I Could Never Leave Your Bed (Mike Fuentes)

Chapter 17

You know, I thought I would be broken after being with Mike for so long and having things end the way they did, but I’m not. I spent these past couple weeks touching my healing cheek, feeling the slight sting from the sudden contact to remind myself that it all really did happen, and this is the only pain that would come out of it. It’s not that I don’t miss Mike, because I do, I miss him so much that it hurts sometimes, but it’s not unbearable anymore, it’s not that same pain in my chest anymore, because now it’s no longer a betrayal to myself to miss him, it’s natural. I left everything out on the line, I told him everything that I needed to say, and I finally got an apology. Do I forgive him? No, but those few months on tour with him, having him there, I was able to fix myself more than I had done in the past years without him. It wasn’t Mike fixing me though, but he was able to help me, and I won’t lie and say that he didn’t become my best friend again, that I didn’t fall in love with him all over again, because I did, but this time it wasn’t this idealized version of him. I wasn’t naïve, I didn’t ignore all his flaws, I saw them this time, I reminded myself that they were there every day and I still fell for him regardless of how ugly he could be. That’s why it’s natural for me to miss him, because I got to see him for who he was, I fell so hard for him, and I let him go, and it was the final thing I needed to do to fix myself, fix who I used to be.

Sure, I still get those dreams where it’s just us, Mike and me, being stupid and doing stupid things together and just laughing, and it hurts having those memories, but I’m okay now. I’m living a healthy life now, and I never thought I would have Mike to thank for that, even after everything he’s done to me, because truthfully I’ve put that behind me, I’ll forget but I won’t forgive, and that’s all I’ve ever had to do. It took so long for me to realize that all I had to was let go, my father always told me that that was the key but it was always easier said than done. I never wanted to face Mike again, because I knew I would eventually fall for him again; I had always known my feelings for him would never match my feelings for anyone else, it was that impossible to love anyone else. I didn’t want to feel the same pain again, but by not letting go, it was eating me alive every day and pain was my only friend. Now, I’m happy, I still miss him, I still think about him, but I’m happy, and I’m healthy.

I hear the door knock and I let out a sigh, because I thought he was done checking up on me, I thought Jack was done trying to catch me too broken too even eat, or worse dead. I’ve let him in though, entertained the thought  that he was there to help me,  but in reality I didn’t need him, and I still felt that sting whenever I saw him, the sting of his words. I know I have to forgive him, because he was my best friend and they were drunken words, but it’s going to take time.

The door knocks again and this time it’s more frantic. Letting out a groan I get up from bed and yell “I’m coming okay? I’m not dead or passed out on the floor. Honestly, I’m o-“ I feel the air leave my body as I stare at the person in front of me, and he looks like hell.

“Well that’s good to know,” he tries to make light of the situation, but I can’t help but to stare and wonder what happened to him to make him look like this. The bags under his eyes, his unkept hair, that is usually better looking than mine, and that smile that would always grace his face is gone and replaced with a sad smile. “I’m glad that you’re okay.” He says and I can see a twinge of happiness flash his eyes before it disappears again.

“Vic,” it’s so hard to even say his name, because looking at him know, I can’t believe this is him. “What the hell happened?” but I know the answer to that already, because the way he’s looking at me, like he’s happy for me but he doesn’t want to be the one to ruin it, it has everything to do with Mike.

“I need your help, Sammy.” He says and there is a crack in his voice that hit me hard in chest, and makes me incredibly angry at Mike, because whatever he is doing is affecting Vic, it’s hurting him, and Vic doesn’t deserve this. “I didn’t want to ask you, but you’re my last resort. I got plane tickets for us to go back to San Diego right away. I understand if you don’t want to see Mike, but I’m asking you for me. I can’t handle it anymore, and I don’t know what else to do, you were the only one who could ever get any sense into him, please Sammy, I need you.”

“Let’s go.” I say while nodding, because Vic is right. Mike is too stubborn to listen to anyone, even Vic, and I’ve known Mike well enough to know how to stop him from being an idiot. If he won’t listen to anyone, he’ll listen to me, and I plan on giving him hell for what he’s done to Vic.