When It Rains | Taekook

chapter 13

Epilogue

Getting up from his bed, he slowly dresses up in something comfortable and sits down to his messy desk, that was covered by books, essays and empty instant ramen cups. He grabs a notebook that's different from all the others. It's smaller and has a little locker on it, already unlocked. He hits up the last page that's full of messily written words and turns a page.

It's been almost four goddamn years since I last talked to him. I miss him so much, but this sadness is rarely so intense. I hope he's doing fine. - scribbled Jungkook sadly into his diary.

Whenever he thinks about their ruined friendship, sadness, regret and a somehow bitter feeling fills his heart. Forty-five months. That's how much time since he's been getting these waves of depression. Ever since the time when it all stopped, there wasn't a single day when Jungkook wasn't aching, thinking about all of their memories.

I remember everything. Okay, well maybe not every single detail, but a lot of things. For example, when we first talked. And that weird video he sent me when we started to speak regularly.

When we were up until midnight on a school day, just because we finally could talk. When we got into a fight and sent voice messages to each other to hear to other's voice and we talked until everything was alright. We still ended up crying, because of all the cheesy things we said.

We cared for each other. Our friendship meant a lot for both of us. I still can't figure out which was that point when it all went wrong, where did we fucked up so bad that we ended up like this?

Maybe we had too many things in common. Like how stubborn we both were - and still are, I guess. We could argue for hours over the smallest things, and tease each other, because he didn't spelled "yes" correctly.

Maybe we were too young. Too young for all of those horrible thing we've been put through.

Maybe it was the wrong time or place. I don't know. I think I'll never ever know what was the cause of this.

A loud sigh escapes his lips as he places the pen on the table to take a sip from his coffee which - by the time he wrote all of those things down - got almost as cold as his heart.

These thoughts aren't bothering him every single day, but when they do, they tear up that wound stronger than before, and he bleeds more and more each time.

He can't cry anymore. He doesn't even have to. The sky is crying instead. Since Jungkook sat down to pour his feelings into words, it hasn't stopped raining outside.

He doesn't mind it. He loves the sound of the rain, the smell of it, and of course, the dark, quiet mood everyone gets in whenever this weather arrives. After placing his cup down, he just sits there, watching as the raindrops run down on the window. He can't help but think of him. The rain always reminded him of that day. Does he likes this weather as well?

He doesn't like thunderstorms. He always got scared of the lightnings, but I never asked him why. To me, it's more relaxing than anything, not to mention how beautiful it looks.

He had a lot of weird things, like that but I didn't mind it at all. I accepted him the way he was, and he did the same thing. But still... It got ruined somehow.

The arguments became more and more common and intense. At the end, we couldn't go a day without fighting over something stupid.

I still remember how bad I felt afterwards, and I'd like to think he felt the same way as well. I remember how much I stressed over this, and how sad I always felt. The times I cried and hurt myself because of things that I already forgot because they don't even matter anymore.

He suddenly drops his pen after this sentence. All of hid memories comes back and hit him like a huge brick wall. He isn't able to control his feelings anymore. His vision becomes blurry as the tears start to roll down his cheeks.

There's a big lump in his throat, which doesn't allow him to eat or drink anything at the moment.

Now Jungkook can see all the mistakes they made back then. He realizes how naive they were with their promises and threw such big words as "never" and "forever" like they knew what it actually means.

He knows it's too late. It's happened, he can't go back anymore, he waited for way too long. He has to live with this thought for the rest of his life. Time will cure your wounds - said a lot of people.

How much more time does he needs to finally move on? How long does he have to wait until he can forget it all? How long will these painful memories tear his soul up piece by piece? When will he be able to stop himself from falling deep into depressed thoughts until no one can help him? When will it finally disappear?

Dear Taehyung!

If you're reading this, I want you to know that I'd give everything just to be able to talk to you for one last time. I want to tell you all of those things, that I couldn't. I know, it wasn't fair, I know it's all my fault. I guess you're either mad at me or already moved on. Either way, I understand your feelings, and you have every right to ignore me for the rest of our lives. It took me long enough, but I finally see things clear, I realized how wrong of a decision it was to end out friendship and give up on us. It wasn't even me, though. But I don't want to blame it on other people. I miss you like crazy. Honestly. I thought about calling you for thousands of times, but trust me, I have a really good reason why I never did it. I'm afraid of hurting you again. I'm afraid if it won't work out and we end up like we did last time. I don't want it to happen. I don't want to put you through all of this again, just because I'm a selfish child, who can't let you go. I hope you understand. I'm sorry I broke all of my promises. But I still want to let you know that if you ever feel like you have no one to talk to, or like the whole world is against you, you can text me or call me or anything you want to. I'll be there. Anyways, I hope you understand. And I hope you didn't stuck in the past, like I did and stopped thinking about me. I still think of you when it rains.

Love you,
Kookie...

His shaking hand lets go of the pen and reaches for the letter he just finished. He carefully folds it and takes an envelope to put the paper inside and closes it. He takes her pen again, labeling his letter. He still remembers the address.

When he's done, he stands up from the table and walks to the bookshelf. He has to stand on his tiptoes to reach the highest shelf. He quickly slides the letter besides the other ones, takes a few steps back and takes a look at all of the letters he had written over the past almost four years but never had the guts to actually send them to him.

Another sigh leaving Jungkook's mouth.

"That shelf will be completely filled soon..."