Late Night Thoughts

8/30

I lay awake watching the blinking red light on my phone.

Did it wake me...

Did I even sleep at all...

I check the dim, neon green digital clock in the windowsill corner. 1:54. The numbers repeat in my head.

Why can't I ever sleep. As I turn to get up my head pounds warning me not to get up. I ignore it and walk into the kitchen. I grab a glass and pour me a glass of cold water.

I don't drink it. I never do. Always been like that.

I go back to bed pouring the water into the sink and putting the glass into the drainer.

I walk back into my bedroom and plug in my headphones.

I listen to A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. What an interesting name. Oddly fitting for my current situation.

I'm not physically sick. Unless emotional sickness transfers over. It's been years since I've felt this alone.

For a second the thought of suicide crosses my mind. It's so easy, just pick a way and do it. I'll finally get some rest.

But let's be honest. I'd still probably be awake in the afterlife too worried to change anything.

I've never really understood why people resort to cutting themselves. Why hurt yourself just because other people have?

There's shuffling at my feet. Dogs awake. He's adjusts himself at my feet and lays down. I guess not.

What felt like minutes have been hours. I check the clock again 4:38.

My earphones have fallen a long while ago. The sit in a tangled mess on the bed, next to me.

I can't remember the last time I've been on a date. The last time I've been in a relationship. Yes I do.

One year and 4 months. It was the worst date of my life. I let my friends convince me to go on a blind date.

We went to this shitty little Chinese restaurant miles out of town. He ordered sushi and I ordered orange chicken over white rice.

It's best to stick to the usual in unfamiliar territory.

Afterwards we decided to go to a gay bar. I wonder why we thought that was a good idea. Raw fish, strobe lights, and the smell of Musk in the air.

Out first stop is the bar. We both get a shot of whiskey. I'm surprised we've made it this far.

I'm not even old enough to be in the building yet here I am drinking.

I take another shot. And another. And they keep coming. The next couple events were just sorta...pieces.

I saw him dancing on some older man with grey hair in his beard. Though all the alcohol in my system stops me from being jealous.

Next I was bent over a toilet in pain. Two tall men in almost no clothing rub my back and tell me to let it all out.

Next I was in a taxi. I don't remember ever calling one.

Next I was in a home. Not my home but A home.

Then nothing. I woke up in my bed. Covered in vomit, piss, blood, and other strange liquids.

Come to think of it...

That was the last time I did wake up...

Or at least the last time I remember...

Anyway I should be getting ready for school. Bye