I would have never let him go.

I met him online. We both happened to live in Korea. He was so nice and funny and caring. I bet he still is. With others, who haven't get out of his life without a single word, like a real dickhead that I am.

We talked a lot everyday. I didn't even notice how close we got in less than a month, which is such a big thing for me, since I'm so introverted. I don't know why but he was an exception. I trusted him. I told him everything about me, I always told him if I had any problems and visa versa. I always tried to help him if there was something wrong.

We thought we had so many problems. He told me he was in love with someone he could never have as his girlfriend. It was a singer. I stopped myself from telling him how stupid that idea is and that he could get anyone else because he's so handsome. I didn't want to break him even more.

We grew closer and closer and somehow I started to feel something more. I felt attached to him and it scared me a lot. I'm not gay. I've never had a boyfriend and I've never been attracted by any boy ever.

But then he came along and suddenly everything changed. I didn't care if we were both boys, gender didn't even matter for me at that point. I fell in love with his personality and the way he looked. He looked so flawless for me.

One day, I had enough of keeping my feelings locked, so I told him how I felt. Of course, he refused it, telling me we should stay friends because although he doesn't feel the same way, he didn't want to lose me.

I immediately agreed, because I was also afraid of losing such an amazing person because of my reckless confession. I didn't know how to react even though I expected this to happen. If I'm being honest, I didn't even think about any other ways that it could have ended. I felt like I was such a stupid person for telling him that I liked him way more than just a friend.

Maybe that's where it all went wrong. Maybe. I'm not sure. Maybe there was something else. We managed to get through it and act like nothing ever happened, even though my heart's scattered pieces would always cut into me whenever we talked. It was a constant reminder that just because we're best friends, he'll eventually find someone that he'll accept and be in a relationship with.

Either way, our friendship got ruined somehow. We fought every single day over things that I can't even remember now.

We cried, a lot. Because of each other. It got to a point where I ignored his messages for a month and then I couldn't take it. I missed him so much.

We started to talk again, but the sadness filled my heart completely as we talked. It's like he had a sad aura around him. Like a bomb that could explode at any second. I hated it. I hated that I couldn't talk to him like at the beginning.

That bomb never exploded, though. It didn't have a chance to, because two days after we started over, I blocked him.

I blocked him on every site he could find me. I wanted the sadness to stay away from me. But when I realized that him and the sadness wasn't exactly the same thing, it was too late.

   ☆    

Kookie is emo bc I'm emo as well

#swag 

okay but seriously, srry for all this sadness

(sadness rulez, team tumblr)

k i'm done

R U READY FOR SOME THROWBACK IN THE NEXT FEW CHAPTAHS?

now i'm just being offensive

k bye

dóri x