I Could Never Leave Your Bed (Mike Fuentes)

Chapter 10

“I don’t know what to do Mike.” I was hysterically pacing at the foot of my bed, and he was looking at me like he was scared for me. I felt a pain start to wash over my chest and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I was hyperventilating and my head was so dizzy I fell to the ground. Mike was quick at coming to my side and holding me.

“Sammy, please calm down, please.” The worried tone in his voice only made things worse for me.

“Mike, he wants me to go with him, I don’t know if I can do that, not after having to live with her, not after he left us.” I was talking too fast and breathing was even harder now. “He wants to get to know me though, and I feel like I should go, but I don’t want to leave.”

“Sammy.” Mike’s voice was serious and when I looked into his eyes I saw fear, of what I don’t know, but I didn’t get the chance to ask him because his lips crashed down on mine, making my breathing stop altogether. It was like he set a fire inside me that spread to every corner of my body, and when he broke away I found that I could breathe again.

I couldn’t help but to stare at him wide eyed. It was no secret that I was in love with Mike, everybody could see that, and there were days where I wondered if he felt the same way but I knew he couldn’t. I was nowhere near what he looked for in a girl, and he looked at me like a sister, a little sister. Or so I thought.

“Why d-did you do that?” I found myself stuttering and he let out a small chuckle as his hands cupped my cheeks. He kissed me again, and I could feel that fire again, it only lasted a second but it left me dizzy.

“Because I wanted to,” he chuckled again and I found myself getting lost in his eyes, those deep brown eyes that I had always wished would look at me the way they were right now. “and I want you to stay. Fuck him, Sammy. He had the chance to be a father and he fucked it up. I’m not going to let you go, I’m not going to throw away this chance. I’m in love with you Sammy.”

I was going to be sick. I needed to get out of this bus. The memories were coming back, and it had taken so long for me to keep them away, to keep them from lingering in my thoughts but now they were coming back with a vengeance. I pulled on Mike’s clothes, even though they made me feel nauseated, and ran off the bus without a second thought. Thankfully one of the things Mike had lent me was an oversized hoodie which I used to cover my face as I ran to the familiar Sleeping with Sirens bus.

 I was thankful that no one was on the bus and I made my way to my bunk where I pulled out my makeup bag. I cringed when I opened my compact and found that nearly half my face was tinted with a gross combination of black, purple and blue. It could have been worse I reminded myself as I quickly covered up the bruise. It was weird how good I was at it now. How easily the discoloration disappeared under my quick hands and makeup I had just for this.

The next thing I did was start changing out of Mike’s clothes. They smelled like him, and at this point I couldn’t handle that. I quickly pulled on a pair of jeans I had thrown into my bunk and started taking off the sweater when I heard a gasp behind me. Instantly I pulled the sweater back down and turned to find Jack staring at me in disbelief with my camera in his hands. I could feel my eyes start to water because I never wanted Jack to find out about this. Not the abuse. Now that he saw the bruises and scratches he wasn’t going to let me just brush this aside. Jack would look past a lot of things but not this.

“Jack,” my voice cracked as I said his name, and he had a mix of disgust, fear, and anger written across his face. I found myself licking my lips and trying to get rid of the lump that had formed in my throat. “I see you have my camera.” It was the only thing I could think of, because I had to explanation to give.

He was in shock, and I took advantage of that. Gingerly, I took the camera from him and pushed past him, off of the bus. I only got so far before he started screaming my name and the tears started to fall. I tried hard to blink them back but every time Jack would scream my name it was harder and harder to keep calm.

“Sam,” his voice was so close now; I knew he was only a couple inches behind me. “Please stop.” He grabbed my arm trying to pull me back, but the memories were still too fresh. They had been trying to get free all morning, and I found myself reacting violently as I flinched away.

It was weird the way I knew what the crash was before I saw it. That crash broke what was left of the dam that was keeping those memories back, but they all came crashing through as each of them started coming into focus.

“Promise me you’ll stay,” I told him, and he gave me a heartbreaking smile.

“I could never leave you.”

“You’re so fucking stupid,” she spat at me, as she held onto me by my hair. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and I couldn’t seem to look away from her bloodshot eyes that held nothing but hate. “Do you honestly think anyone is going to love you?” with one simple movement she threw me against the wall, and the pain spread almost instantly but I bit my lip to silence the cry of pain. “If your mother can’t love a whore like you do you think anyone else could?”

It hurts. The bruises he left. His arm that’s constraining me to him, that won’t let me leave, it’s pushing on all the bruises. Even in his sleep he manages to hurt me. I want to scream, to leave, but all I can do is stare at the mirror in front of me. All I see is the evidence of last night. The person I’m staring at isn’t me. There are too many bruises, too much blood on that face to be mine, but she has those same grey eyes. I want to leave, but if I leave who else is going to love me? He told me he loved me, that he was hurting me because he loved me. No one is going to love me.

I couldn’t stop the shouting in my head. All the vile words that were thrown at me, all the memories I had tried to keep at the back of my mind were here all mixing together.

I realized that I was on the floor. Jack kept shouting my name, and I swear I heard someone else in the background, he was holding on to my hands, trying to keep me from hurting myself. In between us, that’s where it laid. It was shattered into a million pieces but there was no mistaking it.

“Sammy,” his voice was so weak now, and I looked up to see that he himself looked so much older than he did the day before. He looked weaker too. He wasn’t the strong and young father I had come to this town with. He was a different man entirely. “I want you to keep the camera.” His hand gave mine the faintest of squeezes and I realized that this was probably going to be my last moment with him. I couldn’t keep the tears in, and silently they rolled down my cheeks, a mirror of what he was doing too. “I want you to use it whenever you feel alone, scared, anxious, anything. I want you to use it and when you do, I want you to know that you are loved. I love you, Sammy.”

As quickly as it started, it stopped. I recognized the feeling that was invading my body. That wild spark that spread like wildfire. I didn’t even realize I was kissing him back, not until I found myself needing air. He pulled away and we were both gasping for air, but I found that I could breathe now, that I could think clearly now.

“I told you to stop doing that.” Mike’s brown eyes held me captive, and for a second I almost stopped breathing again, but the fear in his eyes kept my lungs pumping. It was then that I decided that Mike was deadlier than any other drug in the world.