[Mama's travel logs - Flight from Amsterdam to HK 26 May, 2006]
I'm now on the plane back to HK. Can't believe I finally made it to Cannes and now it's over. I guess life is really flying by in front of my eyes.
Is Cannes a symbol in itself?! Is it a symbol that life is finally back to normal now? I don't even know how to describe what it was like for the last 2 years. I guess I did have a close encounter with death. It forces me to realize the life is fragile. Don't even brag about what you want to do or to have 'coz who can tell if we are going to be here tomorrow. It is a very alarming wake up call. I think I'm too young to face it. Also I've always had this fear about death. I just can't keep my calm when facing it. But during these past years I've slowly understood more about what death is, & I also understand I need to continue to live, live to the fullest moment. So I again decided to go to Cannes. For the longest time I was not sure of the idea. What if it is a bad omen? What does it matter to see lots of films when it seems so trivial when you've faced with your own mortality. Is this the life style I want to continue again? Shouldn't there be some changes in my focus?! But I still decided to go; though I dragged on the idea of travelling again. What if I couldn't carry the luggage?! No one is taking care of me on the journey. I haven't traveled with Stevie and Mitchy and I surely am no partying animal. All these...
But now on my plane back to HK, I'm so glad that I've gone. This is who I am. I'm blessed with the friends who can show me the world. It's not just a travelling trip, it's an experience. It lets me see more of life. Cinema, ideology, people's ideas. It's all rosy & unreal to have the privilege to watch films everyday, to indulge myself in a world of celluloid. To understand other people's reality. It is great. Also it gives me the meaning what life is for. To experience... Not just live in boundary & can go outside & see what's out there. Of course all these are trivial to life but it just gives you the adrenaline to continue on the mundane of daily life. So what now, Bonnie? Something I notice more & more is my negativity or pessimism. It is interesting to realize it. I always try to prepare more the worse scenario... My automated response to cover Hayden's behavior, to categorize it as "she doesn't do it" ... "Tofu"... I thought it was nice of me to explain her behavior but really it only leads on to the negativity. Silly me. Why do I try to explain so much. Why can't I just treat everyday as a new day like I was in Cannes, fresh & full of opportunities that makes it like a self-proclaimed prophecy. It requires determination.
So what do I like about Cannes? It's the same as studying in NY 4 years ago. The freshness, everyday is a brand new day. Something new will happen. I'll see something I've never seen before, meet people I've never met before. It's free. Free from all obligations, attachments, familiarity. It's like you're young again. I can do whatever I like, I don't need to consider other people... It's great. I always feel that I'm so different from Mitchy and Stevie & sometimes I feel like we got on each other's nerves but they consistently bring new things in my life, help me explore. I should really thank them for that.
Will I go next year?! Who knows? Maybe I'll travel alone again?! Who knows. So what now? I have decided I'll live one day @ a time & see all these single days, when they all add together, what it will bring me. I will work again. I don't know what yet. CN will be an easy/convenient choice. Do I still want to do TV/production?! I don't know. I want to work on things that I can see the meaning of. Travel? Charity? Children? I don't know. I'm sure there's a way placing for me; waiting for me to explore. Now I just need to prepare myself. One day @ a time.
