How do you describe 2003? A year of joy? A year of sadness? One thing is sure - 2003 will go on the record, people will remember , I'll remember this year; both personal or society as a whole.
Hayden is born. A year ago, I wouldn't imagine myself being a parent and now her I am a mom. Being pregnant during SARS. Experience a time of fear and extreme paranoid. People lost their lives or their loved ones in matter of days. Sadness and helplessness. I'd never experienced such a degree of group fear before. The day when the discovered a MTR worker contracted SARS... the reaction of people at work startled me. The verge of insanity....
Then Spain. My last trip before being a mom. The fresh air.. away from the glominess... the sun, the joy... I felt like I'm in exile. Away from a place thats no longer safe. the glimpse of how it feels to not able to go home..Home, such an intangible term, but when you no longer able to go back.. hanging feeling.
I guess I'm not here to write all about 2003. I'm here to write this moment, this moment in my life. A new mom w/ a 3 months old daughter. Next time when I wirte, it may be the end of next year.
There is one thing I want to write down before this feeling subsides... or it gets so used to that I become numb of it... when you become a parent, you become vulerable. They may not realize it. They may become more "aggressive"...more "proactive". It may take on many forms. But I believe it all comes from the feeling of "vulnerability". How can I put it in better description? How can I choose out the right words to describe this feeling?! Between the scale of sadness and joy, where does being a parent fall on?! I'm overwhelmed w/ emotions. But how can I sort them out?
I sense the fear of death coming back to my life again, the fear that I experience when I was a child; lying awake in the middle of the night, fearing of my parents being dead (that fear was more intense than when dad really passed away - it was grief I felt at time of dad's death) is suddenly surfacing in my life again. I once wondered when I was so far from death (I was only a kid at that time), subsides when I grew up (which in theory I'm walking closer to death) seems to be contradictory and one day it came back. When Hayden is born... 10 days after we celebrate her birth. Intense fear of helplessness.. intense fear of losing people dearest to me. You can call it post-birth depression, hormone trick whatever... any medical terms can't give enough explaination to what I felt.
Vulnerability - I felt life is passing me by w/o me realizing it. It's like a hole in time... a signal that breaks thru all my daily activities (all the noise that disguises the fact that we are approaching death.. closer and closer) and told me that birth... the intense joy has happened in my life. Now this triggers another button... the road to death.
Is this what have been in my mind? When I'm desperate to pull the threads of thoughts in my thousands of emotions.. is this what's in the bottom of it?! When people read this, they may dismiss this easily and say, who wouldn't die?! What a sentimentalist. The factual part of life is surely different from how it feels and it also differs from people. Dont get me wrong. I'm never a philosophical being who only looks for intangible theories and thoughts. I just want to sort out my thoughts and to clear my mind so I can go back to my tangible life. I fear. I've experienced panic attack that can take me captive. I don't want that. Fear of death may be is the fear of unknown.
I need to know. It's very similar to having a baby. All of a sudden, I'm not in control any more. Is this what it is about?! Control?! Thoughts are rushing thru my mind that my writings are not cohesive anymore.
Back track.
Once I become a parent, I feel like I've crossed that line in life. There's no grey area, there's no work in progress. I'm official - I've passed that line in life. Explain?! Criteria?! I don't know. I'm sure not all people fell that way. It's only accountable for me. I've official board another train in life, remember I once wrote _____ Yes I feel like in my life, the different stages, I am always adjusting, correcting, both are not good terms. Different courses in life, I understand and live accordingly. I feel my roads are clearer each steps, I understand more each stages. It's fascinating. Dont get me wrong. I enjoy my life. I consider this my final jorney in life - parenthood. But it's no way near the end. It's just the beginning of a whole new journey. Before Hayden is here, I only know of my role right before delivery. Have asbsolutely no idea where it is going to take me after. The waiting period - pregnancy, the final farewell of my past and the whole new future waiting - unknown. I enjoyed it. I am grateful to it. There wasn't surprises, but a constant peacefulness; the waiting period of a life changing experience. Waiting, something I'm not good at, the patience... I'm glad that I did it. A period of time I will remember as peace. Never thought I can stay in place for more that 1/2 year w/o feeling restless. Then the new begining. It had a rough start. Can I do it?! Why did Hayden keep crying?! Where do we draw the line and say enough is enough, let's jump the ship?! Is this something I will regret forever?! All these emotions, a little new life, coming to the world from absolutely nothing, the fight to become "right" parent, the "best" of babies... Now I remember how I despise the term "best".
Now I lost my chain of thoughts where was I... slowly I regain my control, or my sanity. I slowly realized so being a parent is like you've an attachment, a soft spot, a vulnerable point. YOu can never be that "control" being the strong and tough one, the one who can walk away from it all and say 'screw' the world. I won't be here for long. "You" become vulnerable. You can't be that ruthless any more. Coz you have that attachment. Mankind is no longer a term, it becomes something directly related to your baby's future. Everything becomes so close to home... the War, the evil, the injustice...all these intangible becomes too real... I guess one day all these will settle as well & becomes okay again.
When brought so close to life and death, you see life in another perspective, you begin to realize a lot of things are in disguise. Tangible life, fashion, career, living, ... all in disguise, why are they important?! You know about these in your head but now you start to feel it as well in your heart.
(after a yoga + body session)
I feel myself less attach to consumption. Again I still consume. But I feel a lesser urge of getting the latest goods in store. I still care a lot about my appearance, but a little more relax on a daily basis.
Time accelerates when you have a baby. But I guess only when I let it. Time I start to believe is relative, not definite. I can make it feel long or short. In a hurry or ease. It all depends on my mind.
The city is rushing to its end of year, the scene outside differs a lot outside the window (I'm sitting at cosmo cafe, Central). My mind follows the enviornment wants to hurry as well. I guess it's time for me to join the crowd and go back to my girl.
Goodbye 2003. A year of great joy and sadness. The year when my daughter is born.
All and all, I am the lucky one this year. I'll look back w/ much joy. I believe I evolve into different form in different stages in my life. When time comes, I'll adjust accordingly. About the future I don't have a clue. Now I need to learn to do the best at the moment and not to worry too much about it's future. When believe it's best decision, stick w/ it and not second thought about it. Situations change, things happen, then reassess. But stop wasting time second guessing all the time.
