Aftershock (Sequel to Yes I Am- A Demi Lovato Fanfiction)

Chapter 12

My hand slowed as it strummed the final chord, my voice carrying through the otherwise silent room, fading out with the last note. Looking down at the ground, I found my own tears, still dripping down my nose and onto the floor. The room remained silent. No applause. I looked out from the small stage I was on to find it empty. For a few minutes I just sat, gathering in the room and my thoughts, before getting up and making my way into the adjoining dressing room. The warm air made a stark contrast to the cool of the stage. I set my guitar down on the desk and sat on the floor by the doorway, looking out at the stage and pulled my hair out of the ponytail I’d hastily put it up in exiting Marissa’s apartment. The stage was my safe haven. My fingers braided down the side of my head methodically while I hummed a mindless tune to myself. I wondered what the lighting cues and dance moves would be for the song I’d just finished. But then the sinking, heavy depression of my situation weighed in and I began to think that maybe this one was too personal to sing live. I closed my eyes tightly in an attempt to hold the tears back. I knew that if I’d tried to speak, my voice would have been too shaky to be comprehensible. I took a shaky breath, clenching my hands into fists, digging my nails into my skin in an attempt to ease the pain. My whole frame was shaking now, I tried to hold my mouth shut to stop the sobs from escaping but it failed. I buried my head in my hands and sat there for what felt like hours, wallowing in self-loathing.

“Hey hon.” Came a voice from behind me, I turned to see Alexis walking towards me, arms outstretched. I said nothing and just looked at the ground, embarrassed that she was seeing me like this. She sat down beside me and put her arm around my shoulder, letting me rest against her. “Don’t be embarrassed babe. Everyone goes through shit in their lives at some point. Getting torn up is a part of that.” She wiped the tears from under my eyes and moved so we were facing each other. “Remember when we first met? I was so embarrassed about crying in front of you. But that was all part of me dealing with the shit I was going through.”

“Yeah, but you were homeless and your parents threw you out and shit. I’m just a bad wife.” I sighed, looking away from her. It felt unfamiliar, this whole thing of Alexis comforting me. For so long it had been the other way around, she’d been like my younger sister.

“No. You are not a bad wife, you did not bring this on yourself. This is by no means your fault and you don’t deserve for this to be happening to you. You aren’t defined by him Demi, you are worth so much more than him.” She said, gripping my shoulders and forcing me to look up at her. I didn’t believe anything she was saying, she was just trying to make me feel better. “I know what you’re doing now,” she said slowly, “you’re in the middle of thinking that this is all your fault and I’m just saying this to make you feel better. And you know how I know that Dem? Because I used to think exactly the same thing when you’d tell me my parents kicking me out for being gay wasn’t my fault.” I watched as she swallowed, holding it together for my sake. I remembered all the times she’d cried about it, all the nights spent holding her as she fell apart. Doing for her what had never really been done for me. “You don’t love him, you never did. But someone out there is waiting for you. And they are going to treat you so much better than Wilmer ever did, Demi. Please give them the chance to do that? Let Elli have her mom. You can get through this.”

“No-one else is going to want me now though. I’m damaged goods and I have a kid.” I shut my eyes so I didn’t have to see the world I hated so much.

“Anyone who doesn’t want to love you is bat-shit crazy Dem. Amelie loved you, I love you, Marissa loves you, Elli loves you, your family loves you, we all love you. And maybe none of that is romantic love but that will all come along in good time. This is your life Demi, and you just have to go with it.” She stopped talking and pulled me into her chest, holding me so carefully.