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2.7

"yamaguchi..?"

"i'm sorry to bother you, but i'm freaking out and i don't know where to go or what to do or—"

"hey, don't worry, please come in," sugawara replied, opening the door, "it's a surprise, but i don't mind." yamaguchi took a deep breath as he stepped inside, shivering due to the cold temperatures and lack of a coat. his mind didn't register the cold, though — he was too frazzled to sense things as mundane as temperature. his hair was slightly damp due to starting showers.

"thank you," he said. he felt badly for visiting without warning, but then he hadn't had a warning himself, had he? iwaizumi had intruded just like that, and that was seemingly acceptable.

he felt tears build up again.

"pardon the intrusion," he mumbled softly as he took off his shoes, sugawara setting out a pair of slippers for him. he gratefully put them on, following him inside.

"was tsukishima not home?" he asked him curiously, yamaguchi vaguely registering that he was making tea.

"i didn't try," he sighed, "he's not been the most accepting of sorts lately. i don't want to bother him. but then, i am bothering you..."

"it's okay," he chuckled as he opened a cupboard, "tea? it's green."

"no thanks." if he even tried to stomach anything, he was sure he'd puke. he hadn't yet. he preferred to keep it that way.

"anything else? i'm fixing curry, i could add a portion."

"i'm good."

"excuse me for continuing, then."

soft rain tapped against sugawara's windows, and yamaguchi silently thanked the fact that he'd managed to escape that storm, at the very least. he could hear the sounds of oil frying something as sugawara was stirring in the pot next to it. his rice cooker looked like it was still working. it smelled like a home, not like a university student's apartment.

"so, i take it something went wrong?" sugawara asked, one hand on his hip as he turned the fish around in the oil, a bandana holding his hair out of his face.

"everything went wrong," he whispered quietly, "i'm not sure what to think."

"would you enlighten me?" he asked as he reached over for a paper towel, taking out two bowls after.

"iwaizumi's in town."

sugawara frowned as he turned around to face yamaguchi, confusion written all over his face. "you mean seijou iwaizumi? as in that number four that oikawa used to be with?"

"yeah," he mumbled, "he tried to get oikawa to go back to him."

"what did he say?" the silver-haired boy continued to question as he opened the rice cooker and scooped out two generous portions.

"he wants to be alone."

"for a moment, or..?"

"i honestly don't know," he said miserably, "and i don't what to expect. if... if he loves me any more than he loves him, it should've been an easy choice. and it wasn't."

"well, it is a serious proposition. iwaizumi is his entire past. they've always been together. do you ever long for your relationship with tsukishima? to go back to how it used to be?"

"well, i mean, sometimes, when i think it would be easier..."

"exactly. you two've had a rocky road and he probably also regards iwaizumi as the easy way out," sugawara replies, setting a bowl in front of him, with steaming rice, curry and fried fish that yamaguchi was yet to identify.

"sugawara..."

"you need to eat, trust me. your sugar level's probably low and you need your daily nutrition. you'll feel better. trust me." he smiled softly as he handed him a pair of chopsticks. "say your itadakimasu and go for it."

"itadakimasu," he whispered, hands clasped together before taking a bite. his eyes widened slightly, glancing up at sugawara. "that's delicious." sugawara winked, sticking out a piece sign proudly, "the power of a mom."

"y-you heard that?!"

"oh please, they called me mom when i was a first year," he chuckled, "you can't hide anything from me." yamaguchi blushed slightly, taking a bite of the fish instead of responding.

"itadakimasu," he whispered, "anyway," sugawara continued as he started to eat, "the thing you have to ask yourself is what you want. you're not the type to fight very quickly, and i'm worried you're going to beat yourself up over this. so ask yourself what you want personally."

"i just..." he started, voice quieting, "i don't know. i just don't want to be left behind again."

"is that because of pride? or because you want him?"

"of course i want him. of course i don't want to be dumped again because i'm not good enough. i'm scared i just have no chance in life." he sighed deeply. "even with the person i had a strong bond with, i wasn't... attractive enough, to actually keep around. to parade around, to appreciate. i thought i finally had a shot at being with someone who was willing to, you know..."

"what makes you think you're not appreciated?"

"what would ever make me think i am?"

"yamaguchi, that's bullshit. you're a fighter. you're an amazing person." he set his chopsticks down. "remember that third year match?"

"the finals?"

"yeah."

"of course i did. we lost because of me," yamaguchi muttered, averting his eyes, "i couldn't bring us to nationals. it was my fault."

"and you were the one to tell everyone to stand proud after that game," sugawara reminded him, "even though you were hurting the most, you moved everyone forwards and kept the morale going. you were the foundation. you didn't shine like hinata or kageyama; you were holding them up. nobody blames you because you missed that serve."

yamaguchi burst into tears, sobbing loudly, hands on the sides of his head, letting his hair fall in front of his face. sugawara jumped up, startled by the outburst, and walled over to him, pulling him in for a hug.

"what's the matter?" he asked softly.

"i don't blame him," he cried, "i hate myself. i'm not special. i'm boring and stupid and useless." he cried into sugawara's shoulder, clinging onto his shirt as he shivered. "i freak out over nothing and i'm too weak to fight back. i'm awful. i'm a disgusting hypocrite."

"yamaguchi..."

"i am. i am i am i am."

sugawara just let him cry.