California Adventure

Introduction

It's been four months since I've spoken with Ben personally. Of course, I talk to him still, but he doesn't respond audibly. It happened a few weeks before final exams, but I never considered postponing completion of my graduate degree since it was a mutual plan. He would not have wanted me to quit, or go off whimpering in my room for months. Nevertheless, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

After finals, there was a lot of business to sort out regarding the estate. Of course, that is still being sorted, but I tried to make as much headway as possible before beginning my final clinical rotation for the summer semester. In addition, the schedule of classes had changed so that I had to take a course along with the full time internship. However, on the bright side, this would give me time to do some work on the house and whatever else was required in the fall.

Knowing that I would only have two classes left for the fall and NO internships was the only thing that helped me get through the excruciating summer. It wasn't that I was miserable, just that I needed to grieve and figure out a completely new direction for my life. Being challenged mentally is rewarding for me and I find it appealing. On the other hand, any position or obligation which provides such structure makes me feel caged to some extent. Since it was a summer semester, it was intense, but shorter - only 11 weeks. Finding consolation in its brevity, I was able to push through one day at a time.

Toward the end of the semester, it was time to make a plan for facing my loss head on. Additionally, I longed to find new meaning, purpose, direction, inspiration, and adventure. Basically, my world was turned upside down, and I needed to find a creative way to get back into orbit - albeit a completely new and different orbit.

As I contemplated my usual August hike in the Appalachians, it occurred to me that I could go further, to some other mountains. A short time later, I pulled out my bucket list and reviewed it. Next, I went online and booked a flight to California, knowing that I must hike in Yosemite. Deciding how long to stay was the next step. I knew that I needed time. Randomly, I decided on two weeks. Finally, I booked an Airbnb room to get me through my first night in California.

Fortunately, everything in the parks was booked up when I tried to plan ahead for lodging. Not knowing where I would stay from night to night left me open for possibilities and flexible in my journey. Ultimately, I was thankful for this blessing in disguise.

One day after the semester ended, I found myself on a plane to California...grateful that I was basically finished with graduate school (having only two courses left for the fall). The hardest part was over. It had been a long four years since I started the process. First there were prerequisite courses which had to be completed, then applications, acceptance, studying, working, and trying to be a good mother and wife.

Reflecting on all these challenges conjured feelings of relief along with sadness that Ben was not here to celebrate this accomplishment with me. On the other hand, I knew his spirit was with me. For this reason there was no anxiety about taking the trip alone. In fact, it was necessary if I was to effectively work through all that had happened and emerge with my sanity.

Becoming a widow was not the only thing I would be dealing with on my trip out west, but I didn't consider all the other things. This was a trip for Ben - a time for me to figure out how to move on and carry him with me without allowing the loss to destroy me. After 27 years together, and 24 years of marriage, it wasn't hard for me to know what Ben would have wanted for me. I was like his free bird; happily flitting about doing as I pleased, but content not to fly away. This is what had changed. Now, I knew that I must fly...