California Adventure

Entry 4

August 5, 2015

This night, I'm camping at Dorst Creek Campground inside Sequoia National Park. Yosemite was wilderness, but there were many people camping in the tent structures where I ended up having to stay. Therefore, it did not really feel like camping. Another reason it wasn't like camping is because the tents had floors, lights, and a bed. I say all that to establish that tonight is the first night where I am actually camping with no amenities or communal distractions. Tonight, I am alone – deep in the forest of Sequoia National Park. It is peaceful and lovely.

My thoughts are catching up with me...the thoughts from which, perhaps, I have been running. The darkness descended tonight as I stored away all my bear temptations in the metal box at my campsite. It was tricky...and I had to work with it a bit before figuring out how to use it....thus...bear proof.

These tangents have led me to Dorst Creek, past all the camp grounds which are usually booked. I arrived after the ranger was gone so I had to register myself. In the morning, I will check in with the ranger and pay the fee. To get here, I passed the Giant Forest and saw the immense sequoia trees. Tomorrow, I will hike the trails and take some pictures. But, tonight...I will be here...with my thoughts...and the faint smell of neighboring campfires. I felt reality knocking as I sped to LA. The gentle, yet persistent reality, would not give up. It was like that shadow I photographed on the trail...no matter how fast I went, it kept up... and waited for acknowledgment.

Like a mountain lion committed to her prey, the darkness enveloped the forest...and me. I realized that grief's shadow had overpowered me. I expected her to be vicious, but instead, she was kind...as if she didn't want to be the one with this duty. She timidly offered her usual comforts, as if knowing they would not suffice. I refused them, irritated, angry that the night had not come like a villain, raging and ripping at my heart. Why must she be so kind? How can she offer cool air and serenity as if I would accept? I will not! I do not want anything that can be offered me!

On second thought, can you bring back the ONLY ONE who ever REALLY knew me AND really LOVED me? NO, you can't! You CAN'T! YOU CAN'T!!!!! So leave me be! GO AWAY! You MUST. I will close my eyes and pray for sleep to take me hostage...knowing that the sun will come early with his own demands – and you will HAVE to submit. He will defend me and run with me on the trails. I will NOT be alone.