When It Rains | Taekook

chapter 10

It had been almost a whole month since that conversation happened between the two of us. I didn't dare to check my messages. I was afraid. What if he wrote something? What if he just told me to get lost, because he's fine without me anyways?

I was scared of that thought because it was the truth. At least I told it to myself so many times until I convinced myself that I knew it for certain. 

To say I missed him is an understatement. I spent that month wishing for him to finally call me or something. To tell me he isn't mad, and we should make it up because he misses me as well. I secretly wished for this every day. And to be completely honest, I'm still waiting for that to happen, although deep down in my heart I know this is never going to happen. 

My mood got worse day by day, constantly swinging between sadness or just being emotionless, absolutely lifeless. The motivation to do any of my hobbies, to get up and live, to at least force a fake smile on my face while being at school was fading quickly. Within no time, I found myself questioning whether I should continue this continuous series of me getting hurt, which some people define as "life" or should I finally give it up and end all of my suffering once and for all.

At this point, I couldn't give a single shit about Taehyung liking me back or not, I just needed my best friend. And I needed him desperately.

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A month and a half has passed. I skipped most meals, only ate something when I was at home, so my parents wouldn't worry. I became numb. I refused to talk to anyone. 

Unfortunately, I found something that amused me enough to make that my new hobby. The feeling of pain as the cold blade slices my skin open slowly became an addiction to me. That one night wasn't any different from the past few ones. 

I was lying on my bed, my left hand rested on my stomach, while my other hand was hanging off the bed as I waited for the bleeding to stop. I couldn't be bothered to check what time it was, I already got used to staying up until 4 am or so.

A heavy sigh left my dry lips. I was staring at my ceiling in the darkness of my room. It was somehow comforting yet the fact that I was alone still bothered me a lot. I've always been that kind of person who tends to overthink everything, especially when they're left alone with their thoughts and no one tries to  distract them or tell them they're wrong. 

Even though I was quiet, my mind was a mess. Questions about Taehyung, about us were flooding in my head with no stop. I hoped he was doing okay. I hoped he wasn't as sad I was. I hoped he'd forget about me and just live his life happily.

The urge to close my eyes and finally get some rest was nowhere near to feel so I decided to check if anything happened on social media. I took my phone from my night stand and unlocked it. The first thing that caught my attention was the time. It was 3:25.

The second thing made my heart beat 10 times faster. Someone sent me a message. There was a high chance for it to be the person that I've been waiting for. And I was right.

He sent me a long dialogue about half an hour before. I silently cured myself for always leaving my  phone on silent. I hesitatingly tapped on the notification to reveal the whole text.

I haven't even began reading when my eyes were already filled with tears, ready to stain my cheeks. My hands were shaking as I took a deep breath and carefully look at each word he had typed.

Taetae♥: i won't be surprised if you decide to never talk to me again nor read this and don't reply. i understand. but whether you open this message or not, i want to tell you this. i miss you. you have no idea how much i've been missing you since we stopped talking. i'm also really worried bout your well-being. i hope you didn't do anything stupid. i'm sorry for rejecting you. i've tried to force myself to love you the same way you love me, but i just couldn't do it. i really am sorry. but i still don't want to lose our friendship, ever. no matter what i've said earlier, i love you too much to let anything tear us apart. well, at least if it depends on me. i don't know about you. i can only hope that you feel the same way about me and about our friendship. you know a lot of people have left me during the time i've been on twitter and in "irl" as well. but no one ever made me feel this terrible when they left. i don't want you to leave me. i thought i could just forget you and move on like it never happened, but i can't! i need you in my life. and i know it sounds selfish, but you are my best friend. and i wouldn't know what to do if you were gone forever. i apologise for acting stupid and hurting you so many times. i promise i'll work on that no matter what it takes, to be a better friend for you. well, if you ever want to be my friend again. i love you, kookie. please take care of yourself

The tears made it hard for me to read his words over and over again, until I could understand that it was in fact the reality and not just some twisted dream.

I took a look at his status. He was still online. I gulped down the lump in my throat before I began to type my reply really fast.

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sorry for not updating last week, life just got in the way

but now i'm back again with more emo stuffs

yayyy