When It Rains | Taekook

chapter 12

Taetae: koooookie

Taetae: help me

Taetae: i can't solve this math problem

Taetae attached a picture

I groaned, pretending to not be at home yet. Lately, I've been doing that a lot. He seemed to be perfectly fine, not noticing my suffering. I gave up everything. My happiness, my mental health, my free time just to see him smile and he didn't have the slightest clue about it. And somehow it started to annoy me.

Tae im doing my own hw

Taetae: but can you help afterwards?:c

no

Taetae: aww someone's grumpy

fuck off

Taetae: ok what's your problem again

again?

really, Tae?

Taetae: i'm getting really tired

Taetae: why do you have to do this every time?

oh, i see

sorry for being sad

really

next time i'll make sure to hide it well

hope you'll be happy then

Taetae: okay, talk to me when you're calm

Taetae: i'm sick of arguing all the time

Taetae: about nothing

you attached a picture

here's your "nothing"

I clicked send with shaky hands. I didn't want to let him know. I never wanted to show him how much it hurt, or how big affect it had on me. But I couldn't help it. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted our fights to come to an end because my heart's shattered pieces were screaming for peace and it slowly made me go insane.

I left no time for him to reply, I immediately blocked him everywhere we could speak and let my tears fall from my eyes, rolling down my cheek, only to drop onto the screen of my phone.

I lost my best friend.

I don't know what took over me in that moment, maybe I was scared that he would think I'm crazy. Maybe I didn't want him to call me up to comfort me. I could literally hear the disappointed voice of his after seeing the finished project of me trying to destroy myself. And I couldn't imagine anything worse than that.

☆

The rush of adrenalin through my veins only slowed down after a few hours of crying, screaming, sobbing into my pillow during all night. I slowly calmed down, but I still didn't feel the sleepiness at all when I sat up on my bed, only to see the sun rising. My mind was blank, like a new canvas, waiting to be painted on, to be splattered with a new mix of colors. A brand new beginning after all the darkness I've been put through because of my own stupidity.

I got up from my bed, gently rubbing my eyes that were sore from crying so much. I walked over to the bathroom to face probably the worst side of me. I hated it. My whole body looked weak, eyes red and puffy, face is even paler than usual. You could clearly tell that I wasn't alright, at all. I was no where near okay and seeing my reflection didn't even surprise me. I looked almost as shitty as I felt at that moment.

☆

It had been two days only. I already unblocked him. I couldn't take all the suffering from feeling like being kept in a cage. I felt like I've put walls up around me to protect me from him, but I wasn't sure if it shouldn't be the other way around. I must have caused him a lot more damage. Finally telling him what my problem was, but never talking to him again.

He must have noticed that I changed my mind, but he didn't send me any message after that. I was waiting for the reply that I never got.

I was concerned about him, still. I still loved him, so much. It was pathetic. I needed to know if he was still alive. Finally, my old fanboy account on twitter became handy.

I logged in, and searched up his username.

A reliefed sigh left my lips as I saw his tweet from a few minutes before.

You're alive.

My happiness almost made me tear up, even though I had no idea what to do next now that I had no one to talk to. No one to call my friend. I shrugged my shoulders.

I'll just go bury myself in home works and extra work to fix my grades. They've dropped a lot since Taehyung came into my life. At least he'll be okay.

☆

As time went on, I successfully convinced myself that it'll be the best for both of us to stay like this. I didn't have the guts to write to him anyways. I didn't even want to. I didn't want to open up those painful wounds, to remind him of us and pathetically crawl back after realizing I need him more than anything.

I gotta learn how to keep my thoughts away from him. I need to learn how to live without depending on him. I need to move on with my life, because he probably did the same thing. I'll be okay if he's alive and happy. That's all I ask for. That's all that matters for me.

☆

kinda rushed, isn't it?