WHITE NOISE

CHAPTER 10

I know what it would be like if I ever get to talk to him, I know it would be just like talking to a child. You know how it is when you talk to a child, you know you do not have to read between the lines when talking to a child, they are brutally honest, or if they are shy, you can see it they way they talk, the way they stand, the way the don't meet your eyes, and the way they try to run away from you. You know they mean no harm and you almost always know whats on their mind. Brandon had a face that gave out his heart, yet I had not spoken to him.

Apparently the people who have tried to come close to me never had this child alive in them, they always wanted me around, and for some reason I was the one who was expected to need them which I never did. Last night I had a similar brittle feeling in my body, as if I was hollow inside, and I would break with a mere turn in my sleep. My limbs, hands and fingers felt as though there was nothing inside them. And for the first time in my life I felt that the feeling that grew in my heart for Brandon was nothing like what I had told Troy.

He would always tag along Matt to our house and would always linger in his room, I had always seen him at my foster parents house ever since I had first came to their home. At first I had thought that Troy was my foster brother as well, but later I had found that he just was Matt's friend whether or not Matt treated him like one. He would always have dinner at our house and would always be at Matt's side in all his stinking businesses. I had come to think of him as my brother until that one day when I was late for school.

I had hurried through the alleys that led to my school, taking a shortcut from the bus-stop to the school in the heavy rain with my dark pink raincoat and an umbrella. Despite being covered so my face was drenched and my hair had got wet. And although I knew that my books were saved from the rain, my clothes were all wet underneath the raincoat. I was quite aware that someone was in the narrow path of the alley as I hurried along my way. Although it was raining heavily some of the office-goers and students were seen running on the main street. I just had to cross two alleys now to reach my school, when all of a sudden someone jumped in front of me. I had not peeked at that person from my umbrella, as the rain would hit me directly on my face if I tilted the umbrella to my back.

"Can I carry your bag Maya??" was how I knew that it was Troy.

I knew I had nothing to fear from him, however a shiver crept up my spine, this was exactly the kind of feeling I sometimes had when I was alone with Matt. Sometimes when I would be deeply immersed in my books all alone in the basement or on the porch I would sometimes feel the hair on my neck stand up to a strange sensation, as though someone was looking at me. I would wait for sometime for the feeling to go away, but when it wouldn't budge I would peek up from my books and see Matt looking at me from a corner almost always hidden in a dark shadow.

Troy was harmless. It was not like he could physically harm me, but it was more than the physical harm that my subconscious receptors sensed which emitted from his subconsciousness.

"Troy"...It was more to myself than acknowledging his presence. I looked up at his face, avoiding looking into his eyes. I could feel he was trying to bend down trying to look at my face, into my eyes, but my face was safely hidden under the umbrella and the rain-coat.

"I'm heading the same way, I can carry your bag", he said. This time I raised my umbrella slowly to look at his face clearly. I saw his slightly curved lips first that showed no irritation at standing in the heavy rain, then his nose, the edge of his nose dripped droplets of water and only then did I realise that he was standing in the rain with only a hood of his jacket over his head. I had not seen his eyes yet, but before that I raised my umbrella a little more so that I could raise it over his head to save him from the water.

His eyes went wide a little as he had not expected a kind gesture from me, But the smile tugged his lips further went the realization sunk in to him. He looked down for a brief moment before he grabbed my bag from my shoulder and tugged it towards him and put it on his shoulder instead. He was a foot taller than me so I had to raise my umbrella a lot higher and he had to stoop down a little to come really close to me under it.

He showed no intention of getting away from my side, so I started walking towards the school again, with him trailing very closely behind me. I could feel the hair at side of my neck hum with sensation as though I was watched, yet I could not do anything about it. I was aware that I could not get away from this situation unless I reach the school.

Out of nowhere I felt my hand that held the handle being wrapped with another warm and wet hand, it was as though I was stopped with a jolt and my step faltered. I regained my balance in a breathe and looked at Troy with cold eyes. He stopped as well, and looked at me deep into my eyes. He did not loosen his grip on my hand, and a smile lingered on his lips. My mind went blank and I had no idea what I was suppose to do in a situation like this, I did not know what this action meant, yet I did not pull my hand away from his grip. Now when I look back at it, I think I did wrong, somehow my not doing anything actually spoke a lot for me. Troy gripped my hand a little tighter as though bathing in some kind of relief that I had not pulled back my hand.

I had never spoken to Troy, Now when I think of that rainy day, I think I had said more with my silence than I would had ever spoken with my words. And the worst part is, I had never meant to say the things that he read in my silence.

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