here

1.0

*listens to twice whilst editing * hmm fits the theme

—

yamaguchi felt awful.

it felt like school time all over again — and school had not been easy for him. being targeted by bullies and constantly living with the fear of being forgotten and ignored had severe effects on him physically. an ache in his stomach, a sore throat and the constant threat of tears were only some factors to deal with.

he had worked hard to break free from that since his first year of high school, where he stood up against tsukishima for the first time. it had taken him years to become himself, his own person, and it was all crumbling down again after one simple conversation with his boyfriend.

he couldn't bring himself to believe oikawa, even though he loved him and knew deep down that he was telling the truth. he wanted to cry, but he couldn't without oikawa noticing, and he was pretty sure he'd blow up if oikawa got involved with his inferiority complex.

he was scared, anxious and sad. he wanted a hug, from tsukishima — he wanted oikawa to convince him he was more than just a shadow. words did nothing for yamaguchi anymore after his years of life experience.

he wanted to go back. sometimes it was better to function as a shadow — nobody worried about your problems and nobody prompted you to explain them. he was scared of the unknown that lay before him in the relationship. he was scared that it would end up badly — that oikawa was lying, at least partially.

he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. no. not now. he didn't want to cry and scream and reveal his weaknesses. he didn't want oikawa to see the pathetic side of him that he hated so much himself.

instead, he returned to bottling up his feelings and turning his back to his boyfriend, doing his best to cry as softly as he could in to the pillow until he fell asleep.

—

bottling up wasn't healthy at all.

the feeling in his gut was so prominent that hunger disappeared whenever he saw something that reminded him of oikawa — which was pretty easy, since they lived in the same apartment, and nearly everything around him belonged to the other brunet.

so he went out for a walk.

he picked his phone out of his pocket and dialed a number quickly.

"hello?"

yamaguchi's stomach twisted. "hi, matsukawa. is tsukki there?"

"yeah, he's right next to me. babe, it's the best friend." matsukawa held the phone up, and he could hear some incoherent words being exchanged, before tsukishima's familiar voice appeared.

"yamaguchi?"

"hi tsukki," he said weakly, sitting down on a park bench. "what's up?"

"nothing much", tsukishima shrugged, "just hanging out with an idiot." an offended scoff could be heard in the background.

"oh, yeah," yamaguchi said silently.

of course, matsukawa was his new roommate — and probably his new best friend.

"what's wrong?" tsukishima asked. yamaguchi's breath hitched. he still sensed it.

"tooru and i had a fight," he admitted defeatedly. "about..."

"about what?" tsukishima prompted.

"about you," yamaguchi mumbled, "about me and you and why i live with him."

"was i right?"

"no. he says he does love me and wants to live with me because of us. but he also said it's because of you not liking him." he bit his lip. "i'm scared that he doesn't see me as, well, me."

"i told you he's a dick."

"he's not! he's just... i don't know. i don't know anymore."

"break up with him."

"i won't do that."

"so why are you calling me?"

"look, i miss you, okay?" the brunet sighed. "a lot. you did a lot for me. and there are certain dynamics i wish we still had."

tsukishima remained silent for a moment. "yamaguchi, what do you want from me?"

"i... i might want to switch back." he whispered.

"what does oikawa say?"

"he doesn't suspect a thing."

"yamaguchi, no offense, but i'm good with matsukawa right now," tsukishima said slowly. "i want him to stay here longer. he helps me a lot." he sighed deeply. "i still want to be your best friend, but this works better. the chores, the planning, my health... it just clicks. and i'd like to see for how long."

he choked back a sob. "what if that's forever?"

"then i guess you'll need your own place."

yamaguchi hung up.

~

"what was that all about?" matsukawa asked, eating popcorn next to him.

"i think his anxiety's hitting again."

"geez, you sure are an asshole to people with anxiety, my god."

tsukishima frowned. "i was just honest."

"babe, have a little tact. if it is anxiety, all he wants to hear is 'come over, i care about you, it's okay, it's not your fault' — something like that. not 'i like someone else more now'."

"i don't like feeding people false hope."

"so you break them instead?"

"he has oikawa to pick up the pieces, since they're so crazy about each other."

"please. oikawa doesn't recreate. he'll take those pieces and form the person he wants." matsukawa sighed. "he's not a bad guy — but he's manipulative, even unconsciously. it's not good to break around him. he'll be caring, sure, but he can be dangerous."

"he was the one who fell for him."

"they both don't know each other's stories." matsukawa looked at him. "love doesn't involve only two people. it involves so many more. it involves you and i moving in together, it involves people to talk to and seek advice from, it involves family to live with them. you can't expect him to do it on his own — especially if he's fragile."

"how do you know so much?"

"books. movies. my own share of break-ups from hell," matsukawa sighed. "i want to do it better next time."

tsukishima glanced at the door. "when's next time gonna be?"

matsukawa glanced at him. "when do you want it to be?"

tsukishima shrugged. "soon."

matsukawa smiled, taking another bite of popcorn, handing the bowl to him. "then i'll make it that."

"matsukawa?"

"hmm?"

"do it right this time, will you?"

"yes sir."